To be with you

no masked eyes in my carnival
instead, I listen to the ocean
manipulate the waves, begging me
to soak my paper war

I was baptised in your angst
in your insecurity
father figure comfort me
Raise me up, make me free

drowning pain with timid tears
feast or famine, I still fear;
no country is my own

Fickle fingers of my fate
forgive, forget my foolish state
on my shoulders, world and weight
walking wounded home

labour of love, give to me
my final lap of luxury
better safe than just sorry
I'll sing along with you

silver screening all you do

rags to riches, rave review
I'll start from scratch, I'll see it through
your treasure trove is tried and true
Raise me up to be with you

desolate daydreams, deluded, cruel
defeated, distant, I hope that you'll
fan the flames and turn the tables
leave me with no label, able
with bated breath and bones bare
to love you still
from anywhere

Yes

There's a lot going on here, you keep the tone throughout the entire piece. The alliteration littered through the piece really added to it, as well and the pace you set this to.

I find it hard to feed your pieces, cause it's always more than meets the eye, and I tend to get it wrong, so as a 1 dimensional piece without me over analyzing it, I really liked it, em. Good, yes

there is no wrong, or right, when people write, or feed.
it's perspective. and that is mine.
there are teachings, and opinions.
i give an honest opinion, and thank you for yours.

Wooow, this is simply amazing. This is sex in words. Such a beautiful poem all around. Your choice of diction, literary elements (alliteration, mood, and irony come to mind immediately), and flow were accurate to a T. Your rhyme scheme was perfect and was an excellent complement to the flow, tone, and delivery of the words. I love your opening here:

Quote:

---

no masked eyes in my carnival
instead, I listen to the ocean
manipulate the waves, begging me
to soak my paper war

---

This is absolutely fire. I love the "no mask / carnival" ironic imagery and "soak my paper war" metaphor and imagery. There's just so much being said in these four lines, they are fire. Very well written.

Honestly, I could quote your entire poem and say I love every line and that it was my favorite to be honest. I think you wrote something extremely special: emotionally driven with creative imagery and a fluid ass flow that it just rolls off the tongue perfectly. I would really love to hear this poem read aloud as it is rather fun reading it aloud for myself. This is just next level shit here to be honest.

I just don't think my feedback can really do this piece any justice which is disappointing because you always leave me inspiring and uplifting feedback. I feel like what you have written here really connects and resonates with me strongly, as if you tapped into my chaotic brain and translated that on to paper. For myself, that is always a cue of a fantastic piece. I can relate to and agree with every word. Great writing, Emily. Love it.

hmmm im simply amazed by this poem.
i think the route you took was well wrote.

the metaphors here were well placed - the meaning could be taken from several perspectives.

the way you put sin/insecurities/evil/being brainwashed and still being accepted by the high power you need / have / and forever will follow was nicely incorporated without actually being said...

overall i think this should be hof- -- im not a religious man, but i know a good read when i read one.


desolate daydreams, deluded, cruel
defeated, distant, I hope that you'll
fan the flames and turn the tables
leave me with no label

love those lines... simply describes almost everyone, well whoever is trying to find themselves while making many of lifes big mistakes constantly being judged... but god is the only one who can judge you and hopefully he doesnt.. very nice.

Now if you don't see it, I'll be surprised but... reading this, even in ones head you can catch the metre, it's metronome and follow along with your flow in this... Thoroughly captivating and enjoyable as a whole to read, you jam packed everything into one solid, refined piece and made something pretty dang epic, the whole thing is just a giant metaphor, and it's pretty awesome.

Quote:

---

rags to riches, rave review
I'll start from scratch, I'll see it through
your treasure trove is tried and true
Raise me up to be with you

desolate daydreams, deluded, cruel
defeated, distant, I hope that you'll
fan the flames and turn the tables
leave me with no label, able
with bated breath and bones bare
to love you still
from anywhere

---

just wow, it takes a lot for poems like this to give me a wowowo

Quote:

---

Instead, I listen to the ocean
manipulate the waves

So simple it makes you wonder if you heard it before! Now the question becomes have I? The answer...I think not! Again, simple...yet profoundly intriguing.

I was baptised in your angst
in your insecurity
father figure comfort me
Raise me up, make me free

I like how the first line was a transition from the previous stanza.

Also, reading this makes me feel you have a sense of understanding about your situation. It's almost as if you know you've been wronged, but instead of anger or hatred you grew empathy. Because ultimately it's not about the past. It's about the now and you are ready to move on. For there is redemption through forgiveness. Thus..."just help me".

drowning pain with timid tears
feast or famine, I still fear;
no country is my own

Although, you have forgiveness in your heart you are still unsure of the future. You fear the unknown or a repeat of your past. You are fearful of being alone. You are distraught over the idea of never having a home or feeling at home where you are. But, mostly, you fear never knowing the warmth that love brings.

Fickle fingers of my fate
forgive, forget my foolish state
on my shoulders, world and weight
walking wounded home

The idea of love not being obtained has made you a pessimist. It has harden you. It has made you feel bitter. You are becoming what you think is a 'realist' about life. You are losing yourself -- your innocence and hope. You are becoming a product of your environment. And, although, you would like to believe this is just how it is; deep down inside you know that it isn't. Because you know this you hurt...you are wounded by it. But still you grunge forward despite it all.

labour of love, give to me
my final lap of luxury
better safe than just sorry
I'll sing along with you

At this point you have completely lost yourself and are willing to accept anything as love...even if it isn't real.

silver screening all you do

rags to riches, rave review
I'll start from scratch, I'll see it through
your treasure trove is tried and true
Raise me up to be with you

Again, turning to the sensation of artificial reality in hopes of it replicating a feeling or emotion you always longed for in the real world. Just needing a fix or a void filled with something, with anything, becoming a zombie...better that than being lonely.

desolate daydreams, deluded, cruel
defeated, distant, I hope that you'll
fan the flames and turn the tables
leave me with no label, able
with bated breath and bones bare
to love you still
from anywhere

You've completely given in. Willing to be indoctrinated. You offer your soul in exchange to be reborn a new.

---

Just my interpretation. Perhaps I'm off by miles and miles. No matter. Because what really matters is that I got something out of it...perspective.

Really dope piece Em. Tons of great language and phrasing. The imagery was compelling as well. Nice from top to bottom. Just dope!

Fickle fingers of my fate
forgive, forget my foolish state
on my shoulders, world and weight
walking wounded home


So that was amazing lol. This had so much raw emotion that it seeped through each line.
Your diction was outstanding, that is an example of the great diction i enjoyed.
Very subtle rhymy lol. To much out there. I feel like the tone fit thr topic well. You managed
To create a scene or atmosphere with your words witch is awesome when done right.
You done right lol.

Loved the billed up tbh. That last stanza was powerful but my fav is that one I quoted.
Always enjoy your writing. Keep posting sucka!

This is so amazing, Imagery is tight. your worded well done.

Em! You love those fucking alliterations, don't you? Put a ring on it and get a room, jesus. Anyway, I find this to be one of my favorites of your recent work. Mostly for the rhythmic and lyrical flow. They say Jay-Z flows like a faucet, but this was better than that. 'Fickle fingers of my fate' was perhaps my favorite part other than the opening of no mask in the carnival. I got this idea of a lonesome person searching for that person, the elusive comfort. Not even necessarily a person, but perhaps a place or thing; even a home. Good shit, Em.