Hardest Words For Me To Say

I'm trying to write out these words... for my heart is in knots and bundles
Losing time not speaking them have become my only struggles
Open more my heart has become at every breath the more i numb
Visiously falling deep into the sea hoping to chance you'd rescue me
Every moment passes and comes the words afraid to roll off my tounge
Yelling as become my second choice but oxygen won't go inside my lungs
Only if you could see the tear afraid knowning the moment is near
Uncertain if u will hear my heart... from the top to the bottom my soul i write...



Caese

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...et-396582.html
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...se-396200.html

This was an witty written piece my dude. I like the dirrection you took. It was straight to the point here son... I do have a problem with the was content. I think it could have been a tad stronger in word choice to help induce more feeling. It did however have a solid end which made up for some of the content. Other than that, this was a good read. I'd like to see some more devices in use though. Keep it up brother.

cant really say much about the peice, exspresion is what i didnt really get, i knew what you were getting at, you could use better words in different sequences to help with that emotion though......and,
all i can say is, if this is a reality for you, tell that person how you feel, dont hope they will pick up on signals, go for it....
if you write for your self or a loved one, you can never be wrong!!!!

thanks

uppin

Caese

Basic...but effective. It read quite nice - maybe have been more effective and visually appealing (although thats subjective) if you would have structured it better...however the content was heart-felt and fit the concept. It was straight to the point..and accomplished what you intended.

If i had any advice..id say try to dig a little deeper and really bring in more imagery, effective wording etc...

but it was decently written none the less.

i gues the first line excuses whatevr goes wrong in the rest of the poem. Otherwise, Id say you didnt put alot of work in your wordchoice or structure. It could have helped make the idea be communicated more powerfully.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Nik Caese

I'm trying to write out these words... for my heart is in knots and bundles
Losing time not speaking them have become my only struggles
Open more my heart has become at every breath the more i numb
Visiously falling deep into the sea hoping to chance you'd rescue me
Every moment passes and comes the words afraid to roll off my tounge
Yelling as become my second choice but oxygen won't go inside my lungs
Only if you could see the tear afraid knowning the moment is near
Uncertain if u will hear my heart... from the top to the bottom my soul i write...



Caese

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...et-396582.html
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...se-396200.html

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I liked this, you had good expression. I could feel it, you obviously have a lot of emotional shit going on and even if sometimes these things are hard to follow in poetry, I felt them here. It wasn't the greatest thing I've read today, your structure is off and I can see you could do with a few proof reads of your stuff before posting but overall, I appreciate what you were doing with this and I think it's a nice little poem.

Good work.

This was a simple, yet meaningful piece. Your emotion is felt, but your wording could have been altered to make it not only felt but as real as it is to you. You know what you mean, make me know what you mean as much as words on paper can. Don't be afraid to go back to certain lines after you are done writing to alter adjectives and adverbs to the most relevant meaning possible. I also liked the way this piece flowed. A traditional flow yet you have your own twist to it.

I didn't quite like the way you structured it. The typos/spelling errors confused me. You came with a serious topic, so write it as seriously as it is. For example use "You" instead of "U". But besides that, this piece was a good short, meaningful read. Keep writing my friend.

Please rtf on my poem "I am Human"

Hmmm... I wasn't too bad.... :)

^ ^ ^ Not at all too bad. I think you had the ideas down pat, but imo, you could have delved a little deeper with delivery,
giving us more to latch on to. The emotional side was nice, but a little more vulnerability would have been cool.
Some deeper sentiments to give us a bit more intensity, to fire up my sensibilities. I wanna get revved.
This is still nice though.
lol @ the 2009 date.
Come back and give us a taste of what you've got today.
You're hungry. I'm starving.
Bring it!!
Looking forward to the read.