Feedback cypher

Ever wanted an opinion on your incomplete pieces or work in progress but didn't have a place to ask? Well look no further. Any form, from poetry to disses, om's to potential lyrics...drop 'em here and maybe we'll tell you what we think.

Guidelines:

- No line minimums or maximums, but be reasonable and give us something to work with...i.e. avoid dropping single lines.

- Feedback is not required but encouraged! We can't force anyone to reply to your stuff nor are they obligated, still if you're posting in this thread by mindful of the agenda.

- If you choose to leave feedback, please use the quote feature to avoid confusion.

- Be constructive. Any hate, trolling, or back and forth arguing won't be tolerated and will be deleted at my discretion

this was a song i was gonna try...idk i got uninspired...let me know if its good or not...btw ill def be in here ALOT so feel free to drop ur shit as well for FEEDBACK!

OFF TRACK (ST by beats planet) (bad?)

(premaid hook)

im feelin off track, chillin at tha trap
dealin out tha crack, pillin on a stack
realest on tha rap, so they give love back
lying over beats? im not one who does that

sharp as a thumb tac, but i cant focus
not when tha worst are tha ones gettin promoted
its just how i wrote it, i keep my mind open
but these rappers are lame, how did they get voted?

mayb with all tha lines they quoted, n all tha dick they throated
its no wonder that they floated, to tha top, on some hoe shit
but hey, "hes tha dopest!", ok dully noted
wait that cant be right, oh its connoted

no i was jokin, i control em, like a remote
write lines fast like my mind, was a speed boat
hit hard like a keynote, off track but i de-vote
all my time to perfectin my art, til im the-GOAT

(hook)

im off track, now its like im lost
gettin rich is expensive, n i didnt know tha cost
my mind is in a fog, i cant see clearly
rap is gettin worse, n i see this yearly

watch em dance, n do their lil gay thing
that tha other retards just love imiating
im just sayin, yo dude where is ya skill at?
did u leave it back at ya boyfriends house where u chill at?

dude bring tha real back, n write some real lines
i hang with real cats, cuz my hood really feels mine
n i fill minds, with metaphors n dope vocab
all u do write a hook, that we laugh at

ur muziks better off in a trash bag, n i mean that
talkin bout weed n cash, but u cant show me where tha green at?
they say im dope n crazy, or somwhere inbewteen that
but im off, like a broken scale, but i cant balance me back

(hook)

yeah DOPE or NOPE? let me know...

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by ThaKING.

this was a song i was gonna try...idk i got uninspired...let me know if its good or not...btw ill def be in here ALOT so feel free to drop ur shit as well for FEEDBACK!

OFF TRACK (ST by beats planet) (bad?)

(premaid hook)

im feelin off track, chillin at tha trap
dealin out tha crack, pillin on a stack
realest on tha rap, so they give love back
lying over beats? im not one who does that

sharp as a thumb tac, but i cant focus
not when tha worst are tha ones gettin promoted
its just how i wrote it, i keep my mind open
but these rappers are lame, how did they get voted?

mayb with all tha lines they quoted, n all tha dick they throated
its no wonder that they floated, to tha top, on some hoe shit
but hey, "hes tha dopest!", ok dully noted
wait that cant be right, oh its connoted

no i was jokin, i control em, like a remote
write lines fast like my mind, was a speed boat
hit hard like a keynote, off track but i de-vote
all my time to perfectin my art, til im the-GOAT

(hook)

im off track, now its like im lost
gettin rich is expensive, n i didnt know tha cost
my mind is in a fog, i cant see clearly
rap is gettin worse, n i see this yearly

watch em dance, n do their lil gay thing
that tha other retards just love imiating
im just sayin, yo dude where is ya skill at?
did u leave it back at ya boyfriends house where u chill at?

dude bring tha real back, n write some real lines
i hang with real cats, cuz my hood really feels mine
n i fill minds, with metaphors n dope vocab
all u do write a hook, that we laugh at

ur muziks better off in a trash bag, n i mean that
talkin bout weed n cash, but u cant show me where tha green at?
they say im dope n crazy, or somwhere inbewteen that
but im off, like a broken scale, but i cant balance me back

(hook)

yeah DOPE or NOPE? let me know...

---

Yeah, I would finish this up cuz I like it. Especially the first 3 paragraphs.

