Snowball Effect [SS]

Snowball Effect; My thoughts of madness

As the snow fell…..
My thoughts go glum and sparkle, my time of life darkens…
With birds chirping melodies; my brain begins to rotten
Emotions dandle and flaunt, the hour glass madness begins
I etched a sketch that broke barriers between truth and sin
I hide behind fainted shadows and silhouettes
I placed my heart on upon a pitchfork that slithers on regret.



The Touch of snow
Derived in demise that hides the truth from my eyes.
Thoughts rumble out shy, telling no truth just lies
I abide inside; leaving a shadow thoughtless that cries…
Feeling weary and dumb, from this punch drunk stye.
My guilty pleasure surrounds and clouds my mind
That teases my taste buds to go figure, she’d never be mine
I unwind and dine, walk the cloud nine refined
A mess I’m displayed, my words incline to design.
Left messages unanswered, I seek for repentance
I glue my hands together, praying every day for acceptance.
Septic seeds arouse with halos and wings…
The screams of guilt seat firmly, infecting inside of me
Drowsy of the heat, clashing the finer things
My heart rates FLAT… only the shadows could see.
Tarnished emphasis picked ruthless,
It’s useless…
As my words tangle upon each other leaving me toothless
Shredding my glow of lightness leaving me foul and scorn
Remorse of emotional entities, bugging me sore
Killing me with deviance, while pain spends to explore
I tend to the shore of my heart, but the tsunami just crashes with gore

My own Conscience...
I’ve been up and I have been thrown around
I have been tossed up to the sky and on my way back down
They’re was this girl on the street searching for that beat
Subsides to bring that killer bass with a melody
Her beauty was appealing, my heart shook cold
Couldn’t place my finger on what to do, so I watched her go.


Before the snow covered
Her words were so sweet...the taste of sweet apples crowd
Caressing to taste more…loving her every touch and sound.
My blood bubbles with anticipation
....My soul feeds off this temptation…
Wanting her precious love to arouse a mental lustration
But I got frustrated…She kept walking away
Ignoring all my wants… not hearing what I had to say.
So I pulled her by the arm...but I didn’t mean for it to hurt
I only wanted to ask a few questions and negate a flirt.
But she kept on pulling away… she kept kicking me too
Pulling on my hair and screaming, thought my ear drums blew
All of a sudden a tug of war was confronted…
She wanted to play a game so I stayed and tugged it…
Still she kept screaming and she kept on yelling…
I said SHH... keep quiet, before your words start compelling.
All of a sudden a swift move was mistaken...
A blunt force of strength was made, and a life was taken
My thoughts now...
Now my ego sits dumbfound of this event
a hell hole from light... is where my life will be spent
so dence, that the thought of it leaves me dent
expect, the unexpected and absorb neglect
Can't forget of what was done and i surely regret
cause if i meant to harm....
...... i would have killed her since and fucked her dead


You have the right to remain silent anything you say
Can and will be used against you in the court of law
You have a right to an attorney... if you cannot afford one
One will be appointed to you.

*Johnny vitali arrested for the murder of his ex wife
Serving life in orange county prison*

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...eb-333973.html
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...ge-333054.html

that shits gangster man...lol thanks for the feedback on my horror show shit...i am back from a mad long vacation, lol, but i was always kinda rusty to begin with, although i can tell you im gettin better haha...but this shit here man, i dont know how people do it like that...such a coherent piece that seems so effortless to understand...i find it difficult putting 16 bars of the same theme that has some kick to it, and you did that three times over...so tight man, im lovin this right here

I liked this in SS. It was a pretty routine style from you but dope as usual. I loved your imagery in this piece, it was very clear and strong, though you word choices did take away from the flow at times, it was still dope. I did have a problem with the word rotten in the second line, thought it sounded out of place and awkward. Just a note. Over all this was a very well written piece with some great imagery and well thought out plot. Nice

thanks man i wrote the complete version on the due date.
i wrote the first stanza like the same day i checked in then i never touched it again til the due date came cus i totally forgot about it.
lmfao

thanks

this is my first UP!.

