Keep it Inside

[silentAwedience]

New here
figured I'd drop some of my topical shit for y'all to check out

I'm currently recording an album with some friends, mostly underground positive tip shit. you know how it is. Topicals have always been my shit anyway. I'll be sure to drop some audio shit here when I get it done.

anyway, this one's called Keep it Inside

come in my friend, please sit down
ive got so much to tell you about
and i know our minds both run at a million a minute
but lets kick it down a gear and talk while we're in it
when my minds up to speed, sentences confuse the senses
and coherency can sometimes lower my defenses
but im gonna try to tell you bout how i hop these fences
and im gonna try to show you that i cant shake these false pretenses
i wish that i could tell you that the distance aint an issue
but you caught me when i was different, dunno what i got me into
and ive been through this before, never thought thered be another
but youre different than the others, youre a slow and steady lover
i think that you should know though, you switched up my perspective
and those millisecond glances were incredibly reflective
and my skies they turn to violet when i hear your voice so quiet
but ima keep it all inside so they cant recognize
my weakness: love

youve got to keep it all inside
youve got to keep it all inside
though we still need a place to hide
youve got to keep it all inside

Come here my friend, it's been awhile
since you and I talked and laughed and smiled
i think love is nothing but my consciousness defiled
if it's an imperfect science then I'll be another trial
with you i could find happiness
but without you I'll be an unhappy mess
walkin to the party in your best dress
you should know you don't have to do much to impress
'cause you stood by my side int he fog on that rooftop
somehow I managed to pick up the pieces you dropped
and when you kissed me slow, don't you know that time stopped
and if this was a war, well somehow right there the sides swapped
but if this song reminds you of me, turn the dial
keep it goin' until you find somebody else who makes you smile
let's forget about the consequences and catch up on desire
words collide with one another so be silent for awhile

[silentAwedience]

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...on-387347.html
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...er-387366.html

[silentAwedience]

Up?

[Tactixx]

Pretty deep man....didnt mind this piece at all....flow really stuck out on this piece...this could easily be done in audio format...as far as topical writing goes...you seem to have all the basics covered...flow, structure, content...If I had to give advice...I would say try illustrating your sentences a little more......A little more imagery...I woulda made the chorus a little stronger as well....seems a little plain....other than that.....keep writing...Ill peep your audio too...drop a link....peace...

[silentAwedience]

thanks bro, i really appreciate it.

well, the chorus is gonna be sung by me and one of my friends, so I'm sure it sounds a little dry written. As for the other tip, thanks, that's something I've definitely been focusing on recently. Still got a ways to go on that apparently though, lol.

EDIT- oh, and if you wanna see some audio, peep the first myspace in my sig, as of right now, it just has a few beats right now, but I'll get some actual songs up soon.

[IconIQ]

hey, something different! nice.

i'll just say off the top, it was a technically simple piece in terms of rhymescheme, multi usage, metas etc - but thats cool, that can be improved in time. i would advise definately working on these though, because if you could incorporate some good devices, shit would be real nice coupled with your content. also, you may wanna pay more attention to ya flow in places, its a bit jumpy. but...

what i really liked was the piece's content and theme. its really refreshing to see something like this dropped. i would definately like to hear audio when you get some recorded, you'll have to up links when you get it done.

if you want to rtf;
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...er-387468.html

pz 1