Hollow Glass of love; Temptation a must
Hollow glass of love: Temptations a must.
http://tn3-2.deviantart.com/fs11/300...by_ceres86.jpg
I’m pacing back and forth;
On the chair my pops once sat in.
Thinking ponderously,
The same thing he would wonder of.
(I think…)
The clouds collage;
A rainy day, with light peeking
Curiously, at were that sound is coming from.
Tapping down…
And batting sounds into commotion,
Emotion settling in under my eyes…
…Seeping into deep sleep.
(RUBS EYES)
Trying to stay awake,
From this vigorous nightingale,
That lullabies sweet cries…
…In my ear softly.
My earlobes quiver…
In pleasure, I must say.
My jaw giggles…
Ascending Goosebumps,
To ignite and shiver viciously
…Down my skin.
In the midst of this high tide
I swim to the light…
To find
…Nothing at all.
Just my thoughts...
...Picture perfect on the wall.
The sound of footsteps, mock me
And taunt with anguish and tears,
Leaving marks of brutality
…To dwell deep within.
I put my glasses down to see a blur figure
I de-pressure my sight and relax…
….I see myself in the mirror.
I feel washed up but it was just the water dropping
Hitting the hollow sink… as my emotions continued talking
These deviant shadows
Keep trail of my steps.
I try to pace backwards…
..To retrace my thoughts,
To find nothing…
(AGAIN)
Will you ever return,
(SIGHS) this pain I cant stand
It burns with marks of love
Lashed out to show off.
She was my love…
…yet she never cameback.
He stole her from me…
…(GOD) why?...
So I close my eyes and finally let,
My thoughts rest for the sun to rise.
Yet I fell into a deep sleep,
To spend eternity with you.
.
.
.
Til we meet again.
Re: Hollow Glass of love; Temptation a must
Re: Hollow Glass of love; Temptation a must
You cant really say this is your last piece, you never know maybe you'll want to check it out again in a few months. Anyway if this is your last piece was a very nice way to go out, I loved your imagery and metaphores were some of your best, the emotion was crystal clear, you dont have to be a rocket scientest to figure out what this is about. Definatly in HoF this month but not because it's your last, because it's just a good poem. Sorry about your loss.
Re: Hollow Glass of love; Temptation a must
Re: Hollow Glass of love; Temptation a must
Re: Hollow Glass of love; Temptation a must
Alright I can digg it...
like my man high mentioned, a true poet never quit writing so even if you leave here poetry will always be with you if of course you're a true poet...
As for the piece you chose words that gave me vivid outlook on what you were feeling. Imagery wasn't on the same level as your emotion, you used pretty common phrases to describe what you were doing like, "I was pacing back and fourth" an little creativity would've appealed me alot more...
peace nice piece though famo keep in touch..
Re: Hollow Glass of love; Temptation a must
Re: Hollow Glass of love; Temptation a must
Re: Hollow Glass of love; Temptation a must
Trying to stay awake,
From this vigorous nightingale,
That lullabies sweet cries…
…In my ear softly.
My earlobes quiver…
In pleasure, I must say.
My jaw giggles…
Ascending Goosebumps,
To ignite and shiver viciously
…Down my skin.
In the midst of this high tide
I swim to the light…
To find
…Nothing at all.
i liked this section a lot, sorry i don't have the mind to check out the whole piece right now, but this stood out to me, and is a complete poem in itself
nice writing /crafting, with some high level imagery and vocabs
1
Re: Hollow Glass of love; Temptation a must
thanks man for the feed...
BUMP.
Re: Hollow Glass of love; Temptation a must
Re: Hollow Glass of love; Temptation a must
This first stanza opened the poem well, it wasn't abrupt, wasn't misleading, just nice. I like 'pacing' in a chair, as it seems to give it tempo and rhythym, but also shows that there's an air of urgency or danger even. The 'chair your pops once sat in' makes it personal, and we can identify that you're relating this unrest to a personal issue - possibly close to your family life. I think you're illustrating confusion, because your uncertain as to whether you're thinking what your father (quite clearly a role model of some sort here) would have thought. I think there could have been a better substitute for 'thinking ponderously' as the two could clash with the pace of the previous lines. Although i'm sure it's just how i read things haha.
Quote:
The clouds collage;
A rainy day, with light peeking
Curiously, at were that sound is coming from.
This is very well put together, the idea of these objects such as clouds and light 'collaging' instantly gives them a majesty and an aesthetically emotional appearance. I think these lines were very effective at finding the right feelings for the reader to draw for themselves.
Quote:
Tapping down…
And batting sounds into commotion,
Emotion settling in under my eyes…
…Seeping into deep sleep.
(RUBS EYES)
Trying to stay awake,
From this vigorous nightingale,
That lullabies sweet cries…
…In my ear softly.
My earlobes quiver…
In pleasure, I must say.
My jaw giggles…
Ascending Goosebumps,
To ignite and shiver viciously
…Down my skin.
This was a weaker stanza. Slightly too cluttered to be felt rightly, and somewhat too held back to be read into.
I think that the words you used were effective and in the right place, but maybe the lines should have been extended to accomodate more information.