Simple feed: Okay, this was a pretty nice piece you have here man, content wise it's a fairly strong story line, maybe a little over used, yet as it was a true event (supposedly?) it escapes being played or over used in my mind; Also it was poetic to a certain extent, even the rhyme scheme was more poetic than an upbeat kind of tonal feel... If this was applied to a beat i would use something of more of a chill out based instrumental. Methaphors were strong, didnt see too many in there, but it had a nice blanance of contextual values, spreading from literal speech, to abstracted descriptions, which added a certain ammoutn of variety to the piece, so i likes the way you mixed it up a little, yet i don't think that was intentional, it seems more as though you just wrote and wrote untill the piece was finished, which is how i usually write, unless i'm writing for offline purposes. Some of the verses did not have strong transaction between lines, and came across as forced, but as i elaborate to each verse i will clarify the lines i thought didn not fit well together. That and the fact that at times the story line seemed to go a little off track within parts where you seemed to just loose yourself in the piece (which is a good artistic trate, that evey real writer ends up accidently doing) is my only problems with the piece really. It was a nice tonal piece aswell, it was calm, which made it twice as eary as it would have been writing to the true emotion, anger and frustration... although the words were used at times to demonstrate the true emotion, it was almost given the feel (in my mind) of the guy sitting in his jail cell speaking to another in mate or a reporter about that event, in a reminicant way, just taking it step by step, and actually finding quite difficult to say... which to me, as a person who looks deeper into things, made the breaks in the piece seem almsot like it was him trying to pull himself together befor he carried on. I mean i'm sure it wasnt that, but you know me, my mind kind of goes a little wild tehe... I thought you could have maybe been a little bit more creative with the subtitles to each verse, it seemed as though little though went into the titles, yet if you think about it, every single verse that's the first thing the reader see's, therfor it is equally as important as the first line in dragging the readers focus onto wanting to read further... The first line is the best oppotunity in every verse to pull the reader closer to your message, as a little piece of advice, i'd say just watch out for that, and try to think about that in your next piece. Anyway, on with the real feed and break down...

As the snow fell…..
My thoughts go glum and sparkle, my time of life darkens…
With birds chirping melodies; my brain begins to rotten
Emotions dandle and flaunt, the hour glass madness begins
I etched a sketch that broke barriers between truth and sin
I hide behind fainted shadows and silhouettes
I placed my heart on upon a pitchfork that slithers on regret.
Great start here, it's a pretense almost prolog kind of feel... as for message here, it's strong, especially the descriptions used, such as slithering down the pitch fork, i thought that was pretty excellant... that to me spoke really more about betrayal in a sense... betrayal of his own mind... being eaten alive by his thoughts. Which i thought was pretty vivid and beautiful way to describe that feeling. As far as rhyme scheme would go it was a little hard to grasp from the first two lines, but as it got a little bit more in, it became clear where you were going with the rhyme scheme. But yeah, definately a great start as far as drawing emotion from the reader through the use of well placed imagery. This little bit was actually quite eary in a sense, because you can literally feel the guys pain and anguish through the words. It seemed pretty realistic and well thought out. loved this beggining.