Dope

Quote:

---

im feelin off track, chillin at tha trap
dealin out tha crack, pillin on a stack
realest on tha rap, so they give love back
lying over beats? im not one who does that

sharp as a thumb tac, but i cant focus
not when tha worst are tha ones gettin promoted
its just how i wrote it, i keep my mind open
but these rappers are lame, how did they get voted?

mayb with all tha lines they quoted, n all tha dick they throated
its no wonder that they floated, to tha top, on some hoe shit
but hey, "hes tha dopest!", ok dully noted
wait that cant be right, oh its connoted

no i was jokin, i control em, like a remote
write lines fast like my mind, was a speed boat
hit hard like a keynote, off track but i de-vote
all my time to perfectin my art, til im the-GOAT

---

Dont change a thing but a word here and there to fit beat.

Quote:

---

im off track, now its like im lost
gettin rich is expensive, n i didnt know tha cost
my mind is in a fog, i cant see clearly
rap is gettin worse, n i see this yearly

---

good good but on this next bar the punch was in need of help

Quote:

---

watch em dance, n do their lil gay thing
that tha other retards just love imiating
im just sayin, yo dude where is ya skill at?
did u leave it back at ya boyfriends house where u chill at?

---

maybe last line could be redone?

here ya flow again

Quote:

---

dude bring tha real back, n write some real lines
i hang with real cats, cuz my hood really feels mine
n i fill minds, with metaphors n dope vocab
all u do write a hook, that we laugh at

---

then the last bar why did ya play your self down. Your insight is right on topic and true. Why throw that in it dosent even fit.

Quote:

---

ur muziks better off in a trash bag, n i mean that
talkin bout weed n cash, but u cant show me where tha green at?
they say im dope n crazy, or somwhere inbewteen that
but im off, like a broken scale, but i cant balance me back

---

lol thanx for all tha feedback...this palce is great for drops ur UNSURE OF...ill feedback whatever is dropped in here...

ok old song...wrote it...never sent anywhere with it...a lil feed back bout if i should make it or not wud be nice...thanx guys


I AINT LEAVING (ST by superstar0, insane guitar, n fun flow) (comeback)

(premade hook)

hell nah i aint leavin, dude i just got here
thats like me leavin right when they begin to cheer
n thats stupid, like me but boy i go hard
sorta like viagra, that was taken by a retard

im late to tha party, but i sure aint leavin
cuz i aint even, started yet, but they all screamin
yo KING mayn, give us some of that heat mayn
ok but u might wanna coat, cuz my flow is freezin

its like this evry weekend, anywhere im chillin
i got fans that keep me cold, strangers or siblin
i keep em beats sizzlin, keep em all listenin
n im always winnin, like white boys do when they swimmin

i bring home tha gold, n make my town proud
n im rollin hard bangin, like its a thunder cloud
rockin my guitar solos loud, home boy im with it
n i aint leavin for shit, cuz i just got up in it

(hook)

i came up from tha bottom, n all tha way to tha top
i can make ur heart stop, with any muzik that i drop
yall just watch, im bout a few months off
from movin from tha ground up to a downtown loft

my shit is never soft, i eat too much cheeze
n my flow is so sick, that itll make u sneeze
oh please, its a disease, like smokin trees
u know u shudnt, becuz u cant have it in ur pee

or u wont get tha job, that u really do need
but u still do it, cuz u really love weed
n u really love me, white boy n a white tee
white hat, white kicks, n they not nike

nah not jeezy, but ya boy be young
24 but still, trappin just for fun
yo i aint leavin, i gonna have to kick me out
but im tha number one supplier in this muzikal drought

(hook)

DOPE OR NOPE?!

also shud i do a third verse?!

