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Thread: My Mutiny Scrutiny

  1. #1
    Conquering Lion Prince Escobar's Avatar
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    My Mutiny Scrutiny

    Esco 3000
    My Mutiny Scrutiny


    i need to be tutored to your silent mutiny
    you see, your mute rebellion is disheveling
    the powers that be
    though far from loud...and i see too that you
    need new ears for your uprising to fall silent upon
    i tried sign language, read your mind with my palm
    your deaf threats will not go unnoticed
    i once thought your exhalation exclamations were unheard of
    as you rest your eyes, i'm sure your incessant glares don't impress the sky
    yet i still chase ways to get down with your silent uprising
    trying to balance my time without dissapointing the cause
    the tipping point is gripping my heart
    as i await the chips' descent
    in attempt to have my voice heard under this lip zipped dissent
    but the silence is drowning me
    drinking your noiseless voice
    the passion of your mass...it bounces off the walls
    every account drumming in my ears, as i plummet for fear of discovery
    i let out an offering to this silent communion
    communicating in ways unimagined
    my pride becoming unfastened
    trapped in the crossfire
    of this silent action...

    You're breaking the mold, daring difference
    Our relationship began sweet but soured up until the bitter end
    i've written ten fold about this mute madness
    sending telepathic love taps
    cutting the tension without uttering a sentence
    trapped in an invisible box, unable to speak with this elephant in the room
    i think i've gone nuts...
    now my metaphor is eating at me, every near-word misleading my train of thought
    i wonder when you'll break your oath of silence
    thus far it's been handled with care
    there were times when you fought for the cause, and that's rare
    and now we stare, eyes embraced
    my mind is racing and it's taking it's toll, listen!
    now you've gone and claimed poll position
    you control the arena, without even a sigh in the wind
    you begin crying then...a victorious gladiator
    lost upon exiting the lions den
    you've claimed your prize, a sentence or two
    maybe more, i wait dejected for what you have in store
    and yet you serve to suprise
    silent uprising has won your gun, our weapon of choice being words
    and yet for me you have none.
    funny how the first cut is the deepest
    and now i'm up in arms
    at war with myself
    for forever holding my peace.


    1luv.
    Last edited by Prince Escobar; March 5th, 2007 at 01:02 PM
    Laying face down in the mainstream.
    Po.Ethics.

  2. #2
    Conquering Lion Prince Escobar's Avatar
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    Re: My Mutiny Scrutiny

    Hmm, elevation is key.
    Laying face down in the mainstream.
    Po.Ethics.

  3. #3
    Twin Cities 651 Laureate's Avatar
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    Re: My Mutiny Scrutiny

    Aight Fresh...

    Thisz was very good, really liked the rhyming, although some rhymes seemed out of place and overly simplisticlike the line

    "as you rest your eyes, i'm sure your incessant glares don't impress the sky"

    Tha line seemed a bit off...but some lines I thought were beautifully done like

    "as i await the chips' descent
    in attempt to have my voice heard under this lip zipped dissent"

    Really liked that man, your metaphors were dope for the most part, although some bordered on being almost too cliche i.e. Train of thought, first cut is the deepest....but you incorporated them flawlessly...very nice job mman, I'm glad to see you more active around the site, now if you could jus show in IE

    Much respect man

    please peep http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=328370
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  4. #4
    Conquering Lion Prince Escobar's Avatar
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    Re: My Mutiny Scrutiny

    Appreciate the feed homie, glad you peeped it. I'll be sure to get to your joint.

    More replies perhaps?

    Elevation is key.
    Laying face down in the mainstream.
    Po.Ethics.

  5. #5
    Whatever, Fuck You HighEngineChief's Avatar
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    Re: My Mutiny Scrutiny

    I liked this shit alot, u a good fucking writer my nig not like on some rapbattles shit but on some published in a magazine shit. Only thing I would say would be to work on you structure, dress the work up a little, presentation is a big part of anything. Loved your writing though and your language is poppin'. Gotta give it up ta you. Lovin' it.

    Hit me back on my shit, ul find it

    one

  6. #6
    Conquering Lion Prince Escobar's Avatar
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    Re: My Mutiny Scrutiny

    Thanks so much for the love man, for real.

    I don't get why no one peeps my shit, however elevation remains key.
    Laying face down in the mainstream.
    Po.Ethics.

  7. #7

    Re: My Mutiny Scrutiny

    Quote Originally Posted by Esco 3000 View Post
    Thanks so much for the love man, for real.

    I don't get why no one peeps my shit, however elevation remains key.
    ^ me either

    This was beautifully written.. the piece flowed very nicely and it was definately one of those that you have to keep reading till the end.

    need new ears for your uprising to fall silent upon
    i tried sign language, read your mind with my palm

    ^ When this popped up at the beggining I knew this was goin' to be a nice piece.

    Overall you had a great choice of words and put them together to make a great read.

  8. #8
    Conquering Lion Prince Escobar's Avatar
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    Re: My Mutiny Scrutiny

    Thanks a lot for the response man, i appreciate that you enjoyed it.

    Elevation is key.
    Laying face down in the mainstream.
    Po.Ethics.

  9. #9
    you never ready Fiasco's Avatar
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    Re: My Mutiny Scrutiny

    This piece was really well written man!

    I really liked your style/approach and how you toyed with a whole lot of different phrases and described the relationship. From what i gathered you were talking about a guy and his girl, having that "elephant in the room" feeling about the relationship not working. Both parties aware and neither of them speaking on it, which was dope and you brought the concept to life really well. My one gripe would be that it's a bit wordy for you though, i know from your older writing that you can be a bit more polished in terms of making the reader relate to your pieces in less attention drawing ways then overemphasizing. That aside though this was a dope piece, glad to see you're still yourself man.

    -Fiasco
    Po'Ethics.

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