The Touch of snow
Derived in demise that hides the truth from my eyes.
Thoughts rumble out shy, telling no truth just lies
I abide inside; leaving a shadow thoughtless that cries…
Feeling weary and dumb, from this punch drunk stye.
My guilty pleasure surrounds and clouds my mind
That teases my taste buds to go figure, she’d never be mine
I unwind and dine, walk the cloud nine refined
A mess I’m displayed, my words incline to design.
Left messages unanswered, I seek for repentance
I glue my hands together, praying every day for acceptance.
Septic seeds arouse with halos and wings…
The screams of guilt seat firmly, infecting inside of me
Drowsy of the heat, clashing the finer things
My heart rates FLAT… only the shadows could see.
Tarnished emphasis picked ruthless,
It’s useless…
As my words tangle upon each other leaving me toothless
Shredding my glow of lightness leaving me foul and scorn
Remorse of emotional entities, bugging me sore
Killing me with deviance, while pain spends to explore
I tend to the shore of my heart, but the tsunami just crashes with gore
I thought the harsh change from a normal tone, to multis flying out everywhere may have been a little sudden, although i can see where you're coming from, as this verse empasisis the fact that he's despirate for forgiveness, and as humans when we're anxious and up tight we tend to speak faster with more unclarity in the voice and tone, which if that is what you were trying to portray here, i would definately say very well done, as that not only would be very artistic and poetic, but it would be great for drawing out further emotion in a different sense through picking up the speed of the tone... yet i'm not sure if you did actually mean it to be like that. Soem of the lines here were actually really nice.. like 'As my words tangle upon each other leaving me toothless' << that was a really magical scentance in terms of explanation towards the way he's feeling. trapped and confussed. The only problem i really have with this verse, is that at times it streched out alot longer than needed, like the last few lines may have been a little more than was nessasery for the correct effect you desired. My advice for this verse would be to lower the tone a little bit, in order to save the big bang for the finally, otherwise it kind of degrades the ending by already provoking the saem imagery and emtion all over again.

My own Conscience...
I’ve been up and I have been thrown around
I have been tossed up to the sky and on my way back down
They’re was this girl on the street searching for that beat
Subsides to bring that killer bass with a melody
Her beauty was appealing, my heart shook cold
Couldn’t place my finger on what to do, so I watched her go.
This was a real touch and go feel for me dude, I really don't think you portrayed this in a good light... it just seemed liek every line was forced, and not really hitting as hard as they should be this far into the piece... Now would have been a perfect time to lower the tone again as he relaxes a little and begins to open up to the person he's talkign to a little more... But it just seemed like you made him get even more worked up, which personally i wasnt feeling on the emotion front, although there werre still some pretty powerful lines in there, like the very last line was fairly effective, and struck me as if the whole verse should have had the feel... The emotion was just all over the place in this verse for me bro.

Before the snow covered
Her words were so sweet...the taste of sweet apples crowd
Caressing to taste more…loving her every touch and sound.
My blood bubbles with anticipation
....My soul feeds off this temptation…
Wanting her precious love to arouse a mental lustration
But I got frustrated…She kept walking away
Ignoring all my wants… not hearing what I had to say.
So I pulled her by the arm...but I didn’t mean for it to hurt
I only wanted to ask a few questions and negate a flirt.
But she kept on pulling away… she kept kicking me too
Pulling on my hair and screaming, thought my ear drums blew
All of a sudden a tug of war was confronted…
She wanted to play a game so I stayed and tugged it…
Still she kept screaming and she kept on yelling…
I said SHH... keep quiet, before your words start compelling.
All of a sudden a swift move was mistaken...
A blunt force of strength was made, and a life was taken
Back to the way we like it! great verse, you managed to capture the innocence of love in the first section, then slowy drag it out to transform into the darker side of the story... This part actually got to me a little bit man, you provoked a feeling of extreme happiness, then managed to bring my mood down to being struck with sadness as the story unfolds to the tragic end. Really well done here with the imagery again dude. The transactions between line to line were fitting really well, and flowed beautifully, this verse was both touching, yet ruggidly disasterous... loved it.