cheif cheif i blowed bonkers fer the longest, but dont fuckin ask me how cuz now now i can slit god riffs, atleast shit thats like what the fuck kid, i see most people dont even know about life and are jist tryin to write sum others are gonna like, n e wayz i tried and and i tried and i tried to realize ways to cum up wit amazing shit, crazy ass em shit, first things first aint nobody nobody better at anything than you, expecially when it comes to words, i can say that i'm the illest cuz i have come up wit ideas about life and how to be and how errbody sheep, doing what their told with out ever gettin the chance to realize thier alive thier priceless life shouldnt exist ur gonna tell me a clump of dirt formed and where just floatin in circles in a never ending outerspace, comon comon comon duh what the fuck is that it's impossible and if it isnt then what created it/ what created that that created the ability 4 me to be, its impossible to take nothing and make somehing right? guess not cuz here we are. how did one grain of sand just pop out of no where and say ok i'm here now what oh i know i'll evolve in 2 a organism with a brain. its impossile to exist its impossible to exist it's impossible for anything to exist its impossible for anything to exist its impossible for anything to exist its impossible for anything to exist its impossible for anything to exist its impossile for any thing to exist .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. ..........its impossible for anything to exist, plain and simple, yet i have my hands legs to walk a body that can live for a hundo years i can make noises to symbolize meaning, eyes to see what i'm doing see beauty, noise to smell any and everything, tounge that has taste and flavor i can have sex and it feels great like my whole body flutters, and rag nabit i can mufuckin hear damn bullshit to dude, wowy and my incomprehensibley mind blowing mind it can figure out equations make humor minipulate it can cry it can make creativity it can hold on to lots of information for me, i dont tell it to do that i was made in to a machine that does that for me, now when have u ever learned stuff like this, u havent prolly, this cultre is set up to take your most precious shoutldnt exist being that you are and turn u into their little perfect dumbox consumer, its like the world was flat after all huh, who cares if it is i want to feel happy and know the truth, this america puts holes in u takes your freedom away, people dont no whats going on. its full of booby traps jo real talk. sucking u in to never realizing your a fucking blessing your a blessing you meen a lot to me if we taught this at a early age earth could be tons of fun, can u imagine having brilliant creativity skills,,, u can,, . . . . .



n e ways whatws this got to do with anything umm

everything nothing everything

when i write a rap rap a Rhyme i think of som=ething weird impossible

heres something i wish i would do more often for practice, just write a coulple of words like who cares just summ... ... . . . i smell a hater, i smell a piano gettin dropped off that loft u was talkin about in to a haters hed, (lol everyones runin round sayin thier the shit hatin on other people sayin thier wak . thats stupid, if we would forget about winning stop smack yakin at people cuz we think thier dumb or something we should be giving them advice cuz thats a life would you want peeps to piss on you for living the best you knew how, no, but if we do guess what u hatin didnt do shit except aggrivate and close them off to having fun in life and helping this world be a better one right),,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,


n e wayz try this fer ur rymes . . . u gotta start sum where u just cant gop strait to spitten like pac of the dot,


try this... moon cycles running naked why cuz the altinator was a half inch from a yolk fuck folks they dont know, i'm skinny weenr troll that yaps smack bout himself like a chimney cuz he's crippled by the mundane, the sun wears HYPER EUPHORIC block, ninja quails n what not, please just give it a squeeze even if its seems goony, give it a shot their might be sum unique hiddin in that their mind waddling jello blob that nobody wants, have a peice wit me, u ryme right hello, ur 25 give it a try little big guy, em said it best you dont even know what dope is, so i saddle down wit imperfececction till i imperfect every last right mistake, then i'll be like suprise goose egg hunting wasnt e z but mellons cut my nobel prize in to peices , now i can abliterate this so called happy place i mean reality push it back like u dont want none of me.

hell nah i aint leavin, dude i just got here) (u wrote)

u can either take (what rymes wit Here) oh a beer does how can i relate a beer to what i'm trying to say but i hate doing that cuz it takes away frome what i'm trying to say ( gives me less room to say something cooler)

beer though hmm,,,,,, beer just got here i am a beer hava beer wit me can a whoop ass , aint even old enough to drink beer, beer bbeer beer, i throw u off balance like chuggin a case a beer, my life is made out of cans of beer, knockin mofos out wit 40's a beer,


i aint goin nowhere i just got here
(i could say )
i feel ya but yo bro go fetch me beer
( or i could say)
(its easier to say sum from the hot then make end ryme)

i aint goin no where yall hell naw fuck off i just got here
i"ll put the world ina wheel chair n shove it down sum stairs

idk maghn rap 4 u, dont try to impress the ignorant

heres a band i thought was raw, Rhyme assylum, look em up

you can find me at walmart wit a full cart wit anything from prime rib to a poptart i get up front and pull out that platic its fantastic i have it it that foodstamp card my baby momma got medicade and wic cus i have a job that dont pay shit and iv already faced it thats js how we have to make it livin life so basic u rich fucks need to face it ur hole fuckin life is wasted all that money you cant take it wit u when u go o u know ima stay FOODSTAMP RICH....ITS THAT FOODSTAMP SHIT.....I GET FOOD STAMPS BITCH.......FOOSTAMP RICH

