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Thread: Breath of Innocence

  1. #1
    Soule
    Guest

    Breath of Innocence

    I used to lie on the grass and watch the clouds move,
    and I held my teddy bear so tight when I heard lightning.
    I could pick a rose and smell its beauty,
    and looking a stranger in the eye wasn't so frightening.
    I could question my life with reassurance and common sense,
    and I could cry and scream for attention.
    I could laugh a true laugh for all it was worth,
    and the smell of my pillow equaled perfection.
    I thought girls were the absolute root of all evil,
    and danger would always be lurking in their hearts.
    I didn't know hw to put my pants on without ripping my boxers,
    and mastered jealousy like it was an art.
    But now those memories grow rusty,
    and are replaced with the musky smell of insense.
    I breathe in the fumes and close my eyes,
    and say goodbye to my innocence.

  2. #2
    Soule
    Guest

  3. #3
    Soule
    Guest

  4. #4
    Banned
    Join Date
    Aug 2005
    Age
    32
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    1,411
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    12-5

    Re: Breath of Innocence

    Well I came to feed this because you have been leaving alot of feed on my poems and stuff... but WOW!! the imagery in this one was actually fucking amazing dude... seriously..!! Your word choice/placement was dope also.. really fucking dope, just overall a dope piece... sorry for such short feed but a short verse you should expect that. I would actually nominate this if you wouldn't have nominated my PS lol... I still might anyway who knows.

  5. #5
    Soule
    Guest

    Re: Breath of Innocence

    thanks an up.

  6. #6
    Still in the grave Johnny 6-feet's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2002
    Location
    England, Liverpool
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    8-1

    Re: Breath of Innocence

    Short, simple and emotional. Good work for such a short piece man. You enlongated rhyme scheme made me focus more on the sentiment of the piece rather than the overall flow, which worked well. The topic was a classic and well illustraited with strong imagery. Good work.

    Keep posting.


    rtf please: http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...oy-346993.html
    Last edited by Johnny 6-feet; August 29th, 2007 at 04:58 PM

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  7. #7
    Banned
    Join Date
    May 2007
    Posts
    333
    Battle Record
    2-1

    Re: Breath of Innocence

    this was nice, i liked the rhymesheme and vocabulary you put in this
    piece, and the emotion was dope..so was the imagery in this one, like it really wasnt descriptive but didnt have to be..nahmeans?..
    overall i just liked it..plain and simple..
    so keep writing and droppin.

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