Verse To Member - FeedBack.
This is a thread in which you can post Old/New verses for other member's of the crew to give feedback on.
And since this is a elvational crew/ this would give members more of an advantage who want to elevate.
So...
Start posting your Verses and let the critisicm come.:2thumb:
Also opening a "FeedBack Panel" It's similar to the voting panel on FL but this just concetrates on this "crew" area of the threads and most particular on the Feedback verses,
Just tell me in a "PM" or in the Meta Convicts "Chat." and if anyone drops a verse in here you can help them :)
Thanks
-Official.
Re: Verse To Member - FeedBack.
I like it. I think its suited i go first with my latest piece for a battle...
Blank Thoughts.
Parchment and Quill, fulfill his skill and thrill his brain- until
a shedding of strain- shackles him in chains and drains his
ability to keep the agility of his writing utility; his capability
to pen push that mental rush; the hoax that coaxs his brain
to extract; those phenomenol facts which are failing to attract
the pen to the paper as it dribs and drabs; tosses and tapers
to the point where he disapoints his wrist joint and scribbles
a complete naught , sighs in stress for he fires blank thoughts.
Re: Verse To Member - FeedBack.
Quote:
Originally Posted by
Messiah.
I like it. I think its suited i go first with my latest piece for a battle...
Blank Thoughts.
Parchment and Quill, fulfill his skill and thrill his brain- until
a shedding of strain- shackles him in chains and drains his
ability to keep the agility of his writing utility; his capability
to pen push that mental rush; the hoax that coaxs his brain
to extract; those phenomenol facts which are failing to attract
the pen to the paper as it dribs and drabs; tosses and tapers
to the point where he disapoints his wrist joint and scribbles
a complete naught , sighs in stress for he fires blank thoughts.
I liked these peice, i thought it had a "unique" touch to it,
I especially liked how you used your multis and then connected the first line to match the line under that, i think writing in that way is very useful as it helps the verse stay at an easy read level.
Your multi's were excellent, you kicked simplicity's arse by using longer more interesting words,
You flow was onpoint and your structure was awesome to bring this verse to a "EXCELLENT" read,
very well done.:2thumb:
-Official
Re: Verse To Member - FeedBack.
Re: Verse To Member - FeedBack.
a poem im dropping soon lol..
Insecure Wonders are Flagrant,
So Foul the Intentions ,
Vacant the mind is ideas illuminant,
Bright as Hydro Blue my eyes see,
My insecurities beg my will to leave,
Scarce is the direction my feelings feel,
Feeling this way I should be ashamed,
Friction anger is taking form Framed,
Stillness in Picture my features stay,
You can still see my insecurities lay,
I’m obese, near sighted, Slim I hate my Face…
Disgraced I am but im loved by my creators,
Mother’s.. Father’s..
I beg your forgiveness,
I feel as a vector as an outsider..
Insecurities jail me leprosy ,
For ever I am… Insecure,
For ever I am insecure….
Not done yet lmao
Re: Verse To Member - FeedBack.
Quote:
Originally Posted by
Lauryn
Insecure Wonders are Flagrant,
So Foul the Intentions ,
Vacant the mind is ideas illuminant,
Bright as Hydro Blue my eyes see,
My insecurities beg my will to leave,
Scarce is the direction my feelings feel,
Feeling this way I should be ashamed,
Friction anger is taking form Framed,
Stillness in Picture my features stay,
You can still see my insecurities lay,
I’m obese, near sighted, Slim I hate my Face…
Disgraced I am but im loved by my creators,
Mother’s.. Father’s..
I beg your forgiveness,
I feel as a vector as an outsider..
Insecurities jail me leprosy ,
For ever I am… Insecure,
For ever I am insecure….
I thought this poem was a real good peice, i don't really do poetical pieces myself, but i know a good poem when i see one and yours Laurn was a really thought out piece of writing.
Your metaphors was "HOT" your desription was an absoloute magic trick ;)
I think in some places it seemed off flow because of those very few stretched lines towards the centre - ( but then again i don't write much poetical pieces,)
Altogether very well written and thought about peice...
EXCELLENT :2thumb: "Keep Em' Coming!"
-Official.
Re: Verse To Member - FeedBack.
Re: Verse To Member - FeedBack.
Re: Verse To Member - FeedBack.
Victims visions harassing their dreams of life changin moments
Dimming precision gasping of screams of tomorrow opponents
Nightmares come clear once eyes shutter to close
Bare happiness near while memories clutter from ghost
Bad experience eatin his soul away he starts to decay
Tired or meetin death,his eyes slowly betray
What once was real he's losin all sense of touch
Graspin the feel, eyes shut stayin awake is no longer a crutch
Re: Verse To Member - FeedBack.
Quote:
Originally Posted by
Bstill
Victims visions harassing their dreams of life changin moments
Dimming precision gasping of screams of tomorrow opponents
Nightmares come clear once eyes shutter to close
Bare happiness near while memories clutter from ghost
Bad experience eatin his soul away he starts to decay
Tired or meetin death,his eyes slowly betray
What once was real he's losin all sense of touch
Graspin the feel, eyes shut stayin awake is no longer a crutch
This verse really reached out to me,
I got the storyline very well you explained the story very well aswell,
your multis was on point your flow was also onpoint leading a good read,
your structure was wisely represented aswell, although i would of liked to have seen somewhat better description details, too make this excellent peice to a beyond dope peice,
Great Read...Keep Em' Coming Biatch ;):2thumb:
-Official.
