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Razorblade's & Romance
I trip, slip as the blade grips -
caressing my skin slowly,
sliding only for a moment.
It cries from my wounded heart
as blood dries from my eyes...
Back in black scabs pick at me,
yet I stick to skin like hair on heads;
especially the stray grey ones...
My eye's pack their bags -
hoping for the weather to clear.
She tastes the haste in my mood;
wanting more of what has been -
but no more of this has been...
- Jonathon
cough.
Pretty nice, effective length and a very nice selection of terms. I especially enjoyed the scattered rhymes and alliteration. They (to me) always have the ability to add light and wit to any topic if used well, and there's no problems here. The message travelled well and there was a great communication of images.
I liked the way you put;
"My eye's pack their bags -
hoping for the weather to clear.
She tastes the haste in my mood;
wanting more of what has been -
but no more of this has been..."
Almost as though you were removing any emotion from your words but doing it with subtlety, and slight discrimination towards any other images we could draw from these lines.
The last line threw me off however, just a little. I think it would have been easier read if it were
"but no more of this will be..." although i don't know 100% how you intended it to come across, so that's not a problem.
Overall, nicely done, it's well rounded apart from some timely cliché lines here and there, but no worries - the idea behind it kept me from prejudging and exiting so you did it justice. Pity nobody's left feedback on it, i'd appreciate some return feed on the link i've dropped! Thanks and keep going man.
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...y-360432.html?
nice for a short piece....alot of emotion crammed into it.
you didn't waste any time with filler.
it was kinda straight-forward..........
like you only wanted to say what was needed
these were my fav lines...they had great imagery.
Back in black scabs pick at me,
yet I stick to skin like hair on heads;
especially the stray grey ones...
those lines made me smirk....dope.