28 Days?

28 Days?
http://www.authortalk.org/Images/slave%20auction.jpg


Truth so ugly, it paints itself a lie, hands over the understanding of color, lighting, shades, and layers: hides underneath itself like racism without racists. No one in gallery, pondering; just drawing abstract conclusions: if I am confused, I am justified. I am not funding genocide. A new modern slave, protestant work ethic in empty pocket, she behind register, holding my dignity before her naked I/vory; searching for my watercolor background, my vertical embedded plastic strip, shifting hue. Black is counterfeit. Real. Fake.

On auction block: education. Show straight teeth: Standard English overbite, syntax, grammar. Strong muscle stock; spine, arms, hands, pussy, omit dick, legs, feet. Long necks: paragraphs. Editing: noosing, castrating, lancing language. Assimilating: sterilizing, purifying. Persuasive essay: generic, rubric, euro-centric. Tossed manuscript.

Uphold holocaust: forget transatlantic. White privilege: Polish, Italian, Jew. Club acceptance: carrying clubs; golf, billy, nightlife. Dance against canvas. Counting: steps, blows, head nigger on jobs, Rodney King on all fours. Appendage prints: kindergarten. Everything I needed to learn was there.

"Black necks for sale. Nooses sold separately. Killa nigga paraphernalia."

Somebody blew up Amerikkka, but didn’t disinfect its disease. Ghettos still festering sores: puss ridden, pushing out bullets, empty ballots, beer and bling bear/ring/ing boys: momma’s with heavy tilted heads, cracked and placed on shoulders, laying against phones at night, awaiting witness to her baby’s new birth: blood. She on busted knees praying.

Negro male(s) come through womb receivers: over lines: crossing lines: police lines, another brother’s line, unemployment lines, soup kitchen lines, welfare lines, white woman lines, coke lines, heroine lines, get in lines, stay in lines, death drawn lines.

Asbestos spaceships, hovering ground zero: aliens of future lungs; (roach secretions, weed and 50 cent loosie crystallized newports ain’t enough) depleted uranium skin lotion. Who, who, who, who: shows ash? Moisturizer from domestic foreigners given to domesticated enemies: we wear the mask, false consciousness, and are readily identifiable at the masquerade.

We smell of Atlantic sea water, Harlem sewers, Georgia Peach trees, Upstate New York Caucasians, McDonald’s fries, piss-ass education, dirty digital divides, slave quarters and dogs. Oh we smell, like dogs. Even when it’s not raining. Us; mutts of pale design, artistry of evil doers, boredom and opportunity.

A question of truths...By Poeta Demonio

This was really nice dude. You know I don't usually drop feed on poetry, not because I don't like it, I fucking love it, but because I'm usually more caught up in the topical side of things. But I'm about to be the new PS mod so here's where I start lol. This was really cool to read dude, it made me think a hell of a lot, some of the lines really just hit with such a huge impact. It kept me reading to the very end, I didn't get bored at all, which for me is a big thing lmao. there were a few lines in this piece that really struck home, lines that I just felt were perfectly worded, placed...and basically just perfect in every aspect lol. You are really smart as fuck dude, I'm being real, I don't know many other people who can write like this, I've said it before, and I'll say it again...in my opinion you are the best writer I have ever seen on RB. I dunno dude, I just seem to be able to connect with your peices, on some other level shit. But yea, this was dope as usual dude. Here's a few of my favourite lines.

'Somebody blew up Amerikkka, but didn’t disinfect its disease.'
wow, that was my favourite line in the whole piece....just perfect dude...straight fire.

awaiting witness to her baby’s new birth: blood. She on busted knees praying.
This was fucking great as well dude.

We smell of Atlantic sea water, Harlem sewers, Georgia Peach trees, Upstate New York Caucasians, McDonald’s fries, piss-ass education, dirty digital divides, slave quarters and dogs.
This was another line that was straight fire...dope shit.

Great piece dude, I was really feeling it. Props man.

This was nice. It pointed out the obvious racism that is still present in "Amerikkka." The way you formatted this entire piece was for lack of a better word, creative.

