"SS Drop" Death Was Chosen

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...en-381460.html

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...go-381325.html

This was the topic giving by the mods
Pro-Death


Death was Chosen

Death to me is a second chance to breathe
Alive in the after life with no blood to bleed
These burning gates are the last thing I see
Before my soul's lost for the rest of eternity

How did I finally let death grab hold and choke this life
Witness my final steps unfold, wrote through strife
Each sentence produces an image of vintage tears
Velvet mirrors outline my coffin as I lay rotten in fears
Drowned in dirt, casket's fashion covered in dark
Still dieing to hurt, crawling and reaching for my heart
Followed the path, as my heart fell through the gates
Turned to find I'm trapped, and these flames are my fate
See the silhouette approaching, the hood of death is removed
And his head is floating, "You again?, Why return so soon?"

With quivering lips a whisper slipped and slowly fell into his ears
"I lost life's grip and with both wrists slit I ran through a few years."

"So, you've brought yourself. Chose to walk death's way.
You strangled your health and made your breath change"

"Basically, I was tired of facing dreams as they sat and laughed,
Too scared to see what a failure's be with a train of thought off track"

"Now, after these gates are released the demons seed will sit deep.
Your latest thoughts will cease and ya cheeks will bleed.
Horns will grow and your blood will boil. Skin singed with bones aching
Eyes of a crow and your loves spoiled. Never reach your end..... forsaken."

"I'm ready for this.. ready to be ripped into a devils worker.
I'll fall into an abyss.. let my conscience slip after my own murder"

Next thing I seen was flames and faces. thoughts ran adjacent
Memory seemed changed and lost in places. still sights random faces
Torn wings from my spine, and my jaw was rewired
Scorn bleeds from the sky, and the ocean's of fire
Now desire for blood runs strong in these veins
No thoughts of my love and my life's lived in pain
Body burns and no one's concerned with my words
Tears return, and I suffer from my sight's blur
Lay here in heat, trying to bleed out my grief
No surface for seats and I'm forced to drink
A thickened liquid that replaced some strength
Then walked on a mission for an eternal length.

Death to me was a second chance to breathe
Now, dead in the after life with no blood to bleed
The burning gates were the last thing I seen
Before my soul was lost in the rest of eternity.

This peice was dope man, multis were insane. Flow was excellent the whole way through, had good imagery and the vocab was good, kept the peice interesting and made me think at the same time. In some bits it seemed like poetry and in other bits in felt like rap which is good man, its nice to switch it up. 10/10 man. good job.

Please return the feed to "will receive no signature" when you get time.

I'm going to apolagize ahead of time to you, I'm extremely tired so this feed not be my usual standerd. Yet I digress from the reason I'm in here, I feel that this was a strong and solid peice which contained strong imagery and had some good emotion at times the flow was better then others and their were a few in my opinion oddly worded spots.

Quote:

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Next thing I seen was flames and faces. thoughts ran adjacent
Memory seemed changed and lost in places. still sights random faces

---

Iono, maybe I'm just over exhausted but you using Faces, and then with the same bar ending on it just seemed awkward. But for the most part you came with strong lines and overall content that was just above par by far.

Way to come out strong Bilayer.
Again proving why TRYAGAIN, is a top crew.

if possible could you feed my peice.
Thank you Bilayer.

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...fe-382538.html

"Basically, I was tired of facing dreams as they sat and laughed,
Too scared to see what a failure's be with a train of thought off track"

-just thought I'd point out....that these lines seemed kinda off base with the rest of the piece.

The topic is cool and figuring how you didn't get to come up with it yourself...You really made it your own. I think alot of people woulda done something Cliche with it.

Your flow was onpoint but I think you coulda added more imagery....some good imagery in this piece tho,,,were these lines IMO:

Followed the path, as my heart fell through the gates
Turned to find I'm trapped, and these flames are my fate
See the silhouette approaching, the hood of death is removed
And his head is floating, "You again?, Why return so soon?"
-these lines were very poetic but I could still see them being spit in a rap.


"Now, after these gates are released the demons seed will sit deep.
Your latest thoughts will cease and ya cheeks will bleed.
Horns will grow and your blood will boil. Skin singed with bones aching
Eyes of a crow and your loves spoiled. Never reach your end..... forsaken."
-As for these lines I liked the choppiness of the flow....it seemed rushed but it wasn't a bad thing....its like it gave the rest of the rhymescheme a change of pace.

This is maybe the best piece I've seen from you so far.
Thanks for the read.

Reading this made me realize just how much I need to raise my game. You obviously though a lot about this and put a lot of effort into it and it really shows. I was trying to find a fault in there somewhere so as to be helpful but your shit is just too polished. Loved it man stay up.

thanx for the feed everyone

Liked your opening a lot, It set the piece.
Rhyme scheme was nice and consistant, your piece ran smoothly from beggining to end.
Enjoyed your middle with the speech, really liked some of your ideas in there...you really let go. A good use of description and very good vocab being shown.
Nothing was repetative and your piece built up a story for the reader. Very good writing.

All round nice verse, with good vocab, description, imagery and much more indepth detail. I will be nomanating this

Next thing I seen was flames and faces. thoughts ran adjacent
Memory seemed changed and lost in places. still sights random faces
Torn wings from my spine, and my jaw was rewired
Scorn bleeds from the sky, and the ocean's of fire
Now desire for blood runs strong in these veins
No thoughts of my love and my life's lived in pain
Body burns and no one's concerned with my words
Tears return, and I suffer from my sight's blur
Lay here in heat, trying to bleed out my grief
No surface for seats and I'm forced to drink
A thickened liquid that replaced some strength
Then walked on a mission for an eternal length.

This was the best part of the peice to me i really like the whole thing it was structered pretty good and had a nice flo to it

appreciate all the feed

Bilayer, I already left you feedback in the SS thread, but I wanted to reiterate some of what I said here... Have a little more detail, etc.

You're writing shows a lot of promise, as you clearly have a good grasp of the basics. Personally, what I thought this lacked was originality. I would love to see some abstraction of such a conventional topic... If you got yourself to write something that was unexpected and compelling to read then I think you'd fly into the HoF or into the final stages of SS. I'm not familiar with your writing, so you may have already experimented with this, but I'm assuming you haven't for the sake of constructive criticism.

The piece was strong for what it is, but I think it would benefit you, and your chances in SS, if you had a look at a topic from an abstract angle. The way a lot of people do this is by simply starting to write with no particular purpose. That can often bear fruit, particularly if you go back and cleanup irrelevant lines.

Anyway, good work.. I hope to see more. Good luck with SS.

thanx alot imma try that this up coming week see this is why i drop to get feed back that will help me in the outcome

uppin again

That was doped flow was on the spot i liked the vocab and the multis.....
the imagery was good wish you would have added more into the story line but i liked it.....
throroughly enjoyed reading it, and i did like the way you decribed your casket very intellegent....

check out my newest thread
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...html?p=6718009

thanx for the feed uppin once more