Hypodermic Journey

[Alex DeLarge]

Hypodermic Journey

Pale moon haunts crimson branched eyes, release’s wandering.
Dream state; intellect sores, determined from increased pondering.
Addicted to uplifted thoughts; trains of misery leaves station.
Thoughts, desires leave as one; imagining the thief’s creation.
Darkened circles, gates of hell, rest below my cloudy vision.
Hollow needle pierced my hollow self with vowed precision.
.
.
-
My mind sleeps.
-
.
.
I moan; pleasure, pain, regret. They activate, I am sedated.
Fantasy becomes realest, packed with weight. It slowly fades in.
Themes scrape against my skull, I understand meanings of life.
Images construct themselves, as my heart, seeming so ripe.
I feel as God, atop the clouds. I feel as Satan, in his realm.
I feel as if I had escaped a world straightening for hell.
Goals of meeting my seduction contrast darkness of truth.
Yet I feel the old, it chases me, embarking ‘pon my route;
grasps and holds as I struggle; as demise is face-to-face.
It’s all coming to an ending, like my place in time’s erased.
Structures collapse while my wisdom blackens to a simple dust.
Walking horrid paths; wind soars, as if heaven’s symbol gusts.
Pleasure, it escapes the pores within my fragile, frowning face
Pain, it remains in my heart, as it runs a pounding pace.
Regret, left within my soul, but blinded by temptation.
All murdered; my destinies, beyond compensation.

-
My mind wakens.

[Alex DeLarge]

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...od-277962.html

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...ed-346656.html

[LedgenZ]

Well, I see that your 1st piece was not just beginners luck. You seem to have a real knack for this writing thing, especially in the imagery department. Your very vivid in your descriptions. This piece (like the last) was quite morbid to say the least. Your work seems to be devoid of happiness and benevolence, not that it matters, just a reader's observation. This piece in particular was very well written. The originality was there, the flow was there, the scheme was there and the wording was on point. However, you lack other devices such as metaphorical impact, there wasn't a lot of clever wordplay and or similes that really drew me in and made me take notice to what you were saying. For the most part it was all pretty direct; which would be cool if you were telling a regular-everyday-story, but due to the poetic nature and or set up of this piece I was expecting to see a bit more depth in the metaphor department....feel me? Anyway, this was still a good read, I just have my preferences I suppose.



Favorite lines:

Addicted to uplifted thoughts; trains of misery leaves station.
Thoughts, desires leave as one; imagining the thief’s creation.
Darkened circles, gates of hell, rest below my cloudy vision.
Hollow needle pierced my hollow self with vowed precision.

^Nice flow, nice imagery, and just an overall well worded concept. Dopeness my man!




Also:

I moan; pleasure, pain, regret. They activate, I am sedated.
Fantasy becomes realest, packed with weight. It slowly fades in.
Themes scrape against my skull, I understand meanings of life.
Images construct themselves, as my heart, seeming so ripe.
I feel as God, atop the clouds. I feel as Satan, in his realm.
I feel as if I had escaped a world straightening for hell

^Dopest excerpt of the entire drop. Tons of great imagery and description and the wordplay was there to add a little bang to the BOOM!!!




Keep dropping son, you got talent!





pZ

[Alex DeLarge]

Word. I would've liked to add more metaphors in it, but..it's based on personal experience with drug abuse, so I really struggled with side-stepping from my straight up feelings. I felt I could've done a lot more with it.

Thanks for the feed, man! On both my drops. If I can ever give you some feed. Hit me UP!

[Atti]

mm, interested.. i'll be watching.

[Alex DeLarge]

Props .

Bump.

[Johnny 6-feet]

I dug the topic and you tackled it with precision. Although, i'm gonna say your choice of vocab for the piece made it a little hard to get to grips with sometimes, sometimes by writing too high-brow you can come off as being pretentious. But you brought a dope rhyme scheme for 95% of the piece, kept the thing moving and held my attention til the end. The length was just right and the imagery was strong. You've got the making of a topical writer.

Keep posting.