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<3 Samantha
So here I am, laying down in reminiscence
Take a sniff of the air, I can still smell your presence
I still see your figure laying with me on my bed
I dream about it at night, can't get you outta my head
Your loving embrace and the look in your eyes
Having fun together, we just make time fly
You took hold of my hand, you took hold of my heart
Outside of my house, neither of us wishing to part
Neither to sleep, nor to go to work in the morn
Hell hath no fury like two seperated lovers scorn
Upon our reunion, we share a controlled passion
Despite our differences in music, and differences in fashion
I'm straight outta Compton, you're straight out of the GAP
Yet everything changes when you are laying in my lap
I promised I'd never fall in love after the pain that I felt
Misogyny towards females, I wore a chastity belt
But you came along, and proved me so wrong
So long, Your love came on too strong
Lowered my defenses, yet I can't interpret
Ask myself when you leave if it is worth it
Yet all questions are dispersed when you're here
I shed away my shield, I let go all the fear
I'm a victim of love, I so easily gave into it
Here I am, 17, and am so ready to commit
But I slow it down, I just want to indulge in bliss
Here I am waiting, for your tender, innocent kiss...
<3 Samantha
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Nice piece. The emotion portrayed in the poem was at an apparent level but could have been more in depth. Also I think if you had used more imagery it would have grabbed the readers attention further and help them to understand more of how you are feeling. Not a bad poem at all though. This flowed smoothly and vocab was at a decent level. I can see you have a poet's potential, keep it up.
I would greatly appreciate some of your feedback.....
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=131210
or check out our crews latest collab...
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=132031
this one is being slept on pretty bad
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Thanks Dawg, anyone else?
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well done. this was a slightly above par piece. some of it i felt was too cliche. for example... "Take a sniff of the air, I can still smell your presence
I still see your figure laying with me on my bed"... try to get away from things like that, lines that have been overused in poetry. but i like how you came up with some nice imagery in areas like..." I shed away my shield," and... "Hell hath no fury like two seperated lovers scorn". the emotion was probobly your best part on this. vocab could have been upped. imagery was alright. but still could have been more. but sometimes, like if your giving this to your girl, simple is a better way to go. just some helpful criticism hopefully. it was still a good piece, enjoyed reading it. keep at it.
