Nice one Self. I like both parts here. Both parts are imo written well and sound authentic. The child's part is no easy feat and good on you for doing it justice. You did the child really well, and as Enoch said, it's good you wrote it like we read it. The way its supposed to sound. Writing a young child's voice is all about keeping it honest, and it sounds really honest Self. Also, the vet's part was written well too. The description that went with all his sections took you to that place of hell and gunfire and had that atmosphere you're looking to build, it had it, so again, good stuff there. My interest here is definitely in both these parts meshing.
The oppositional differences of both characters and the sweetness they give off when they're together is so sweet. The black and white of it. The sweet and sour. You've made it work really well Self.
His flashbacks were very descriptive and I think the language you used really helped that old man's section take off.
Yeah, you did another good job with this one Self. I'm looking forward to part 2.
Quote:
Napalm bombs explode over head
Machine gun fire...unload or ur dead
Those Vietcong dogs ripped the bones
Out my leg...
Quote:
it plays like the news
The faces of my crew
The pain and the gloom
Good Morning Vietnam:
Rest in peace my Platoon
Apocalypse Now: Jesus Christ in a few
The life of a vet that didn't die with his troop!
Quote:
"Hey Granpa wat's ta matta...why you sweatin in ya sweep?
Can ya tell me wat dis means...Mommy calls it psd?
But I tink that der's a T scribbled somewhere inbetween.
See she wrote it on dis sheet when da doctor called last week.
See you fightin in ya dreams wit da Boogie Man and monstas.
But you need'nt be afraid cuz I use to have dat problem.
'Til daddy bought a light and he put it right beside me..
Now every night I sweep it blinds the monstas tryna find me!
lol re: ^^^ that quote. I was going to chop it up but...damn its all good. I like it all.
Quote:
*If you need it you can have it cuz da Boogie Man is dead.
Cuz dat dolly dat you made me put a bullet in his head.
Kilt his gobblins and his guards and his gremlins and his pets.
Mommy tot I wet da bed but dat was blood from his neck!!!"*
Ok, I'll stop quoting, because I could go on and I'll probably end up quoting nearly all of it.
Top job.
Great Read.
Thank you.
