Death..

[mechi]

death chases after me
for my life has been a complete catastrophy
ive committed sins in my life
and now karma has caught up..now i must die
i give my mother a last kiss goodbye
and i journey with death to my end
i dont know were im going..but i have to go to the pearl gates
and with that awates my fate
so as im travelin the red road with death..i see all lost souls
workin their way into heaven..and most of them are old
but they cant die untill work is done
and i turn to as death..
.........why has life itself become the crucial one
his response is in a deep voice
"life is hell for those who make that chioce"
so what is the choice i ask him
and i see him take back his hood..his eyes are so dim
he looks at me and says "listen kid..ive been alive for years
centurys at that..you and i both know you know that choice..listen to your ears"
listen to my ears?? so i keep quiet as if i go into a meditation state
and what seems hours later i awake
in some sort of dream..i wonder were i am
i think im in heaven or hell..i dont know..damn
im flying but i have black wings and a white wardrobe
dont know who i am or to beleive what im told
and i realize im in a coma..cuz i can see myself in the hospitle
i see my mom on a bench cryin..and a doc sayin "hes going to be okay"
but little do they know im dead already like imation
or am i having a revalation?
what am i going through?..noone knows..and i lose track of the grim reaper
damn im lost now..but im still going through my life..as a flashback
i see every thing i did wrong , and i dont know how to act
next thing i know..im seein death in his face again
"now you see son?..your ultimate sin"
killing an older women..wait i saw her..shes a lost soul
and then all of a sudden my body turns cold..
so i was just seeing things right grim? dont lie
"yes child you were..now look into my eyes"
its time to go meet your father at the pearly white gates
and lets see what awates..
it feels like years later untill we get there
grim says "we are here" here? were?
"In hell little one"..why didnt i talk to God or Jesus
"they didnt believe you were ready"..ready for what?
"to go into heaven..so they sent you here"
and then when i look around death has dissapeared
and i see a rip in the sky
so i open my eyes up to rise
and im back alive once again..but wait i was never dead
and i hear "hey doctor i can see the head"
so i think.."am i being re-born again?"
i hear a thunderous voice "Yes you are..dont commit any sins"
.........................................The End

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...ry-335731.html

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...ps-335633.html

Ps..yea i know its kinda short but im rusty and tryin to get my skills back up

[mechi]

up for feedback..leave linkage and ill get back at it

[mechi]

ok i see feedback is obviously out of the fucking question
.................................................. ...........................

[Messiah.]

Decent piece, i quite enjoyed it. Your imagery was pretty good and your emotion was nice also...line length was pretty wild but and rhymescheme could have been a little better...The storyline here was nice and descriptions was ok, your precision should have been better but overall it wasnt a bad piece well done man.

-Thomas

[mechi]

word thanks man...at least somebody could hit up my piece..

but yea im rusty at this..so im just tryin to get my skills back up

[Santario]

^ yea same wat he said u had good emotion in dis and it was a good peice

[Spoken]

decent nothing WOW and AWW much but nice read...i could see this going both ways. you have potential man you do but expand yourown word choice and vocab use....it seems pretty bland and plain and really just boring nothing interesting happening to show off such wording ya know.. your flow was on and off but i see your a bit rusty on things.... so no complaint....just get more aggressive with your story and word choice and let the flow come to you dont need to force somethings....iight but nice read man i enjoyed belive that!

[Spoken]

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...nd-335196.html
^^
hit that link!

[Burd Man.]

dope imagery throughout this, emotion was nice man, but yeah your imagery was exremely vivid at times man, your wording was nice, i enjoyed the irregular structure too, testing the boundaries almost, nice piece man.

[mechi]

word thanks man..

link has been hit..

uppin for some more feed back
leave linkage and ill get back at it

[Loyal-T]

I thought it was pretty good..shouldn't have been slept on at first..
As they said, good imagery, you can picture it actually happening as you read through it. Really liked the ending, and the concept of getting to start over.

Link's in sig if you can, thanks

[mechi]

word ill get at that..

thankz for the feed..

uppin for some more..
leave linkage and ill hit it up
no matter what it is..