It's apparent that you're bored and agitated at the same time by the troubles you are writing about, although from a different perspective it looks like you are more worried than agitated.
In fact, the structural approach of cluttering the lines with alot of pauses could indicate that there is an impatience, whether it's worry or something else is unclear because of the lack of content.
Overall i'm quite mislead by this part of the piece.
Quote:
In the midst of this high tide
I swim to the light…
To find
…Nothing at all.
Just my thoughts...
...Picture perfect on the wall.
Here is a nice part. It's very warm, it's also calm, and it's quite lonely, but in a good way. As though you're trying to organise things in the midst of a storm, and succeeding.
The image of swimming through water to light (indicating that the water and surroundings are dark, which adds to the emotional draw) and finally arriving there, to find absolute peace, with your worries and troubles laid out tidily for you to take in - it comes to my mind and works with the writing fluently.
Quote:
The sound of footsteps, mock me
And taunt with anguish and tears,
Leaving marks of brutality
…To dwell deep within.
Another nice few lines.
Being mocked by footsteps, to me, shows that you don't want to progress - as though you can't keep up with the pace and you'd absolutley love time to stop and be able to think things through. Alot of the time in life we feel that life is moving too fast around us, and it's no better if we have problems to deal with in the middle of it.
You're a man, a deep person, you suck problems up because you've got a dick and you know that we as men can hold anything in. But alot of the time the things we suck up can be really hard to deal with personally, inside.
I'm kind of thinking that 'marks of brutality' are to be seen as problems or stresses that are hard to deal with personally, and furthermore they're causing a drag on your progression with thought. Where i'm at in the poem, i'm guessing that this is about a death, or a loss of some sort. Maybe somebody close to you can't be in your life anymore and it's knocked your sense of stability.
Quote:
I put my glasses down to see a blur figure
I de-pressure my sight and relax…
….I see myself in the mirror.
I feel washed up but it was just the water dropping
Hitting the hollow sink… as my emotions continued talking
This was quite nice to read, this figure is the figure that you're missing. Upon relaxing, you realise that your mind is getting too hopeful, the figure is you.
Feeling washed up, empty, hungry, all of them are somehow the same, and i like the link to the water dropping, and furthermore the use of the word 'hollow' perfects the emotion i feel down to a point.
'As my emotions continued talking' is brilliant, seriously i love this piece more and more each line. Your emotions are leaving without you, they don't care that you need time to mellow up, it's one big rat race to them. The way it was like the killing blow of this stanza really emphasised the feelings i got from all the previous lines. Like, when you think a rapper just delivered a dope punch, and then all of a sudden they add that tiny little extension on the end that makes you cringe for applause.
Quote:
These deviant shadows
Keep trail of my steps.
I try to pace backwards…
..To retrace my thoughts,
To find nothing…
(AGAIN)
Very simple and straight forward, showing your lack of conclusion, and also again showing the unrest and progression that you can't keep up with. The second you think you've covered ground, you go back on it only to find it's been messed up again. Very stressful. I feel you overused 'to' here though, and it was a little less developed than the rest of the poem.
Quote:
Will you ever return,
(SIGHS) this pain I cant stand
It burns with marks of love
Lashed out to show off.
She was my love…
…yet she never cameback.
He stole her from me…
…(GOD) why?...
So I close my eyes and finally let,
My them rest for the sun to rise.
Yet I fell into a deep sleep,
To spend eternity with you.
.
.
.
Til we meet again.
Ahh so unless we're speaking metaphorically which at this point of the piece, it doesn't matter - i was right. The loss of a love is the cause of this unrest and sense of lost placement. I can't say much about this for you as it would only be a waste of explanation, it's quite clear how this is ending.
Although, a very creative approach to the last part - it could be read many ways. Are you going to sleep in the hope that you won't wake up to the same pain? Possibly exhaustion from the stress. Or, you could be suicidal - but if i know you after reading the originality shown everywhere else, you wouldn't use that as a poetic device. So i'm going to go on my final thought; which is - you may as well be physically dead or asleep. Neither matters. Because inside, you are dead already. Empty, and lacking in will. You're only hope of finding the path again is to find understanding of why you have suffered this loss.
This piece was awesome bro. I know it might not be much of a breakdown, but it's like 5am and i'm absolutely burnt on caffeine.
I'll definitely nominate this, i think alot of people really won't appreciate the depth and the feelings that your emotional content has to offer, but upon actually working my way into it, i really felt a part of this big illustrative story.
You know i'm not sure as to whether i like the narratives or i dislike them. They have been effective throughout and also have been off putting. But they aren't destroying the actual content, so i guess they can stay ^_^
Thanks for the read, thanks for the feed, and i hope that whatever you're going through, whether i understood it correctly or not - you find a way of organising your thoughts and finding your way through it bro.
Peace.
Re: Hollow Glass of love; Temptation a must
^^
thanks man DAT was right about you aswell man you and him are like hand in hand especially the feed section man... we should collab soon.
Re: Hollow Glass of love; Temptation a must
Yeah definitely, and Dat was right about me? How so?
