Quote:
each rose, gets watered because the skies
felt generous that day.
Quote:
fossilized venom that spews
hatred that reigns in a world of broken lullabies.
Quote:
and we're left
to find meaning in hollow tree stumps
where sap used to freely flow.
Quote:
what i'm saying is-
things change, the gray clouds
always leave. and all that's left
is empty eyes, and withered shrouds
of dignity.
Quote:
in the end, we're all replaceable
and the stumps that we carved our
initials into- will surely be cut down.
and in it's place
will sprout another life, one worth keeping alive.
one worth more than mine.
Damn, I think I may have nearly quoted the whole thing.
Firstly, your structure is interesting here. Most of us would leave the rhymes at the end,
but you're able to follow through and continue the story and let the rhyme do its thing, middle of the next sentence,
beginning of the next line, what not, you're able to do what you want, and you get away with it. Bit annoying really lol.
Then there's the air these words breath. They seemed to be so elegantly placed, they float.
A testament to the atmosphere you've built with imagery and tone backing it up.
I like that you've got a bit of rhyme, but its not possessed by it.
I like the free speech aspect, tipsy with a tad of rhyme for the sake of stunning sound.
I also like the oppositional wording going on. The emotional factor. The way you cut me up with those last words. The pessimism.
The way you talk about nature and mix and mingle emotions in between, weaving elements of loss and, before you know it, a new beginning is born.
I really like this.
I like its rawness, its honesty, it's vulnerability.
Vulnerability is so damn sexy.
I like it.
Top Read.
Thank you Jukon.
