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Thread: seven days of reflection

  1. #1
    Get Touched abiona's Avatar
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    seven days of reflection

    yeah i know... its long... but the lines are short


    part one.

    I.
    i am delighted by
    small mementos
    of your presence.
    a single hair
    on the rim of the sink
    the stain of your boot
    left worn into the carpet
    scratches slowly healing
    on the curve of my back.
    tiny flecks of memory
    you leave behind
    like whispers to remind me...

    II.
    we have f.cked
    seventeen times
    behind fogged car windows
    and locked bathroom doors
    on couches and chairs
    and the floor
    of every room in my house.
    but i have yet to allow you
    the coolness of the pillow
    or the warm embrace of my sheets
    when morning sun filters through closed blinds.

    III.
    the shower
    has become our accomplice.
    scalding water
    scraping
    scent from under skin
    flesh from under nails
    our indiscretions
    swirling with soap
    and disappearing down the drain.

    IV.
    sins of the flesh
    become real
    when told by the pen
    and i swore
    (in the way those who lie to themselves
    often do)
    that i would never write for you;

    V.
    but
    at 46 minutes past twelve
    you were backlit by sunshine
    streaming through the open door
    a dark form
    glowing
    as you approached
    an angel
    coming forth from light
    i fell into you and
    we spilled over
    flowing,
    like dammed water
    finally unleashed.
    your tongue, my neck
    my fingers, your back.
    lips and limbs
    tangled in silence
    our hunger
    restrained only by the brevity
    of stolen moments.

    VI.
    understand,
    i can never belong to you
    and you
    are shackled to a broken fence
    so we love in
    half-notes and half-steps
    an unfinished melody
    and yet
    i can't help but wonder
    what part of you is left when i am through
    because his face only slightly resembles yours
    and i feel empty
    without you near.

    VII.
    my darling, i can't pretend that this will last
    or even that i want it to.
    we have become lies
    wrapped in flames and
    the smoke
    is fogging up your rose colored glasses.
    please,
    ask no more of me.
    there is no us to have faith in
    and i have already given you too much.
    Last edited by abiona; September 18th, 2008 at 08:07 PM

  2. #2
    Get Touched abiona's Avatar
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  3. #3
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    Re: seven days of reflection

    First off that opening staza was written beautifully, the imagery was so realistic and spot on....I thought you did a great job keeping the consistacy in this piece...you had some great spots of imagery throughout the read..and I thought the 1st and 3rd parts were just great...you kept your vocab @ a realistic tone...and the emotion poured through the imagery...

    the shower
    has become our accomplice.
    scalding wather
    scraping
    scent from under skin
    skin from under nails
    our indiscretions
    swirling with soap
    and disappearing down the drain.
    I really liked that part...but overall this was a great read...It may deserve a NOM..so I'll read it once more and decided if I want to NOM this..but good shit..I enjoyed the read.

  4. #4
    Its Fun To Do Bad Things Lammy's Avatar
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    Re: seven days of reflection

    she started ya'll off with the hard core shit ... them nah know Abs ..

  5. #5
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    Re: seven days of reflection

    I liked this. It was very well-written, descriptive piece. I liked where you chose to break off you sentences, it put the needed emphasis on certain lines. Also, your metaphors were clever and was cohesive with the poem. However, the dammed water similie was worded rather poorly (which is a minor gripe.) You should go back and revise that. Also, the other gripe I have with this, is in the third stanza, the repition of skin. Repition is a great device to use in poetry, but the way it was worded, it's just a mistake. Great piece, i'd like to read more from you in the future.

  6. #6
    Laughing at you Know-It-All's Avatar
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    Re: seven days of reflection

    I.
    i am delighted by
    small mementos
    of your presence.
    a single hair
    on the rim of the sink
    the stain of your boot
    left worn into the carpet
    scratches slowly healing
    on the curve of my back.
    tiny flecks of memory
    you leave behind
    like whispers to remind me...
    like Ntalek said, this opening stanza was very delightfully written, and I loved the imagery with in this section. I love how you choose your words in this stanza.

    II.
    we have f.cked
    seventeen times
    behind fogged car windows
    and locked bathroom doors
    on couches and chairs
    and the floor
    of every room in my house.
    but i have yet to allow you
    the coolness of the pillow
    or the warm embrace of my sheets
    when morning sun filters through closed blinds.
    This stanza right here has a lot of emotion, and I loved the imagery and the feeling with in this section. I love how it feels like a early 20 something's diary entry. In this section it sounds like you have some major trust issues.

    III.
    the shower
    has become our accomplice.
    scalding water
    scraping
    scent from under skin
    skin from under nails
    our indiscretions
    swirling with soap
    and disappearing down the drain.
    Yeah, For some reason when i read this It felt like a new age version of the scarlet letter. This is something a new age version of Hester Prynne would do or write.

    IV.
    sins of the flesh
    become real
    when told by the pen
    and i swore
    (in the way those who lie to themselves
    often do)
    that i would never write for you;
    This feels sort of angry, or heartbroken. I love how you display your emotions in this piece.


    V.
    but
    at 46 minutes past twelve
    you were backlit by sunshine
    streaming through the open door
    a dark form
    glowing
    as you approached
    an angel
    coming forth from light
    i fell into you and
    we broke
    open, like dammed water
    finally unleased.
    your tongue, my neck
    my fingers, your back.
    lips and limbs
    tangled in silence
    our hunger
    restrained only by the brevity
    of stolen moments.
    The imagery in this stanza got me, and so did the metaphors with in the first few lines. I loved how the emotion changed from you want him gone, yet you are addicted to him.

    VI.
    understand,
    i can never belong to you
    and you
    are shackled to a broken fence
    so we love in
    half-notes and half-steps
    an unfinished melody
    and yet
    i can't help but wonder
    what part of you is left when i am through
    because his face only slightly resembles yours
    and i feel empty
    without you near.

    This is one of my favorite stanzas, the emotion and the shame displayed with in this stanza was great. You seemed shamed to let him be seen with you.

    VII.
    my darling, i can't pretend that this will last
    or even that i want it to.
    we have become lies
    wrapped in flames and
    the smoke
    is fogging up your rose colored glasses.
    please,
    ask no more of me.
    there is no us to have faith in
    and i have already given you too much.
    your imagery is great here, and I loved the emotion conveyed here this was a great way to end this poem.


    Overall, I loved the structure, the metaphors and the imagery displayed with in this poem. Your emotion was displayed and I can feel it. I also loved how it read kind of like a diary or a letter. Good work abi.

    http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...ht-378024.html

    go here please

  7. #7
    God Fist Spoken Deity's Avatar
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    Re: seven days of reflection

    fucking nomed...
    Im sitting in my school library with a gloss in my eyes because of what I just read. How realistic and descrptive it is just moved me. It hit my SO hard.
    You imagery was so intelligent, great word choice; not ment to impress, very organic. Everything was really good in this. everything just worked... Beautiful sir

  8. #8
    Get Touched abiona's Avatar
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    Re: seven days of reflection

    martyr... i changed up what you mentioned... better?

    Quote Originally Posted by Spoken Deity View Post
    everything just worked... Beautiful sir
    thank ya kindly... but i'm a lady

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