Re: Hollow Glass of love; Temptation a must
Okay, i've read this a few times now, and i definately think you d have a way with words, yet it needs nurturing into your true ability... it almost seems like you're writing in the footsteps of others, where as i think there is alot more to come out of you in the future, and i for once cannot wait until that day, as to be honest you work hard, and you deserve it bro. When i originally read the title, i was really not sure about it as it pointed in the direction of a cliche lost love piece, but here you did actually bring yourself into it and made it a pretty original piece, not so much in story line, yet in the way you approached the piece, you stayed humble and didn't go over the top on anything, which can be very important in emotional pieces (ironically) i mean you'd think that going over the top on an amotional piece would actually suit the mood, yet it tends to destryoy a piece before it's even got off the ground... now usually i'm not into pictures anymore, as i realised it set me limits to the way i approached the story, as the image reflects the piece itself, but i think in your mind here you knew what you wanted from the piece and the picture suited it just right. so good choice. anyway, onto the piece itself...
1st stanza:
Okay, it was a nice opener, brought the feeling of almost despiration and despair straight to the readers mind, which was a good set up for the emotion and left a gateway for further imagery. the one thing i really don't think is nessesary, in both this stanza and the other stanzas is the bracketed words... they really did seem pointless to me, they could have been made into nice imagry lines, so for me it took a bit away from the piece and seemed sloppy in my mind. because you were reverting into the past tense of memories, it gave an element of curiosity and had questions inside such as 'what's he thinking of' 'whats his dad got to do with this' and as they were left unanswered in this section that was smart, nice way to drag the reader into the piece and make it interesting from the very start, as the first section for obvious reasons (debateably) is the most important, as it's the first thing the reader sees, and that's the importance of 'first impressions' if you will.
2nd stanza:
This section was pretty nice, not so much to start of with as you brought a cliche imagery tactic from the 'collage of clouds' kind of thing, which threw me off a little, but then you moved into the emotion and the flow made it seem to me as if you were figiting around and uneasy. which set the emotion off to a good start and a nice follow up from the 1st stanza.. my favorite line from this stanza would have to be the emotion setting in under my eyes line... that was actually a beautiful description useage, to me it made it relatable to alot of people... then switching to the 'seeping into a deep sleep' really gave me a strange feeling, as it was quite eary the thought that he's crying himself to sleep... that was really nice. the transition from the first to the second stanza was pretty flawless, it really was tight.
3rd stanza:
Personally i think this section dragged on in the emotion nearer the end... but the start was very nice man, with lines such as 'my jaw laughs' really took this to a new level... i think this stanza mainly personafies the loneliness he has since he lost his love... and the iscolation he has almost deliberately displaced himself in. the metas in this section really hit off well, and kind of made the piece for me personally, it was almost like he's so distraught that he actually finds himself pitifully funny... although it never directly said that, you know me, i read deeper into anything! i think here alot of readers would be thrown off the trail of the plot due to lack of understanding for metaphors, not as their fault, yet just because the general person takes everything on face value, in a literal sense, which when writing off rb, you need to watch out for, as obviously here the majority that post in this forum know what they are looking for and know how to decipher a piece. just be warey of that.
5th stanza:
Another section of nice lines... the lines that hit me the hardest here was the first line and the last line, the first as it was a really strange original way of describing trying to see without his glasses... and the last line because you almost made it seem as if the sink was him... "hollow" as that is exactly how he feels inside... that was damn nice man... subtle yet very effective to me. this stanza is probably my favorite as every line is as i said, subtly placed, yet are important to bringing the imagery to life, plus taking it once again to another level... and the transitions between each lined followed on nicely, you didnt just rush onto the next point in which alot of writers tend to do, you concerntrated on each line to make it applicable to the next... so well thought out dude.
6th stanza:
The line 'pace backwards' was dope, yet to me it had a double meaning... not only did i get the tracing previous thoughts in piece, yet wanting so badly to take back the time and bring her back... then obviously he cant so the line after was nicely placed 'to find nothing' i dont think it meant nothing in the literal sense, i think you meant nothing in the context of he realises that no matter how much he dewells on it, she never can return. you can feel it's coming to an end here, which i like the fact you're closing it nicely... rather than keeping the story going, then having a sudden untimely closure. so once again, good to see you thinking ahead in the piece. this was a simple section, and in some ways didnt fit so much with the rest... but i think that also suits his emotion, he's lost, he doesn't know what to do, where to go, and he has no direction anymore... so although i'm sure you didnt mean that by making this like that, i still got that impression on a personal note.
7th stanza:
Confussion is the only word i will choose... and once again that worked really well for me, i believe this was heavilly metaphorial in the sense that the lines are reflecting his loneliness again, and you can tell he's very confussed at this point, it's almost like he's lost all will to do anything, even cry... he just wants to lay there and do nothing... which i personally believe is also relateable, not so much in the context of literally relatable... but more of a pretense memory we all have of just not being bothered to do anything out of confussion and being upset. it was a nice little closer bro.
Eitherway, thanks for the read man, hope this feed was sufficient, if not... too bad.
tehe
