Tears in her eyes

1st Op that i've ever done feedback would be appreciated...


Young and innocence at it's prime she was 13 when she became impregnated..
the child's father, a fiend himself for the rush of a more dramatic high through a needle then before is not around
this young girl net yet a woman who possesses very few materialistic items
does net yet or can even begin to comprehend, even acknowledge at the time, the responsibilities of being a parent, crossing that threshold
so many of us feared at a young age, developing a sense of what its like to be in the real world
providing for yourself, feeding, clothing, and housing yourself, no she was not prepared for the months and years that were to follow
Pregnant at a young age just a baby herself now about to bring forth life into this world
life that she will have created, gods gift of life shall be passed through her body.


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It's the 1st month the baby is an embryo consisting of two layers
of cells from which all the organs and body parts will develop.
She struggles to find a job in a poverty stricken city, she knows she must provide for her baby by any means necessary.

http://img29.imageshack.us/img29/4139/52655786.jpg
By the 2nd month the baby is now about the size of a kidney bean and is
constantly moving. They have distinct, slightly webbed fingers.
Stress has overwhelmed her poor soul, slowly diminishing her strength..she has yet to find a job..she cannot work nights she is deathly afraid for her well being as well as her childs, she refuses to walk the streets once the sun has retired itself for the day.


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3rd month By now the baby is about 3 inches long and weighs
nearly an ounce. Their tiny, unique fingerprints are now in place.
Our young woman's stomach is slowly and surely beginning to show.

http://img14.imageshack.us/img14/5493/87687735.jpg
4th month the baby is now about 5 inches long and weighs 5 ounces.
Their skeleton is starting to harden from rubbery cartilage to bone.
Her appetite has increased now that she is feeding for two, unusual cravings during odd times through out the day are noted.

http://img14.imageshack.us/img14/6334/89203823.jpg
5th month Eyebrows and eyelids are now in place. The baby would
now be more than 10 inches long if you stretched out their legs.
Her stomach has now grown bigger, the baby can be felt kicking in the womb.

http://img14.imageshack.us/img14/82/10798271.jpg
6th month the baby weighs about a pound and a half. Their wrinkled
skin is starting to smooth out as they put on baby fat.
She applies to become supported off of welfare and food stamps, something most of us have been acquainted with doing and are quite familiar with.

http://img196.imageshack.us/img196/3007/62466135.jpg
7th month By now, the baby weighs about 3 pounds and is more
than 15 inches long. they can open and close her eyes and follow a light.
Her mood swings are violent and come as swiftly as they disappear.

http://img196.imageshack.us/img196/4171/18992079.jpg
8th month the baby now weighs about 4 3/4 pounds. Their layers of fat
are filling out, making them rounder, and their lungs are well developed.
She is excited, the baby is active and healthy, so said her doctor from a previous visit to his office.


http://img199.imageshack.us/img199/5619/31685558.jpg
9th month-The average baby is more than 19 inches long and weighs
nearly 7 pounds now, but babies vary widely in size at this stage.

The amniotic sac breaks, her contractions begin, she screams aloud in blood curdling tones that echo through the halls of the hospital as she is brought into the the emergency room...
Gasping for breaths, moans of pain are heard in other wards of the hospital, her vital signs become increasingly unstable
as doctors prepare to perform a C-section..
minutes go by, our young girl is slipping into an unconscious state,medications are too risky to administer at this point..
...there's a bright light, as one life is brought into the world another leaves peacefully as our young woman takes one last breath in this lifetime she blinks one last time to see her beautiful babygirl being born...
as a few last tears trickle down the side of her cheeks, so proud so happy to have seen her beautiful daughter for the very first time she works up enough strength though her body was weak and ravaged from the entire ordeal to smile, though cold o so cold..knowing her time to go to god has come, eyes attentively focused on her baby's beautiful face as her eyes fall heavily shut.[SOUNDCLICK][/SOUNDCLICK]

I'm not sure what links I'm supposed to leave? Or even if I'm supposed to leave any links?

leave links that you've posted on or left feed back on for example if you feed on my topic then you post that link and yeah you need 2 links that you've posted on

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...=1#post7086953

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...=1#post7086959

Bump

Bump

I like where you are trying to go with this one, I just dont really see the rhyme scheme in it. Didn't flow well for me, the subject and thought behind it was right on track, I just think you need to work on your word play and flow. Choose your words a bit better. Best of luck.

hmm this was a weird but ok piece....ok,you had good imagery by allowing the reader a step by step of the pregnancy but i got bored reading your piece...the lines were too long,they didnt rhyme, i dont think any off your lines rhymed, your grammar and vocab was poor, you need to expand your vocab....if you gave us a twist in your story that would've been dope

but the main thing is too rhyme or use internals to make the reader go 'WOW'