Quote:

---

We smell of Atlantic sea water, Harlem sewers, Georgia Peach trees, Upstate New York Caucasians, McDonald’s fries, piss-ass education, dirty digital divides, slave quarters and dogs. Oh we smell, like dogs. Even when it’s not raining. Us; mutts of pale design, artistry of evil doers, boredom and opportunity.

---

I like the modernization of this stanza.

You know how feed goes, it's hard for anyone to appreciate feed, just for the fact that there is criticism or it's not long enough. So I apologize if you feel you deserve more feed than you are receiving, and rightfully you do. But I feel I summed up what I thought in two lines. I appreciate if you'd return the favor, however long the feedback on my Prose, Audible Vodka
Thanks,
Po.

Damn this piece..was dope...as fuck...I mean you touched every angle of american life from then to now...the relation was so strong...but what I enjoyed most was the wording and vocab..I mean that was the strongest thing about this piece...your lines were so powerful..it was crazy..the emotion..was over flowing..especially towards the end..each stanza seemed to stand for something different in the aspect of life...and the overall message was a strong one..and you did a hell of a job conveying it...man props on a very entertaining and enlightening read...RTF pls...to Brain on drugs..

yo this poem is fuckin' dope.. the emotion in it..
all the anger and hate... all the statements you
pointed out. the way you described every little
piece of it and not leaving nothing behind...


Somebody blew up Amerikkka, but didn’t disinfect its disease.
this one is my favorite, too
all the truth you've told....

Moisturizer from domestic foreigners given to domesticated enemies: we wear the mask, false consciousness, and are readily identifiable at the masquerade.
man your killing it

We smell of Atlantic sea water, Harlem sewers, Georgia Peach trees, Upstate New York Caucasians, McDonald’s fries, piss-ass education, dirty digital divides, slave quarters and dogs. Oh we smell, like dogs. Even when it’s not raining. Us; mutts of pale design, artistry of evil doers, boredom and opportunity.

truth is all you speak here...


this fuckin' is amazingly incredible and very
heartfelt. you did a good job.. definitely the
best I've seen in Poetic Structures... I enjoyed the
read so thank you, man.. wow..

OKay, first off to say, this is probably my favorite piece i've read from you, maybe ever. It was so fast pace and unlike your usual slow, almost hypnotic style of writing, which allows the reader to basically just sit back and chill read... this was something that if you didn't read it fast and get into the emotion of it you could possibly loose the feeling for it and not grasp the full beauty of this kind of writing. Luckily for you, i did grasp the feeling :)... At first i wasn't too sure about the structure of the piece, as generally with structures of that length lines it tends to drift off and loose flow and becomes long winded, yet because it was an angry piece the intervals brought on by commas allowed that style to work without getting cluttered and mixed up. I couldn't help but smile over so many lines in here, you really do have a magical way with wording and i even did som,ething i RARELY do, and that was lower my eyebrows while reading almost like i do when listening or playing the blues... if you dont get my meaning listen to the blues and notice how your eyebrows uncontrolably move with the emotion lol.... anyway on to the feed itself...


"Truth so ugly, it paints itself a lie, hands over the understanding of color, lighting, shades, and layers: hides underneath itself like racism without racists. No one in gallery, pondering; just drawing abstract conclusions: if I am confused, I am justified. I am not funding genocide. A new modern slave, protestant work ethic in empty pocket, she behind register, holding my dignity before her naked I/vory; searching for my watercolor background, my vertical embedded plastic strip, shifting hue. Black is counterfeit. Real. Fake."

^^Perfect start here, the first line was fucking awesome, so simple and kind of a metaphor style i tend to go for when writing plus enjoy when reading pieces... the word play with the "drawing" conclussions was excellant and you kept that art feel after the colors and shades line which i love a link when moving on to the next point, you seem to do that so beautifully man. plus perfect ending to the verse there aswell... nothing to complain about here at all. perfect.




