redemption...

[Roll1]

Got dis last, drop-ta-bless- ya'll should stop-tha-press-/
I've beaten records by those that were often-set-/
From thought-2-text- I make it seem-ill-/
Like ovasees kids ads on tv they go on free-will-/
In tha day, this was a dream, no more-than-a-group-/
Internet boardz waz small but we waz sure-gettin'-thru-/
From ya boy Joey Budden 2 Jin they made-it-a-thing-/
106 n' Park then Ruff Ryderz they gave-em-tha-bling-/
Bluntz 2 the head and I can see alla-you-foolz-/
My wallet-iz-loose- too bad i cant afford the audio-toolz-/
A mic-n'-a-mixer- then on 2 lightin'-a-swisher-/
We got all night 2 do this, I dont like-intermissonz-/
Eatin' up all ya got iz why my tummy-iz-swole-/
Ya know my dollaz whistle cuz i got money-ta-blow/
Crawl 2 ya home becuz we know ya stupid-n'-slow-/
Cuz ya ass more clueless than a nudist-wit-clothez-/

link 1
link 2

[Roll1]

upz

[143]

I gotta give you the newbie talk. You don't have to put the "/" after each line. Now witht that out of the way...

Got dis last, drop-ta-bless- ya'll should stop-tha-press-/
I've beaten records by those that were often-set-/
open was ok, you don't have to put dashes to show the rhyme. Could have been clearer to give an idea of what you about to say

From thought-2-text- I make it seem-ill-/
Like ovasees kids ads on tv they go on free-will-/
In tha day, this was a dream, no more-than-a-group-/
Internet boardz waz small but we waz sure-gettin'-thru-/
completely lost, these 4 bars refer to nothing. this should have been about what you are writing about.

From ya boy Joey Budden 2 Jin they made-it-a-thing-/
106 n' Park then Ruff Ryderz they gave-em-tha-bling-/
Bluntz 2 the head and I can see alla-you-foolz-/
My wallet-iz-loose- too bad i cant afford the audio-toolz-/
i see some direction. Need some wordplay, you could've scrapped the third bar

A mic-n'-a-mixer- then on 2 lightin'-a-swisher-/
We got all night 2 do this, I dont like-intermissonz-/
Eatin' up all ya got iz why my tummy-iz-swole-/
Ya know my dollaz whistle cuz i got money-ta-blow/
Lost

Crawl 2 ya home becuz we know ya stupid-n'-slow-/
Cuz ya ass more clueless than a nudist-wit-clothez-/
Good try at a similie but it was still unclear

Overall this being your fifth post i can cut you some slack. Check out some of the HOF pieces to get the structure down. Maybe this was a freestyle which would explain the fact that this was all over the place. Find a topic and bust out the topic deeply. You don't have to write in slang it makes the drop seem like no one wants to read it. Try that out and you will be cool on here. Stay writing.

[Rebell]

Yeah, at some places I felt lost, didn't understand what were you talking about. You should keep it all related to the topic of your lyrics, unless it might become hardly understandable. Keep it up