Penny for my Thoughts

Penny for my Thoughts

Dyl- Verse 1 & 2
Pakaveli- Verse 3 & 4

http://www.tribuneindia.com/2005/20050507/ldh8.jpg

Desperation burns in Mary's eyes, as she lets go of an unheard cry
She sits on a cobbled street hungry, with a mouth hot and dry
Black pawed hands and scars from a lifetime of poverty
Passers by ignore her broken cries due to their idiocy
"Throw a penny to the beggar”, as she sits in a corner half dead
Day after day slowly fading away, her life is left on a thin thread
Every day half a dollar that constitutes her annual salary,
Perhaps enough to buy a grain of rice and put on half a calorie,
Soon a walking skeleton will be created and slowly evaporated
And her painful journey of hope will come to an end and slated
Her poor soul destroyed and no one to pick up the pieces
As her body rots on a side alley from numerous amount of diseases

Everybody needs somebody to lean on.......

Ruthless people beat her and steal all the money she has left
Leave her black and blue, and have her staring in the eyes of death
She dies with unwanted thoughts as they now fly through her head
Watching her kids die from starvation, wishing god would take her instead
Burying them in a farmers field with a handmade cross and their names
She cried like a weeping widow as she could not hide the shame,
Of not being able to give her children the complete benefits of life
They had not one penny in their pockets to help them stay alive
But who was there to help her, with the nasty up hill struggle?
Who was there when her children died, to comfort her troubles?
Nobody, as she is left in peace and never to be found
Where her body fades ever deeper into the warm soft ground

Help The Unfortunate....

Withered water stones provide water to the neglected needy
Gangling appearance of shackling bones & eyes all beady
The lime scale clouds enter the pitiful throngs of thirsty throats
Whilst the wealthy pour wealth, buy properties and greedily gloat
The negligence of a few resulted in the majority impoverished state
The immortal unseen apartheid represents the modern segregate
Animate the motion image of a child whose belly is filled with pain
Captured images made to entertain the incipient masses who attain
The fruit to quench their thirst, whilst the children of the land go bland
Grand jury convicts them of becoming a black blot on the clean stand
Walk away hand in hand from the crime scene, please empathize
Realise that whom you ignore are the result of the materialistic lies

“Don’t change the world, change your views”

Peace in the world is only possible by having peace in the streets
Bodily heat is the method of warmth, penny for the poor is a big feat
The snow sheets the grit blanketed pavements and chills their bones
They watch through rags whilst the pious policeman drags the clones
Carbon images of each other in our eyes they are the one the same
Lame and pathetic wanted us to sympathise for their personal gain
So we deplore the poor ignore their chores to stay alive everyday
“Hey Mom there’s a poor man” “John forget it, don’t look that way”

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=303969

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...84#post4816184

this was really good. i liked both writers on this. and it made for a beautiful collab.

Dyl - you came really well on this. the description was used perfectly, i had the whole story completely mapped in my dome piece. the rhymescheme although simple, fit the pieces emotion an sympthetic views. the flow was on point for both parts. i liked the picture an the vibes you were able to feed from its portrait. overall i really liked your part, out of ten i would give you around a 9-9.5 ish. there only minor flaws in this, that my eye had trouble pickin out. but i still loved it.

Pak - you cease to amaze me ahaha. the emotion you put forth and the message was simply beautiful..the rhymescheme also simple, again, was very tight due to the emotion put in this. the overall structure for both pieces were even and kept straight consistently. the flow was tight i think it could have been worked with a little bit. but for a topic like this it was kept on point. the vocabulary was perfect, it wasnt overused with big descriptive detailing words that make it hard for the reader to follow but it was still really good. overeall out of ten again same with Dyl, i will give you around a 9 to a 9.5 area.

really good piece here both of you. overall collab was extremely tight. the topic was well thought out and then executed well. overall out of 10 for the collab, around a 9.5 to a ten.

-Peace

yea sum nice flow ideas starting off with dyl. just maybe a syllable or 2 out on acouple of lines. certain minor ish. but came thru strong still. and talking that sense that a lotta people Don't do. so that's 1......yeah flow goes strong and fluently is the imagery grafted as the tale flips. .some rhymes could of been a lil more adventurous in the crafting . but others was coo still on the 1 and vocab seemed to be used well. and had plenty of forward movement...


on the pak ish. was delivered well. i see yo flow gettin titer each time u drop. so keep that up. coz ish b working out nice. always u jump in to deal with a few deep thoiughts........... rhymes seemed a lil simpliofied. even predictable in the 2nd lil joint.
tho inside the lines was good. ending. was lil uhm! almost cool. but something misguiding going on


was a tite drop still. i diddnt know dyl cud drop like that.
.
check out this when u got time

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=304790

Appreciate both comments thanks, ayo vortex i checked ya linkage na mean

^^^

Thank you for commemts people.Vortex i'll hit that link up later ;)

DYL- Ok. From your part, it was ok, I'm sorry but it didn't really grasp me as a reader. Your imagination was there, very well discriptive, not fully though, I see what your saying though, The emotion was very much powerfull you shut it down in that category, but its your approach that made me lose interest in your piece and your wording, it seem so basic, "She cries like a weeping widow", thats a ok metaphor its just didn't appeal to me that very Much, Its the word choices in your parts thats' losing it interest, (in my opinion) as a reader. Ok drop By DYL kinda disappointed though.


Pak- Ok. This was a nice drop in your part, I like your word usage, the imagination was coo, the flow was readable, it felt so intense in your part that really brung this collab out its best features. The emotion was there, you did a good job with that, almost complex but it got through, Nice job on your part.


Conclusion- This was collab was good, need a few here and theres adjust ya know but this collab turn out to be good. Great Job guys, keep writing.

thanks appreciate the comments.

Good piece, guys, I enjoyed how you guys collabed this and decided on a topic and really developed it. I've read a lot about helping the poor, mind you, and this really is not much different or over the top, but it is still solid. pak, I liked the flow of yours a little bet better than the way Dyl approached his verse, but honestly, I think a few internal rhyme schemes could really have helped this piece to flourish, but it left as an all-too simple ABAB throughout and pretty much never gets inventive as far as the rhymescheme goes, but you do manage to keep your syllable counts even enough consistently to deliver this piece in a rhythmic manner.

I, of course, am a stickler for internals and use them to the point of incredible excess in my own pieces, so knowing you could care less for them, you probably could just as soon disregard my wanting you to use them. LoL. I just think they make lyrics sound so much better and more fluid. Pieces like this tend to take on more of a poetry feel, rather than being able to sing out loud as a song.

The topic was well presented by you both, I did enjoy the emotion you conveyed about the mother who had to bury her children because she didn't have the money to feed them. This is good work, a solid collab, I just am not prepared to call it "Fire."

I rarely really love much of anything, though, even from you Pak, and I think you're one of the better writers on this site. Keep on bringin' em, and I implore you to try and change your language to incorporate a more fluid scheme for your next OM, I really wanna see how you would approach a style of writing more like mine. Maybe I'll keep my next one really simple on the rhymes and just tell a story? I have written a book, you know, I don't just write lyrics. I'm capable of some metaphors =D.

Lol, appreciate your comments and yeah i'll write my next one with more multiples/inners and all..Thanks for the pointers, it's appreciated.

^^^

that was deep kid i really like ur style

there were 2 people in thi =/