Spoon Fed

Just a little project im working on not complete yet some of the first verse. Im planning on writing it for a,friend who eventually wants to create a,video from it. I got a cool visual when writing it. Just want some feed tell me what yall think so far.

Spoonfed

At the end of the spoon he had a craving
Tasted like Mom n Dads whole life savings
Swallowed it now satisfied  in his own Safehaven
Bloated off free rent, food and hot water to bathe in
Always reaching for a second helping no time to digest it
He wants another spoonful you damn right he gets it
Never an empty plate on the table that hes left with
Full menu of wants n needs wash it down with a refreshment
Another dollar for desert swallows greed with a breathmint
He'll break that spoon in half he dont respect shit
Causes streams full of tears then soaks it up with some Netflix
New galaxy phone glued to the hand he loves to text with
Ambition turning into a soggy bowl of Chex Mix
Crying over spilled milk is one of his best tricks
Can he walk the path of life in his Retro Kicks?
What if he gets em scuffed?
Then would he realize that enough is enough?
Little soap n water will get him back his strut
Humming his 3 favorite words Brand New Stuff

Hook idea:

Napkin and a placesetting ur tables now prepared
Can you see yourself clearly through that polished silverware

Links:

http://rapbattles.com/showthread.php...You-I-P-Collab
http://rapbattles.com/showthread.php...ica-chapter-1)

Thought this was good. IDK why.. But I liked it more after the "Break the spoon in half" line. Seemed to it picked up steam to me. Did you write more after the first verse? Seems like a second verse would make it better. Peace

I like the rhyme scheme throughout the piece, especially if you read it with that Boston accent. I get the sense you were telling a story of a fella who was hell-bent on getting that spoon and wasn't going to back down for nothing. I would like to hear more emotion through words and vocab of frustration and anger to really sell his desperation. Other than that, this oughta be an interesting video when its all said and done. You better let me see it when its complete or else.... :screenpunch:

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Originally Posted by KnowP

I like the rhyme scheme throughout the piece, especially if you read it with that Boston accent. I get the sense you were telling a story of a fella who was hell-bent on getting that spoon and wasn't going to back down for nothing. I would like to hear more emotion through words and vocab of frustration and anger to really sell his desperation. Other than that, this oughta be an interesting video when its all said and done. You better let me see it when its complete or else.... :screenpunch:

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The visual im going for is a,spoiled ass kid hence the title spoonfed im gonna,reflect the first verse on him getting everything he wanted last verse is,gonna,be in a negative aspect now his spoiled ass doesnt have shit. So he staring through the silverware the whole time seeing a,good spoiled life then just one day he wakes up he cant see,through the polished silverware anymore

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Originally Posted by thatdudeB

Thought this was good. IDK why.. But I liked it more after the "Break the spoon in half" line. Seemed to it picked up steam to me. Did you write more after the first verse? Seems like a second verse would make it better. Peace

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Nah havent added more in process

OK, I fed this last night, and lost the lot, then lost the plot, so here I am again, suffering lol, for your art.

Spoonfed

At the end of the spoon he had a craving
Tasted like Mom n Dads whole life savings I think you've got a natural knack for rhyme. It's entirely stream line, smooth as butter. Not just that, but the wording is beautifully basic, making the imagery and msg pop.
Swallowed it now satisfied in his own Safehaven I would take out the word 'own' its implied anyway and seems to tip my syllables outta wack lol. But that's just me.
Bloated off free rent, food and hot water to bathe in This sentence is jam packed. Nice stuff saying so much but retaining the simplicity of it.
Always reaching for a second helping no time to digest it
He wants another spoonful you damn right he gets it lol, love this line. I like the attitude displayed.
Never an empty plate on the table that hes left with
Full menu of wants n needs wash it down with a refreshment
Another dollar for desert swallows greed with a breathmint That's great. Great lines here.
He'll break that spoon in half he dont respect shit Probably my favourite line I think. Straight to the point and falls so well.
Causes streams full of tears then soaks it up with some Netflix lol man, I can see this little shitty snotty kid, lapping up the huge screen while sprawled on the leather recliner.
New galaxy phone glued to the hand he loves to text with lol bring on the spoilt brat.
Ambition turning into a soggy bowl of Chex Mix This is the bit where the imagery popped right out of its spot.
Crying over spilled milk is one of his best tricks This is one of your best tricks. Setting this line up after your last, leads to a bar that's beautifully strong and packs a punch.
Can he walk the path of life in his Retro Kicks? And it just keeps getting better.
What if he gets em scuffed?
Then would he realize that enough is enough?
Little soap n water will get him back his strut
Humming his 3 favorite words Brand New Stuff That's great. And sad. Well written.

Hook idea:

Napkin and a placesetting ur tables now prepared
Can you see yourself clearly through that polished silverware

As for these two lines, that hook, is stunning. It's classy and refined and really well thought out.

Joe, I'm sorry it took me so long to feed this. But I think this is great. I love this style of writing.
I can easily imagine this as a song, and I think the video would be amazing too, if you get the right brat to play the part.
It's a story that's been lived by a few, I'm sure, but you've done it justice by the clean cut way you've put this down.
Definitely sold me on it.
I loved this.


