Broken Hearted (True Story)

[Leonidas]

Coming up from ashes, rising higher than the clouds of dust
Money controlling the universe, tis isn’t it “In God We Trust”?
The December day brings with it, cold and powder white snow as purest as truth
A Birthday approaches as the father contemplates the surprise for his youth
.
.
.
Growing up with loads of money, so as to never knowing a days worth
Millions upon millions of dollars to lead on, all way before birth
The son was turning 18, but what to get? Everything he already had
But knowing only of money or jewels & not to the extent t of his dad
He wished for a new car, a red convertible corvette to be precise and exact
But why when he had 2 already, Guess it’s just respect and advice that lacked
The father told him not for this birthday, he had another special gift
The son turned and sped off down the hall, lingering feelings seemed to drift
Day of the party finally arrived, hundreds of people and a gleeful son
But the prelude to the activity is nothing, to what the story is to become
Presents are giving, as the son looks forward to the father’s surprise
But what exchanges hands brings rather hatefulness to the sons eyes
The father extended his hand, but car keys? The son was not yet liable
Instead the father just gleamed open handed with a lovely forlorn Bible
The son found distaste, threw the Bible on the ground and stormed off
Father’s heart was crushed as he chokes up, and briefly coughs
The son, now 18, went to vent some anger and remain with a friend
Several months away, with only short visits, not near enough to mend
Until One Day… The phone rang, and all of a sudden the son felt sick
The mother said “Your fathers in the hospital, can’t explain just come quick”
The son rushed to the hospital to find his own father lying in a bed
Apparently he was in a car crash; tubes protruding covered the blanket spread
As he broke down and cried the son let out words, for not a wrong line
He said “Dad, I Love You” for these the father had not heard in a long time
The father passed away about an hour after those words, no one spoke
He would give anything for his father back, even to be broke
As the son visited his father’s old study room, in the same house as the fight
He looked thru old papers, opened drawers and beheld still with fright
Gazing down, he peered at the Bible his father presented that day
Before opening to the first page he broke down and gave Lord a pray
As he opened the cover is saw a piece of paper fall to the ground
He picked it up gently and read it silently without making a sound

“Happy Birthday Son, I hope you love this present. Not only is this a Bible, but here are the keys to your brand new convertible corvette. I couldn’t bring it home to you due to the snow, but it’s waiting at the dealership for you. I’ll always love you, and I hope you love your present.

-Love Dad”

The son was pouring out tears; he had been so selfish that he couldn’t believe
His father dead, his dream present and life in shambles, all on Christmas Eve
He drove down to the dealership, picked up his car and pressed the gas
Flying thru the snow full of guilt, the whole while knowing it was too fast
Skidded out of control and careened into an embankment to meet his dad
He had nothing to live for and thought to re-unite would only be glad
Now standing from above and looking down, both said and done
So never take for granted the love you share, between a father and son



http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...an-346740.html
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...in-346756.html

[Ace of Aces]

I read this story before in like a Myspace blog thing. exact same story except you added rhyme to it. wasn't bad at all though, the lines were a bit too dragged out for me but it fit nicely overall so nice job on that. imagery was there and besides it being so predictable since i heard it before. i liked what you've done to it. great job.

peACE

ps. hit up my piece if you see it, thanks.

[Soule]

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=346755

DOPE SHIT MAN. Though I loved the Once Upon A Dream piece ALOT better. That was a classic piece. This had many great values. The Imagery was dope. The wording was cool. The Flow was fluent with a nice rhyme scheme. The Story was deep and emotional. Speaking of emotion, it was deep, heart throbbing. The Piece was realistic, original and creative. Nominated. we need to collab some time soon.

[Leonidas]

Ace- Damn, you read it on a myspace thing? Damn..I aint never seen it up there,lol...My teacher was telling us about it last year and I just thought to make it into a rhyming story type. But yea, I understand my lines were a little longer than they should've been


Ghost- Thanks..And yea, I liked my Once Upon a Dream piece better as well. This piece was ok to me, but I wasnt that into it when I wrote it and felt I could've done better..But I also havent wrote anything for about 2 months..So had to come back with a O.M.,lol..But yea. Thanks for the feed and we'll collab whenever.