Re: Verse To Member - FeedBack.
Quote:
Originally Posted by
Messiah.
I like it. I think its suited i go first with my latest piece for a battle...
Blank Thoughts.
Parchment and Quill, fulfill his skill and thrill his brain- until
a shedding of strain- shackles him in chains and drains his
ability to keep the agility of his writing utility; his capability
to pen push that mental rush; the hoax that coaxs his brain
to extract; those phenomenol facts which are failing to attract
the pen to the paper as it dribs and drabs; tosses and tapers
to the point where he disapoints his wrist joint and scribbles
a complete naught , sighs in stress for he fires blank thoughts.
umm this is an interesting verse, one thing i didnt like was the overuse off multies, its like your forcing your rhymes too make a rhyme...you've got a similar style to baron which only a few people really understand and that is what drew me into your piece because i understood it straight away without reading it twice.....the imagery was dope in this verse, as a reader it got me into the piece.....anyways this was good piece
Re: Verse To Member - FeedBack.
Quote:
Originally Posted by
Official.
I thought this poem was a real good peice, i don't really do poetical pieces myself, but i know a good poem when i see one and yours Laurn was a really thought out piece of writing.
Your metaphors was "HOT" your desription was an absoloute magic trick ;)
I think in some places it seemed off flow because of those very few stretched lines towards the centre - ( but then again i don't write much poetical pieces,)
Altogether very well written and thought about peice...
EXCELLENT :2thumb: "Keep Em' Coming!"
-Official.
Lmao!! You're puttin your name at the end of your posts now? ROFL, looks like someone looks up to his role model Common
(towards common: just sayin u cause u put your "-soule" at the end and this bitch I'd tryna copy u lmao)
Re: Verse To Member - FeedBack.
this is an OM piece i got,its not completely slept on but its not boomin with thoughts and critique.
Plastic Surgery Perjury
im lookin in this mirror to get a better look
but the clearer vision i see's gotten me shook
theres no book on how to look attractive
theres just name callin,drugs and a mattress
plastic surgery to beautify the ugly actress
but for the poor unfortunate were stuck
the only looks ive ever gotten are of disgust
tired of dirty highs and pity fucks and no luck
heres a dick to suck for you pretty mannequins
collagen got your lips stuck,use your hands again
the stains im standin in have colored my shadows
fake people waitin for face lifts in the gallows
your so shallow so now approach the guillotine
you can change your face but not full fill your dreams
so keep makin your teeth straight and tits bigger
while girls with no plastic always get my dick bigger
and your false attempts have left it low and flacid
after surgery your face distorts like most on acid
what would make you wanna change your appearance
skinny people brave the wind and fat ones need clearance.
after plastic surgery and the worries its seems fine
youve hurried to get a flurry of stitches and lines
people lookin like they were illustrated and drawn
too many idiots got me filled with hatred and gone
just a pawn on a chess board with no other pieces
spoiled brats get this and that taught to be leeches
no preachers or priests could pray to fix the pieces
our prayers have fell on deaf ears and its no surprise
but our fuck ups have been seen by anxious eyes
i despise what our society has become,a loaded gun
given to a baby with a strong hand and hopin for fun.
Re: Verse To Member - FeedBack.
Quote:
Originally Posted by
.TreaZoN.
this is an OM piece i got,its not completely slept on but its not boomin with thoughts and critique.
Plastic Surgery Perjury
im lookin in this mirror to get a better look
but the clearer vision i see's gotten me shook
theres no book on how to look attractive
theres just name callin,drugs and a mattress
plastic surgery to beautify the ugly actress
but for the poor unfortunate were stuck
the only looks ive ever gotten are of disgust
tired of dirty highs and pity fucks and no luck
heres a dick to suck for you pretty mannequins
collagen got your lips stuck,use your hands again
the stains im standin in have colored my shadows
fake people waitin for face lifts in the gallows
your so shallow so now approach the guillotine
you can change your face but not full fill your dreams
so keep makin your teeth straight and tits bigger
while girls with no plastic always get my dick bigger
and your false attempts have left it low and flacid
after surgery your face distorts like most on acid
what would make you wanna change your appearance
skinny people brave the wind and fat ones need clearance.
after plastic surgery and the worries its seems fine
youve hurried to get a flurry of stitches and lines
people lookin like they were illustrated and drawn
too many idiots got me filled with hatred and gone
just a pawn on a chess board with no other pieces
spoiled brats get this and that taught to be leeches
no preachers or priests could pray to fix the pieces
our prayers have fell on deaf ears and its no surprise
but our fuck ups have been seen by anxious eyes
i despise what our society has become,a loaded gun
given to a baby with a strong hand and hopin for fun.
nice piece the first few bars i was hooked i no ppl who was going through the same situations i think its sad thoe but this was a good read i was interested through out the piece i will start back on topicals soon i liked how you took this in its direction
Re: Verse To Member - FeedBack.
thank you,i liked how this piece came out for the most part.