The Dollar: Long Bar Verse....

http://i59.tinypic.com/2zhqdg6.jpg


Kids sing about the way she walked the streets...
As if her feet was depleted for conceited reasons hating the concrete
The staccato cadence were like she stomped a beat...
Romp-pa-pomp-pomp the ills that distilleries filled to lock her speech...

She wished for days where mocking the streets was a daily feat she completes
But after the end of the week, she's meek from the spree of wetting bed sheets
Sweating from the heat, she internally despised like rotten milk from a cow's teat
Leaking tear ducts construct an ire to the fleeting talk of God avenging the weak
Then asking for tithes for the ride the wings of heaven for the 144 available seats
In which she has paid for, for fourscores with no confirmations or no receipt
And it's getting hard sucking dick for salvation on glass encrusted knees
Or lasting the thrusting pleas of "baby say that name you like to call me..."
Hope is swallowed in hollowed eyes and whithered skin upon her cheeks
Bruising grips tweaks her shape to fall from firmness, yet the vagina's sweet
It's the negotiator that keeps her in this fail game of hide and seek
A respirator that aid her to be a major force, nameless, amongst her peeps

This vicious circle of murdering souls and reproducing illusive fanatical dreams
Malicious twerking for the girthing of dollars, inducing after collections, screams
What gleams is what she dope fiends for, snort streams of South American cream
Drinking "leen" things need a quick fix, never to the point of sucking glass dicks
But enough that now her pussy twitch so much that it runs "Johns" from the scene
Instilling the corner shop to entice the right dollar to spend for her lasting tricks
And tonight is no different, well maybe, she doesn't know her seats been called
After balling with the devilish spawn who paid $200 for an "all in all"...
Spiking her "leen" with GHB taking the breathe and selling the evil from her body
Striking vocal chords with a shiv, blood runs out the door to the first floor lobby....

Police find her smiling holding a dollar in a prayerful clutch........

It takes one hundred pennies to save a life
Nine hundred more to have her wifed....
One thousand more will get you both a meal
Ten thousand more will have you rolling on wheels
We do things with the pennies but what it's worth
We could have pennies and never touch them, since birth
Find a dollar and our day is well
Not knowing the dollar is the doorway that made us hell....

http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthre...=1#post8532750

http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthre...=1#post8532753

damn being slept on...

This is pretty dope. I've read a lot of dead Hooker pieces but I like the way it is put together here. The wording and rhyme scheme are both on point and the ending, though it could have been more polished, had this cool nursery rhyme feel. My only critique is same grammar mistakes that I saw in SS. For example in line two, " as if her feet was depleted" "was" should be "were". Also, the third line, second stanza, is lacking parallelism, I.e. "sweating" being present tense and "despised" being past tense. This is a cool piece, but it needs to be proofread. I hope you take the advise to heart, because you're a good writter, and I don't want to see you become one of these half-ass egoism dickholes who produce shit with minimum effort and then expect everybody to bust a nut in their pants about it. Anyway dope drop, just needs a bit of editing. G'luck in the finals.

Thanks for the feed...

Let me clarify some of the writing...

The depleted line was taken in a metaphorical past tense not in an actual present sense as using "were" would hint to. This is a statement made by kids who were observing her not in action but as a description. The depletion cause by the reason of hating concrete furthers outline the description of this lady.

The sweating from the heat line doesn't refer to the next line after the comma in which the latter is its own complete thought but a exclamation point to the previous line closing that thought out. The despised line complements the tear duct line in an abstract way of someone of maybe a youthful disposition may cry because it can't get what it wants. There are a lot of technical twists in this that you can't read as a normal topical drop. This long bar form gave me the platform to do such variations. if you read it again with the tips I gave it should be clearer.

Nice intro Yi San Si. The little kiddies bringing her to life was smart, I liked that.
Love this stanza. The depiction of the concrete and her hating it to the
‘Romp-pa-pomp-pomp’ was cool.
Delving into the life of a prostitute has been done before but you pulled it off in
a different way which is great, showcasing money as the culprit.
Expressing her issues was a slap in the face. Reading about wet bed sheets and
Sweat and all she has to go through isn’t easy. I know the writings good when I cringe
but want to read more. You have some brilliant wording as usual, which always gets a
smile out of me. You have some top phrases which you put together well. Bars like,

‘Leaking tear ducts construct an ire to the fleeting talk of God avenging the weak
Then asking for tithes for the ride the wings of heaven for the 144 available seats’

And,

“And it's getting hard sucking dick for salvation on glass encrusted knees --(love the glass encrusted knees)
Or lasting the thrusting pleas of "baby say that name you like to call me..."

And,
‘Hope is swallowed in hollowed eyes and ‘whithered’ skin upon her cheeks’ (withered…typo)
Bruising grips tweaks her shape to fall from firmness, yet the vagina's sweet.
It's the negotiator that keeps her in this fail game of hide and seek
A respirator that aid her to be a major force, nameless, amongst her peeps’ (should it be aids her?)

Well said. I love that you keep it real and don’t go overboard distorting the truth or
underplay it. It’s very real in its depiction of the world’s oldest profession.

‘his vicious circle of murdering souls and reproducing illusive fanatical dreams’
Another top bar, and the one after it too.
That second stanza is jam packed full of imagery and great bars. There is so much
Going on, and it’s not hard to actually see it all happening because your descriptions are
Written so well, it’s almost HD.

My favourite part of this piece is the last stanza:

‘It takes one hundred pennies to save a life
Nine hundred more to have her wifed....
One thousand more will get you both a meal
Ten thousand more will have you rolling on wheels
We do things with the pennies but what it's worth
We could have pennies and never touch them, since birth
Find a dollar and our day is well
Not knowing the dollar is the doorway that made us hell.... ‘

I like the flow of it, and I like the repetitive nature of the language using money
to show us what bought what, buys whatnot. Cool concept right there.
This last little stanza’s trippy.

Love your work.

Keep em rolling ‘cause I’m always reading. Maybe a little late, but I’ll never miss a beat.

Great read.