My thoughts now...
Now my ego sits dumbfound of this event
a hell hole from light... is where my life will be spent
so dence, that the thought of it leaves me dent
expect, the unexpected and absorb neglect
Can't forget of what was done and i surely regret
cause if i meant to harm....
...... i would have killed her since and fucked her dead
Great mix between anger and redmeption here, i suppose it capturede what we all would feel like, we'd have both hate and great sorrow for what happened, as it was an accident, the sorrow would kick into play, yet because of an accident being locked up in a jail cell, well, you'd be pretty pissed!... well i would be anyway. Tonally this was a nice verse aswell, it showed a slightly different side of him from what we had seen previously... it showed that maybe infact he wasnt as sane as he was making out at the beggining, it showed a sense of unbalence in his mind state, which was either brought by being in prison for so long, or was always there... which seems quite feasible considering he showed a few signs of being not quite right even when you were describing how he felt.

Conclussion:
The character you built up in this piece actually got into my head, and i'm not sure if you notice but the way i've been talking about him, it's almost like i'm talking about a real person... and not the words you wrote... which may i say is a damn good sign when it comes to a piece, if you can get into a readers mind like that, i'd have to say, regardless of any minor flaws i picked out from the piece, it;s a job well done my friend. be proud son, impressed.

thank you sir..

bump #2

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Mr. Write

As the snow fell…..
My thoughts go glum and sparkle, my time of life darkens…
With birds chirping melodies; my brain begins to rotten
Emotions dandle and flaunt, the hour glass madness begins
I etched a sketch that broke barriers between truth and sin
I hide behind fainted shadows and silhouettes
I placed my heart on upon a pitchfork that slithers on regret.

---

“begins to rotten” sounds retarded, tense is wrong and you forced the rhyme while giving up coherency. I don’t think emotions dandle, did you mean dangle? Dandle is usually reserved for humans. Guess it kinda works. Should “on” be deleted in the last line? Don’t need both ‘on’ and ‘upon’

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Mr. Write

The Touch of snow
Derived in demise that hides the truth from my eyes.
Thoughts rumble out shy, telling no truth just lies
I abide inside; leaving a shadow thoughtless that cries…
Feeling weary and dumb, from this punch drunk stye.
My guilty pleasure surrounds and clouds my mind
That teases my taste buds to go figure, she’d never be mine
I unwind and dine, walk the cloud nine refined
A mess I’m displayed, my words incline to design.
Left messages unanswered, I seek for repentance
I glue my hands together, praying every day for acceptance.
Septic seeds arouse with halos and wings…
The screams of guilt seat firmly, infecting inside of me
Drowsy of the heat, clashing the finer things
My heart rates FLAT… only the shadows could see.
Tarnished emphasis picked ruthless,
It’s useless…
As my words tangle upon each other leaving me toothless
Shredding my glow of lightness leaving me foul and scorn
Remorse of emotional entities, bugging me sore
Killing me with deviance, while pain spends to explore
I tend to the shore of my heart, but the tsunami just crashes with gore

---

What was Derived? Again using a word incorrectly just because it rhymes. Think “stye” is also misused. Unless you mean a bacterial infection of the eye. I like the glued hands together line, like the last line also. Good metaphors.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Mr. Write

My own Conscience...
I’ve been up and I have been thrown around
I have been tossed up to the sky and on my way back down
They’re was this girl on the street searching for that beat
Subsides to bring that killer bass with a melody
Her beauty was appealing, my heart shook cold
Couldn’t place my finger on what to do, so I watched her go.

---

First two lines could be worded better, get rid of the “I” in the first line and add “I’m” in the second before ‘on my way”, or else it comes off funny. Whoa, no transition between first 2 lines and the last 4, awkward jump there.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Mr. Write

Before the snow covered
Her words were so sweet...the taste of sweet apples crowd
Caressing to taste more…loving her every touch and sound.
My blood bubbles with anticipation
....My soul feeds off this temptation…
Wanting her precious love to arouse a mental lustration
But I got frustrated…She kept walking away
Ignoring all my wants… not hearing what I had to say.
So I pulled her by the arm...but I didn’t mean for it to hurt
I only wanted to ask a few questions and negate a flirt.
But she kept on pulling away… she kept kicking me too
Pulling on my hair and screaming, thought my ear drums blew
All of a sudden a tug of war was confronted…
She wanted to play a game so I stayed and tugged it…
Still she kept screaming and she kept on yelling…
I said SHH... keep quiet, before your words start compelling.
All of a sudden a swift move was mistaken...
A blunt force of strength was made, and a life was taken