Doing a Bonnie and Clyde scheme

I'm an angry person
I'm spitting hitting bitches and cursin
I'm ready for death I've died twice so i'll just be rehearsing
My girl is my other wife from another life
a dwarf another little angry person
she'll be the first in
to kick it.. yer shin
steal your purse n
it don't stop their the plot it worsens
her endorphins kick in
her face changes to an evil shit grin
n by then dam its to late then your already shit kicked in
your new to them like aluminum
your just a new kicked can
your stick ball when shes moving in
and my prediction man now
I'm spitten spit balling
your shit she's spit ballen
nuts your balls dam look what the whore did recalling
she will leave you aborted
an press play after it's been recorded
rip you outta your mom before she gave birth
before your birthday is even recorded
your fetus will be hocked pawned and reported
but Bonnie and Clyde will be off getting off on the coroner
she will cut your nut sack off and tell you to cough
and drop your dick in a corner
cause little pricks like you don't get her off
all they do is get run straight through they bore her
then she gotta kill ya and run straight for the border
A tommy gun left you lay flat your a morder
another unsolved x file from N.Y. to D.C.
carved initial left B.C. they called it a Moider

GODLY BARS

Every beat is an empty canvas and theres a billion ways to paint it
I cant decide on one design and thats the cause of my mental anguish
Im tryin to break through this barrier but they act like i speak a different language
Its simple, im sayin, the church is with us, not with the temple sages

as i pencil pages, i understand why they are cynical
Theres no subtext to these subjects, i give it to em liminal
To those who cloud the truth, yall are despicable
But satan has no new tricks, so his deception is typical

I work it out like an elliptical, but i dont sweat the small stuff
So when they say their runnin game, i just think they all suck
Im not in your circle of friends, im a goose and yall ducks
satans plan is like obamas, nothings changed, and now were all fucked

The government is gettin dolled up, the toy soldiers are all in a line
NSA gathers information, spyin on some friends of mine
Guns and ammo are gettin bought up, we need to prepare in this time
Cuz a war is coming, revolution, now its time to pick a side

v2

i gotta thick stack of paper in my pocket, thats my bible
That thing slung over my left shoulder, thats my rifle
Im doing work, tryin to free my ppl like moses, thats my rival
My father in heaven with His unfathomable love, thats my idol

Dont believe in Him, thats denial, and i aint talkin bout the one in Egypt
His grace is in all things, how can u not fuckin see it?
its not like its a secret, im sure in ur region, theres a precept
but ay im waitin on my Father, and im never bowing to any regent

oh sweet Jesus, just pulled another batch of bars out the oven
nothing but sick verses, that could easily give SARS to ur cuzzin
and i bake em by the dozen, i work magic with my words, fuck a coven
ay u lil sloven, dont push my button, cuz i tend to jump the gun like a russian

im super bad, call me Mc-Lovin, i just hope GOD thinks im good enough
im down to die at anytime, not kenny, but i always stay hooded up
who wants what? im I.B.S. bout gettin money, i cudnt give a shit about it
but not having my Creators love, how could i ever truly live without it

Quote:

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Originally Posted by fuctup

you can find me at walmart wit a full cart wit anything from prime rib to a poptart i get up front and pull out that platic its fantastic i have it it that foodstamp card my baby momma got medicade and wic cus i have a job that dont pay shit and iv already faced it thats js how we have to make it livin life so basic u rich fucks need to face it ur hole fuckin life is wasted all that money you cant take it wit u when u go o u know ima stay FOODSTAMP RICH....ITS THAT FOODSTAMP SHIT.....I GET FOOD STAMPS BITCH.......FOOSTAMP RICH

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I actually lol'd.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by fuctup

you can find me at walmart wit a full cart wit anything from prime rib to a poptart i get up front and pull out that platic its fantastic i have it it that foodstamp card my baby momma got medicade and wic cus i have a job that dont pay shit and iv already faced it thats js how we have to make it livin life so basic u rich fucks need to face it ur hole fuckin life is wasted all that money you cant take it wit u when u go o u know ima stay FOODSTAMP RICH....ITS THAT FOODSTAMP SHIT.....I GET FOOD STAMPS BITCH.......FOOSTAMP RICH

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vote - legends