bars by barnone

you pussy niggas is funnier than a comic's joke
ill put the knife to yo throat and watch the blood flow
like it's piru's on the track but I bang folk
quick to pop a nigga In his head and let it hang low
oh, I was raised in these hard times
not very religious but I spit it straight from gods minds
Cleveland is the city where I from so I gaurds mine
I Bar Nan, I mean I bar Nathan
bullets hit yo flesh you can smell deaths fragrance
niggas in the game they playin foul, that's flagrant
better wave a white flag or end up in a basement
wearing a body bag on ice, you cant escape it
like looking in a broken mirror, niggas cant face it
Im more direct tv with it, you niggas basic
I'm ill with the flow muhfuka you nggas play sick
now I aint say shit, til you hear that glock click
turn around, see the ski mask make him drop quick
Im on my Pac shit, revolutionary at war
if you aint want the drama what the fuck you screaming for?
I'm leaning with this nina in my palm, yea I'm needind more!

ATTENTION Barnone216,

This automated notification is a friendly reminder for you to provide (2) links to other member submissions that you left adequate feedback to.

I thought that this was quite cool. It's got that rap vibe to it. Bit generic but you're able to word yourself well.
You put a lot of description into the piece which picks up the imagery. I think you might have had a little typo
here and there, but hey...no biggie. As for rhymes, it was a hit and miss. With more hits than misses.
You had some good lines I enjoyed the intro...

"you pussy niggas is funnier than a comic's joke
ill put the knife to yo throat and watch the blood flow
like it's piru's on the track but I bang folk
quick to pop a nigga In his head and let it hang low..."


"Cleveland is the city where I from so I gaurds mine
I Bar Nan, I mean I bar Nathan..."

lol @ bar Nathan.

Good stuff Barnone216

Keep it up and keep dropping




edit:





I hear what @It's Moist is saying and agree with him.
But that's what I mean by its a bit generic. A bit run of the mill try to 'thug it out' feel.
In saying that, I think this guy hasn't got it down pat just yet, but it's obvious he's trying and
has a feel for it. The lack of emotion I think would be due to @Barnone216 trying to
make it sound hard gangster. I'm always a believer that you should draw from within and use
your own real emotions or experiences and chuck that on paper, because I believe that the reader
would sense the honesty and maybe connect more. Readers can also sense when someone is
trying to convince us of something and that just doesn't gel.
But I don't think it will take you long Barnone216 to get your rhymes and flow on point, and chuck your story down. Just got a feeling about you.
Keep it up.

this is a bad drop all in all you need to read a few om's on this site and see what it's all about..it's not about this tough man roll you portrayed within this piece it's about creativity, multi's, internals, flow, connection, imagery and emotion...you'll soon get the hang of it if you stick around..but piece's like this will only get the same result as far as feed stay up keep writing.

@Emilyinthepool , were gonna have to school you on battle rap!

this was an okay read, but.. that gangsta vibe in text just dont do it for me... you gotta get on tracks and have that true emotion behind your voice to really convince us what you saying is really what it is. at times you did hold a steady flow with your multi syllables.
but this kind of writing belongs in the keystyle cypher.

Quote:

---

not very religious but I spit it straight from gods minds
Cleveland is the city where I from so I gaurds mine
I Bar Nan, I mean I bar Nathan
bullets hit yo flesh you can smell deaths fragrance
niggas in the game they playin foul, that's flagrant
better wave a white flag or end up in a basement
wearing a body bag on ice, you cant escape it
like looking in a broken mirror, niggas cant face it
Im more direct tv with it, you niggas basic
I'm ill with the flow muhfuka you nggas play sick

---

this bit was brobably the better part in terms of my enjoyment to read it.
but you gotta drop the gangsta stuff, cause i just wasnt feeling like thats your true self. If it is, then.. ok. do yours.
But for an open mic you need more emotional material thats more metaphorical and imagry driven. Stick around and read up on some other cats works, you'll soon get the hang of it.

Stay up stay droppin, peace!