[Leonidas]

up.

[Paramik]

first of all I noticed yours was pretty streched and I felt a lot of lines could've been toned down without destroying your spectacular flow. ok you had a great concept and portrayed it well. you were straightforward and put some orignality and uniqueness to your peice. the flow came strogn and the rhyme scheme was not bad at all. the imagery was a ok point but i felt in the middle of your verse were it starts from the son now 18 it kinda wavered a bit. The emotino was a real good deal though. you had some strong emotional points in your verse.

now rtf on my OM.

[Leonidas]

^Link me to the O.M. you want me to feed on.

[LedgenZ]

Man, I'm so indecisive about this piece.


I mean it was good no doubt, but in my opinion it could have been soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo much better. I mean some of your lines were stretched, the flow was great in some areas, almost spectacular in others, but the rest was just choppy and somewhat elementary. The vocabulary was a bit simple, but it given the content was it was a perfect fit to the overall story at hand. your imagery, however, was top notch, so too was your timing and or sequence of events. As a reader you really drew me in and captivated my interest. I was so thoroughly entertaining throughout the entirety of the drop that those flaws listed above became almost irrelevant - that is until I reached the ending. Not that it was a bad ending, just that it was soooooooooo fucking predictable and cliche, I mean why the fuck did he have to kill himself? Did you think that made it more emotional or heart retching? Seriously, he could have just sat there in the study room and cried himself to death and it would have been just as powerful, him killing himself at the end just made it cheesy and redundant, because that's how it ALWAYS ends. It gets kind of annoying. Anyway, based on your comments to Ace I'm assuming this was a premise adopted from some sort of book or short story and you just deiced to re-create it in lyrical form. In that event I suppose the ending was and essential part, in hopes to stay authentic to the original content. All in all though, this shit was nice Bank.




Favorite Par:

As the son visited his father’s old study room, in the same house as the fight
He looked thru old papers, opened drawers and beheld still with fright
Gazing down, he peered at the Bible his father presented that day
Before opening to the first page he broke down and gave Lord a pray
As he opened the cover is saw a piece of paper fall to the ground
He picked it up gently and read it silently without making a sound

^In my opinion this was probably the best worded section of the entire drop, but it also was the build up for the emotion aspect of the verse, so if was a very critical sequence of lines. And I just enjoyed reading through them.


Like I said all in all, this was nice. Very vivid and very though provoking, not intellectually, but mores so humanely, self-evaluation I suppose. Dope message, dope content, nice verse.



P.S. - RTF (Just Words) thanks.
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...ed-344555.html









pZ

[Kaotic Theory]

meh the concept kis washed up, been used soooo many time's in so many way's so it was boring to me, although the imagery was good, aswell was ur emotion, and u had okay vocabulary in this, but it was just boring cus i read shit like this all the time meh not your fault iguess good read.

[Leonidas]

Legendz- Thanks...I know it was a little choppy because I was really tired and hadn't wrote anything in about 2 months..Just writing again and getting some rust off..But thanks for the feed and I'll hit up your link in a minute.

Kao- Where did you see this piece before? I never heard anyone say anything about it or read anything like the story...But yea, it's kind of hard coming up with new topics that no ones every covered on here now since there's so many O.M's around,lol.


...If anyone wants to collab though, pm me and we can do something. Always trying to elevate and write some more.

[Brandon Cee]

West, you really stretched the fuck out of those lines man, honestly. Although, I must say, the storyline was nice and I have personalyl never read it on myspace or nothing, so it's straight for me. Your word choice was a bit blah in some areas, but overall it was nicely put together lyrically. I think the emotion was the strongpoint and the "glue" that kept this piece alive in my mind. I was not really into the character, but because of the emotion, I felt for the character and that's good to do. Good job, although, I was also a fan of the "Once Upon A Dream" piece, but this was a good piece still. Keep it up bro. Peace.

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...it-347029.html
hit this up West ^