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143 VS ILLUNATIC
SEE RULES HERE: http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthre...=1#post8842955
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@143 @ILLunatic
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Robert
A brother in blue, father of two; among an honoring few
The most respected level headed out of a collaring crew
Devoted to cleaning streets, promoting peace & inspiring youth
Far from quick to judge because all he wishes is to acquire truth
Encourages everyone he ever meets to be whatever they desire to
He's someone who listens from every position; one people admire too
Roger
A fein, down on his luck; living out of a truck that's in his brothers name
They're far from similar but a twins face is hard to change
Regardless of the likeliness, for Robert he's someone hard to claim
There's a sense of resentment for holding dad through they're fathers pain
Though the pain was insane, Roger remained distant
While alone, praying silent wishes for a miraculous cure in an instant
Their father remained persistent, before they knew he was gone w/ the quickness
With him gone, Roger crisscrossed his wishlist & never sought forgiveness
The Twist
After many years and many tears, these brothers paths stayed forever clear
For the rest of their lives they thought each others voice they'd never hear
One night, after one fight Roger once again found himself against the law
Obviously drunk; there was a group of bikers he decided to dislike them all
After kicking over a bike, in one swipe goodnight he'd fall
Coincidentally Robert was on patrol across the street and received the call
He and his partner quickly intervened and got between the maul
Only to see his twin at his feet, bloodied and beat to hell
Suddenly enraged, he pulled the gun from his brothers waist and well...
He shot every biker in sight, and in spite even his partner between the eyes
Blood is thicker than water...
... & that's one fact Robert can never change, no matter how hard he tries
http://img09.deviantart.net/dc84/i/2...hy-dar5n98.jpg
Apex
It's funny how feelings are intertwined with color schemes
Running things through filters, opaquely finite to cover dreams
Smothering, hoping the coping doesn't break under pressure
Inviting panic to invade this normality with flustered gestures
And in the dusted texture lies the truth that's petrified
I guess I'll hide in the shadows till the light opens the door
Opportunity pokes a hole, now feelings are gentrified
Air escaping the blackened void of this broken decor
Who do I call when the subject succumbs to subjugation
A summation reincarnating castration from life's coronation
Pitching the equilibrium to beach the totem amphibian
Insidious bacterial actions changing tones like a chameleon.....
I stand at a diner overlooking a cliff of a million thoughts
Watching the skyline be free from being vermilion wrought
I love progression, the seething change making its presence
Marking the fact that what was wasn't remotely relevant
It speaks to the inner warrior to accept acquiescence
For in the center, peace's redolence is elegant.....
The lights of the exterior shine on my personal stage
Hydrating to manage the bewilderment to the cage
Pardoned with answers, I can revel in effervescing solace
Remove the golden veil failed that showered my Goddess....
Calling the instigator to the previous events to retort
"Yes, Baby Doll, I want a divorce......"
Rihht i liked both these verses for what yall be doing it was a tight battle nobody really felt forced or wrded incorrectly you obviously both put a lot into this battle.... anyways i felt like illunatic was trying to get closer to the topic with the verse but at the sametime 143 came with a much more poetical approach so while illunatic tried to go wiyh the closrr to the topic with the text illunatic took the more im going to usebig words just to make something up that was flashy to the point you didnt understand what you were trying to portray for me i enjoy the first type of verse more in my opinion but anyways i feel for 143 though he put in s good effort, still my mind stays made up so im going with illunatic....
Vote: illunatic
Clode battle though.. good job guys and goodluck...
ILLunatic, you've got nice clean lines, with consistent flow,
and a good story line. That intro starts off strong. Your first two
lines are music to my ears as far as melody goes, really nice beat to
the words. It continues like that pretty much throughout
the whole piece. I think your idea of the twin brothers was interesting
but it was the twist at the end that brought it all together and reflected on
the pic you chose. You had some nice details drawing us closer to the subjects and also
good imagery happening describing scenes.
There's a slight typo in this sentence....you used the wrong 'their', no biggie.
'... There's a sense of resentment for holding dad through they're fathers pain...'
Also, when using the same word in too close proximity I think it takes away a little from the piece.
'... There's a sense of resentment for holding dad through they're fathers pain
Though the pain was insane, Roger remained distant...'
^^ These two lines didn't affect it as much because of the rhymes meshing so well on that second line, but...
'... Their father remained persistent, before they knew he was gone w/ the quickness
With him gone, Roger crisscrossed his wishlist & never sought forgiveness...'
...with these lines, the word 'gone' just stood out more than what it should have imo because of that doubling
up of words being so close to each other.
All in all I thought this was a well written piece that had strong descriptions helping the imagery win over our imagination.
My favourite stanza would have to be the last one.
It represents a bloody war and mayhem and left a family member obviously devastated.
Good stuff ILL. I like it. I felt like I was watching tv.
143, that whole intro was quality writing. The flow was good and the wording was rich, carrying an elegant atmosphere
all through it. Tone has a lot to play in that stanza. Beautifully written, lovely pauses, good stuff 143.
That second stanza had a few words I had to look up, but once I did, it all fell into place.
The third stanza is also really well written. I especially love this bit...
'... It speaks to the inner warrior to accept acquiescence
For in the center, peace's redolence is elegant.....'
I thought that was wonderfully written. Great lines, beautiful msg.
And that last stanza and especially that last line, cemented the whole lot and left me with a ....'I didn't expect that' moment
which is always welcomed.
Really good work here.
Ok, guys, both were well written pieces, but right at this moment, it's obvious to me which one of these pieces is the richer piece.
To me, big long words don't always do it for me because I've gotta go to the trouble of looking them up and most times I
can't be stuffed. But once I do, and I fully understand the meaning of what's being said, the puzzle starts to take shape.
ILL's was well written with an entertaining story line and good mechanics and techniques in place.
However I can't go past the writing that 143 brought to the table here.
I feel it's richer, and goes deeper emotionally, taking the reader to a place that's new and foreign.
The perspective seemed fresher to me but I think what won it for me was purely the abundance of sophistication in the wording
followed and backed up by soft rhymes and melodic flow.
And for that I'm going to....
V - 143
Pleasure to read, feed and vote on these two pieces.
Nice battle fellas.
Thank you.
- - - Updated - - -
*Weird how there's no poll for this battle.
Illunatic, getting into law enforcement. I really dug this storyline. I had a pretty dope collaboration years ago with Celph Taut about two brothers. One being in the mafia and the other being FBI. So this reminded me of that a lot and I gotta say you kept my interest. My only two issues was it being so short. I wanted more. Y'know? I also didn't care too much for w/ the quickness. Just seemed awkward to me. Otherwise it was a really solid read. Flow was smooth. Wording was clean. Story kept you involved. I liked it a lot man.
Digits, your style is always different. Which isn't good but it isn't bad either. You just leave it in the hands of preference when you write because you write your own thing. You bring these narrative/thoughtful pieces while your opponents usually drop a dope story. Which sucks for me because I'm a storyteller. Y'know? So even though I like a part of your writing, 50% of the time I like your opponent's story lol. So it's rough mang. Your style always crosses between Immortal Technique (not his story stuff but his venting stuff) and Black Thought. With a distinct level of vocabulary that nobody else matches to this day and a smooth rhyme scheme. I guess I just wish there was more depth because you're a brute on the surface if that makes sense. Nice read no matter what. Just didn't suck me in like Illunatic did.
Vote Illunatic for a more compelling story.
2-1 in favor of ILLunatic, closed.