struggling

[calgary]

every day it seems like problem after problem
i try so hard but i just cant seem to solve them
thinking to myself wondering when it will all end
pretty sure one more time and im fallin

waiting for life to get a little less overwhelming
too much problems and i think my brain is swelling
tommorows a new day so hommie aint no telling
people stare but there to afraid to start helping

take a good look at someone you know
just cause there ok now dont mean they are at home
youve probably had the love that hes never been shown
so hes ridin death defyin all on his own
but he has an empty feelin because hes still all alone
the family never talked to him with love in their tone

hes feeling so weak barely able to speak
he didnt do his chores so hell probably get beat
to the point to where he barely can breathe
so hes tired and he thinks that he'll leave
kissed life goodbye and went down in the creek


some of the rhymes were weak i know but i used simple stuff that way everyone from a broken home can relate to it and how so many problems can overwhelm you to the point where you just wanna quit and give up...but hey things can always look up ive learned that anyways hope u liked it

[Paraciite]

Here's some advice :-

Need more internal rhymes - helps flow of words and sounds...

Use compound rhyming - Such as 'Peril state', 'Telling fate', 'Selling bait', 'Heaven's sake'...I see you've used some, but they're weak...Step it up, abit and you'll be fine.

Use punctuation...So I can tell where pauses are...etcetera...So, I can read it properly...

Avoid repetition of words...But there's nothing wrong with it...It's just that, people can take it over the top...I know one so called 'rapper'...in his song he said 'I live a very very very wild lifestyle'. From there, I didn't rate him...at all.

I appreciate your subject matter...because, it's personal to you...But, if you really want to get the message across...You have to use metaphors. Otherwise, it will be weak. A good rapper, ALWAYS emphasises...Whether, you're dissing...or creating your own song.

I'm no experienced rapper, yet...When it comes to actually spittin'. But I'm strong at writing lyrics...Spittin to myself sounds good, anyways...I'm definitely a Hip Hop head...So, you can ask me anything.

If you're still uncomfortable...Just ask, or try again with some more lyrics...And we'll see any improvement or other areas that need to be improved...

=)