Great Read.

Thank you.

Thank you very much @Emily its very hard to conciously write i was always,use to battling punch lines and stuff but then if u start writing enough i feel creativity starts playing a part i love something with a message.

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Spoonfed

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^Cool title.

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At the end of the spoon he had a craving
Tasted like Mom n Dads whole life savings
Swallowed it now satisfied in his own Safehaven
Bloated off free rent, food and hot water to bathe in

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Firstly, the concept is dope. To me it seems like a play on gluttony but in a metaphorical sense. Especially, given the whole "silver spoon" and food like references.Secondly, the wording is crisp and the lyrics a clean. No misses yet, brah. Great way to start.

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Always reaching for a second helping no time to digest it
He wants another spoonful you damn right he gets it
Never an empty plate on the table that hes left with
Full menu of wants n needs wash it down with a refreshment

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The 'a' at the end throws off the syllable count. Take that out and it'll flow like water. As for content everything is still on point and lyrically you're getting busy with wordplay.

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Another dollar for desert swallows greed with a breathmint
He'll break that spoon in half he dont respect shit
Causes streams full of tears then soaks it up with some Netflix

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^Again, you're wordplay is stop notch and each line is breathing new life into your theme. Instead of getting monotonous it's get more entertaining. By the way this kid sounds like a real fuckboy. Oh, also, that stream/Netflix concept was well executed.

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New galaxy phone glued to the hand he loves to text with
Ambition turning into a soggy bowl of Chex Mix
Crying over spilled milk is one of his best tricks
Can he walk the path of life in his Retro Kicks?
What if he gets em scuffed?
Then would he realize that enough is enough?
Little soap n water will get him back his strut
Humming his 3 favorite words Brand New Stuff

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^I don't get the last line. I guess I'm unfamiliar with that song. Everything else was tight tho. Especially, that Chex Mix/spilled milk part. really solid.

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Hook idea:

Napkin and a placesetting ur tables now prepared
Can you see yourself clearly through that polished silverware

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If it sounds like it reads then run with it...cause it's dope as fuck. Maybe add 2 more lines to really round it out and give a full feel tho.

Overall: Dope verse/song, Joe. Not only did you execute the concept to a "T", but you also had a strong flow and great word placement the entire read...from start to finish. I look forward to seeing this go from text to video. I imagine the treatment will be just as creative as the source material itself.

Good shit!

Peace...

cool little drop, nothiing too poetic here, but you wasn't going for that, I would like to see the finished verse.

At the end of the spoon he had a craving
Tasted like Mom n Dads whole life savings
Swallowed it now satisfied in his own Safehaven
Bloated off free rent, food and hot water to bathe in

nice multies in this, pretty good so far.

Always reaching for a second helping no time to digest it
He wants another spoonful you damn right he gets it
Never an empty plate on the table that hes left with
Full menu of wants n needs wash it down with a refreshment
Another dollar for desert swallows greed with a breathmint
He'll break that spoon in half he dont respect shit
Causes streams full of tears then soaks it up with some Netflix
New galaxy phone glued to the hand he loves to text with
Ambition turning into a soggy bowl of Chex Mix
Crying over spilled milk is one of his best tricks
Can he walk the path of life in his Retro Kicks?

lmao at, soaks it up with some netflix, and soggy bowl of chex mix, this flowed nicely to.

What if he gets em scuffed?
Then would he realize that enough is enough?
Little soap n water will get him back his strut
Humming his 3 favorite words Brand New Stuff

decent shit here, I mean the rhyme schemes aren't overelly impressive, but the flow was on point, I could see this being used in a track. NICE piece you got here boston, I am familar with your battles, but it's nice to see some other type of written shit from you, keep up this work!

I'm assuming this was written for audio. The concept is pretty cool, spoiled rich kid who wants everything. Would like to see you go more into the kid eventually losing everything; I think that would put a dope twist on it, just my two cents. the hook is underdeveloped but as you said it is just an idea. The rhyme scheme is solid. I think the spilled milk, best tricks line is perfect for a pun on Trix the cereal, maybe you could work that in there but again, just my two cents- guess that makes four now. Anyway this is pretty cool for a start. I would like to see how it turns out when you're finished, and I'm curious about the video. Good luck with it.

Thank you all very much for the feed leave links if yall can ill try my best to feed them.

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@SELF ACTIVATE that last line is just him saying Brand New Stuff but in his mind he knows,hes getting it so hes reciting it. Your feed was dope man i appreciate your time. Leave a link im on my phone but ill do my best to leave the feed i can.

The struggle is real bro. I hate leaving feed from my phone too. I got a piece titled Noon Shanghai. Hit whenever you got the time. No rush.

Can't help but reading it in your accent here lol I thought this was decent. I liked the cohesiveness of it. Cool theme to roll with. It wS solid on the rhymes side like other have said interesting to hear it on audio, I think it would work well

Lookin good so far bro.
I imagined my son at first hahahaha I spoil him in my eyes but to him he never gets what he wants so it turns out to be another kid that don't realize how good he got it already. Flow was smooth too, it should turn out nice so an I'll be happy to see how you end up taking the rest of it.
Good shit man