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16 lines
Due in 24 hrs.
http://stuffwetalkabout.com/wp-conte...sony_.com_.png
Topic: Kick Me When Im Down
Please break all votes down according to imagery,multi usage metaphorical expressions,vocabulary content and emotion.
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@Emeritus
Good luck my man
Check
Word, good luck bro, should have my verse up in about an hour or two. Sixteen lines is butter on the bagel.
Stuck to this chair, must've been weeks since I've seen my family,
I dream about calamity, open my eyes every time he swings angrily.
First it was a ransom, now it seems random, this freak keeps panicking,
physically damaging but it's the psychology I've become weak at managing.
He sits in front of me, smiling like we're best friends or maybe lovers,
crazy fucker has pictures of my kids, saying their names with that lazy stutter.
Through broken ribs and hopeless hints, I keep thinking of their amazing mother,
how she opens her eyes like a golden surprise while we're tasting each other.
He ruins it with a musical cringe, nails on chalkboards as he tries to sing,
he cries and screams, flailing an axe around while I fight to breathe.
Unaware, I've loosened the restraints and await my time to flee,
though part of me honestly wants to stick a knife into his spine and cleave.
That's when the chair breaks, he spins around like a bear enraged,
I'm not quick enough getting up, I spit blood as my tongue's tearing away.
Smitten by this clown, but then I notice his hair and I cave,
I've officially lost, he kicks me when I'm down just by wearing her face.
16 @Emeritus good luck
Visuals of footprints on clothing leave horrific memories
Suffering concusions i felt was their expression of balled up energy
Really never had a tendency to randonmly block my face
Their was no embrace in the adjusting of a pantleg and tightened shoelace
All i had was gods grace looking up upon the ceiling while on my back
Wondering how the fuck could they manufacture a steeltoe with so much impact?
Why attempt to take something we lack? i need to know the honest truth!
I could cry puddles on the ground, that doesnt help cuz those boots are waterproof
Left with broken ribs in lifes commute, a cracked vertabrae i hope thatll guide me through this route
Defenseless as i see hands signaling in a good job salute, blood tripping from timberlands forming a tree symbol now voices in my head speak i am groot
I couldnt be more absolute i thought the concrete had its appeal
I was never able to stand up on it only something my face would normally feel
The only pure sole was connected at the bottom of the heel there was no reflection from the asphalts gleam
I could die in these lucid dreams and theyll probably use my flesh for the sneaker stitching n seams
What about giving me the chance to get up n redeem my strength
Be the fucking man you claim to be, let me stand up then we can go the extra length
Stop Kicking me When Im Down!
Links
http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthre...Open-For-Votes
Boyznblack VS B Dot
http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthre...PEN-FOR-VOTES)
OG Maestro VS Dzaster
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@Art. Open for votes my man
Links:
Lesnar vs BNB
Maestro vs Poeta
E: dope piece... started out shakey to be honest i didn't like how that first line read at all... i had to re read it a few times to really find it... but after those first 2 lines i thought you settled in pretty well.. creative story with the whole torture aspect of it... vivid description of scenery and chaos.. flowed well throughout along with inners and outer rhyme schemes.. not much to say 16 lines is short for a topical i feel but whatever nowadays no one is reading a 32.. well put together all around nice drop.
joe- suprised me man.. don't remember you on the topical scene at all but this wasn't a bad read... i thought this was enjoyable... the schemes weren't there, seemed a little lacking the story was entertaining... i think it just lacked some technical stuff ... some lines were a little stretched and threw the flow off of things. some words used coulda have been other in the vocabulary sense.. but this was cool... i actually read your verse first before even looking at the topic... and at first i thought you were writing about concussions in football until i got a little deeper into it and you started talking about boots... after the fact i scrolled up and saw the topic and it made more sense..lol nice drop..
all in all i think E had the better verse overall.. schemes flow story telling... i felt joe was just had the lesser verse.
May we get some votes
John: I really liked the intricate rhyme schemes you implemented and felt that it rarely became choppy or distorted by syllabically unpleasing word selections. I enjoyed the intensity of scene you crafted, as well as found pleasant surprise in the amount of tension you created with such an unforgiving line limit. In this sense I feel you used what little time you had to convey a strong image and engage your reader. I found the take on the topic predictable, but I don't really think that's a bad thing to be honest. It's a fairly graphic photo, but I feel possibly you could have dug deeper into the back story of the characters, in particular the protagonist of course, where as I'm fine with the antagonist to remain aloof for the most part. Overall really nice. Strong and confident, a good start to any piece of writing.
Joe: I feel like this is more a list of statements. As though you kind of tried to write a battle rap without punches. Also a lot of the lines were pretty stretched and felt forced rhythmically. I really think you need to work on some fundamentals of structure and understanding what form you're writing in and what is and isn't appropriate within a given form. I'm sure you're a good text battler, but topical doesn't seem to be your niche.
Vote: John pretty easily.
I was going to vote on this but I'm pretty sure that as one of the competitors has been banned he loses?
That's how it used to be back in the day?
So yea, you both have a decent story telling ability that carried over well into this topical battle. Villain with the more well worded and Joe with the better conceptual verse of the too. In terms of imagery, Emeritus captured more of the reader's attention with a more concise tale from start to finish while Boston would edge it out by bar with some ideas that had lots of potential to be heavy hitting. The vocabulary and emotion in E's verse seemed to outshine the attempted haymakers and one liners in J's which left me as a voter side with him in terms of a victory because it was a clearer read that felt more smooth and consistent than his opponents. I don't read many topicals but this one had an intriguing feel from title to delivery, especially if there were any truths in these rhymes, big ups to both y'all for dropping something unique in FL, keep at it.
V/ Villain
Vote/Joe for not being banned.
For what?Quote:
Originally Posted by Messiah.
Lol wait why isn’t he bannedQuote:
Originally Posted by Kill Spree
Is*
3-0 Joe loses battle been open forever and no ones going to vote on it