---

‘compelling’ seems wrong to me, should be ‘to compel’ I think but not sure. Thought this stanza could have been better, not very moving.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Mr. Write

My thoughts now...
Now my ego sits dumbfound of this event
a hell hole from light... is where my life will be spent
so dence, that the thought of it leaves me dent
expect, the unexpected and absorb neglect
Can't forget of what was done and i surely regret
cause if i meant to harm....
...... i would have killed her since and fucked her dead

---

“dence” – ‘dense’

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Mr. Write

You have the right to remain silent anything you say
Can and will be used against you in the court of law
You have a right to an attorney... if you cannot afford one
One will be appointed to you.

*Johnny vitali arrested for the murder of his ex wife
Serving life in orange county prison*

---

thought this ended abruptly, no real conclusion. You set this thing up, then rushed to end it without telling the reader how or giving any sense of closure.




Overall I thought this was average. You had good attempts at internals, but I think at times you tried too hard to rhyme and put in some words that didn’t fit or make sense. The story was mostly good but I feel you ended it too soon. The structure was a nice idea, and you did it pretty well.




please peep http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...te-334113.html

yea ugh BUMP PEOPLE!>

lame asses man. for reals i always get looked over huh..
i noticed that.
Psh Whatever...!

Write, you stupid ho :love:

Hey dude, this was a nicely written piece. I enjoyed the character you created in it. The Snowball effect though didn't see mto build up as much as it could of. I read this in SS and I thought you could've done so much more with the storyline itself. The piece as a whole was solid enough to keep interest however. I did enjoy this, but I think you could've done more with it, but hell what do I know. Good job.

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...es-334143.html
hit it up ^

The flow of this was pretty good, it read well and you took your time to write it and all that... I just don't really dig the content... All of this romantic anger stuff... I just read a lot of it on this site and its sort of unapproachable for me, like, I never get into it because I don't care about a woman right now, and I choose not to try to connect to it because I'd rather not remember the last one I cared about deeply. That bit of personal business aside, the piece is good, man, there's not a whole lot to say about it, though, it doesn't make any big points on love, or hate, it just kind of tells it how it is and sort of ends it at that, he kills her because she pisses him off... I can see how it relates to the title and its a pretty cool way to go with it and show a snowball effect, and be dramatic, I just... I don't know, I think maybe this was the most obvious route as well. Like, of course, a little thing in a relationship can end up being blown out of proportion, and a lot of people would think of that first since its close to heart and as humans we feel these thing alot and want to write about them... its therapy... see what I'm doing now? Anyways, its nice, I liked reading it and you flowed well, nothing really complex but still very much on metre. So good piece, I just don't like this topic, lol.

shit.. i'll leave feed but im not on a poeta status.

It was good, but every one of your pieces remind me of the same thing. you know? well, its just your style. You have good content, and good story lines, your flow is fluid, and I like your structure. I just think you have to step up your way of taking on to a topic, for instance, you can take different perspectives on something like..

if you saw,
Sea's of Blood

You will probably instantly think of war or killing or something of that nature, but you can always think of something else, for instance, a doctor, blood donors, something of that nature. If you learn to change the views on topics, you will be amazing. but don't take my advice if you dont want to, just tryna give you some constructive feed. but overall good job, it was average for YOU. YOU normally drop pretty dope, so this was just another piece. keep writing, keep dropping, stay straight.. good luck

and if you could, please.. please, leave feed on my piece with Johnny 6-Feet.

its called "As the Dawn Fades", its a little long, but its dope, and I promise you a good read.

peace.

word i will feed.
yea this piece was average for me...so...