"On auction block: education. Show straight teeth: Standard English overbite, syntax, grammar. Strong muscle stock; spine, arms, hands, pussy, omit dick, legs, feet. Long necks: paragraphs. Editing: noosing, castrating, lancing language. Assimilating: sterilizing, purifying. Persuasive essay: generic, rubric, euro-centric. Tossed manuscript.
Uphold holocaust: forget transatlantic. White privilege: Polish, Italian, Jew. Club acceptance: carrying clubs; golf, billy, nightlife. Dance against canvas. Counting: steps, blows, head nigger on jobs, Rodney King on all fours. Appendage prints: kindergarten. Everything I needed to learn was there."

^^ Once again perfect. Kept that upbeat tempo to it and managed to keep a sarcastic tone in voice here. WHich is a great reflection on anger itself... as when your angry we generally tend to use sarcasm alot... whereas most people who write of anger only write about the symtoms of anger and the actions through anger such as violence or shouting, rather than focusing on the true feeling of anger persay.




"Somebody blew up Amerikkka, but didn’t disinfect its disease. Ghettos still festering sores: puss ridden, pushing out bullets, empty ballots, beer and bling bear/ring/ing boys: momma’s with heavy tilted heads, cracked and placed on shoulders, laying against phones at night, awaiting witness to her baby’s new birth: blood. She on busted knees praying.
Negro male(s) come through womb receivers: over lines: crossing lines: police lines, another brother’s line, unemployment lines, soup kitchen lines, welfare lines, white woman lines, coke lines, heroine lines, get in lines, stay in lines, death drawn lines. "

^^
That first line was sooo fucking creative man, amerikkka... absolutely blew me apart with that one. also my favorite part of this stanza was the "line" part that whole section was just beyond me man... and also pointed out the generic perseption of black people... once again portrayed through sarcasm. This was actually my favorite stanza, and basically just amazed me really... i've never seen you write in a style like this.. it was a risky move, but damn it payed off bro. just the raw emotion here was incredible.




"Asbestos spaceships, hovering ground zero: aliens of future lungs; (roach secretions, weed and 50 cent loosie crystallized newports ain’t enough) depleted uranium skin lotion. Who, who, who, who: shows ash? Moisturizer from domestic foreigners given to domesticated enemies: we wear the mask, false consciousness, and are readily identifiable at the masquerade.
We smell of Atlantic sea water, Harlem sewers, Georgia Peach trees, Upstate New York Caucasians, McDonald’s fries, piss-ass education, dirty digital divides, slave quarters and dogs. Oh we smell, like dogs. Even when it’s not raining. Us; mutts of pale design, artistry of evil doers, boredom and opportunity."

^Awesome finish aswell, my favorite lines were the end lines making the comparrison to blacks and dogs... an obvious reference to being under ownership. mutts of pale design was a fucking great line, full of meanign and although alot more abstract than the rest of the piece, this stanza was definitely the right way to end... it seems it got a little sporadic at the end, but i took that as a metaphor to getting to breaking point of anger and getting muddled up out of frustration. maybe, maybe not lol... awesome opiece man, may nom this for legends, but maybe it would be a waste of time due to the RB aristocracy!




Anyway, feed on my polaroid catastrophy piece dude.

WOW....you never cease to amaze me when it comes to feedback. LOL, it's funny, but in a strange sort of way your feedback is better than most of the pieces (including mine) that you comment on. What I mean is, it's enjoyable and refreshing to read. Anyway, hold off on the Legends nomination, at least for now. Beside, I have a couple of pieces that are way better than this that I plan on post when the time is right. Maybe even a few me and you can collab on if your interested. IT IS WELL OVER DUE that me and you collab anyway. BUt yeah, this isn't really a new style for me. This is usually how I write for class (When I took creative writing and Journalism). I call it block-form, but I think the correct termonolgy is pro-essay. Anyway, I'll hit both you and N's piece up in a bit. Give me sometime to get centered though. PM me asap about that collab though, if you don't have AIM anymore. But yeah, me and you collabing should equal Legends easily...lol...hopefully! Pz