uhhh i was on a lot of drugs ;/

i got forty eight hands, roll one up, the fiend slave//
roach clipped that weaved purp haze, my personal clean slate//
get hooked for life with no release date//
crave weed laced, crate and sign and leave yo teen days behind//
these thugs that hesitate to crunch on cubes.. lose//
im halfway through, bagged in the lunch room, i love mushrooms//
get fucked soon, i execute vacuum dust//
drill percs too, pop a few till my liver flukes with rust//
i got kicked out the dorm room,//
mom and dad “we love you..” left me to the city, no body with me, (FUCK YOU)//
hacked my arm so crips would kill me
dr. classified, hungry for substance, when i ocd these dust bunnies in clusters//
plug and play, streets lack gutters to wake up my leak brothers//
if yous wonder, i never felt myself in anyway//
till dissociate syrup my state encouraged my brain cells to play//
i, in seconds, separate//
in moments generate//
cranium waves that congregate
coffin nails below the earths tatonic plates//
ima tryna levitate
im outta my skin, traded my mental functions//
for cough suppressors for breakfast lunch and all them nerve bundles//
these pets are my lovers, they my one and onlys//
and till the day i die.. these chemicals my blood homies//
get faced, kids



http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthre...302/index.html
http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthre...302/index.html
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eehhh, sorry but I don't see the flow. But this line "coffin nails below the earths tatonic plates" was really good. Also the details of how drugs are your friends was o.k., it wasn't strong sadly. The end of this piece had more flow and detail then the other parts of the piece, so nice finish but you should work on this. Add more literary devices, work on imagery and dialogue, and your main idea which is the effects of drugs towards you. Dose it help you? Dose it destroy you? Do you love taking drugs or hate it but can't seem to stop? I don't see the point your trying to prove about the relationship between you and drugs.

Ok as a definite "no no", don't post "//" behind lines, it looks bad and capping lines definitely hurts a readers flow. And as for flow, you gotta structure the drop more for reading rather than how you would say it. Mixing short and long lines can be done but it has to have some strong content and witty wordplay to pull it off. If you would restructure this drop, it would come off better. You have the basics but understand that when you drop here you are writing and not spitting audio. Keep Elevating.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by WhatsHisFace

eehhh, sorry but I don't see the flow. But this line "coffin nails below the earths tatonic plates" was really good. Also the details of how drugs are your friends was o.k., it wasn't strong sadly. The end of this piece had more flow and detail then the other parts of the piece, so nice finish but you should work on this. Add more literary devices, work on imagery and dialogue, and your main idea which is the effects of drugs towards you. Dose it help you? Dose it destroy you? Do you love taking drugs or hate it but can't seem to stop? I don't see the point your trying to prove about the relationship between you and drugs.

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agreed 100%, this was a piece I wrote on my first dissociative experience and printed straight out of the notebook. I see the flow, kinda cause I wrote it but I see what you get at, I lose track of it myself sometimes when I'm not reading it back flawlessly. Will work on it, but I don't much like it either. Seems too forced at times, but that's what I get for trying to write with so many blurry hands lol

this had potential man..though your word choices fucked it up for you
i liked the imagery this gave off..and the flow like said was fucked
cuz of certain word choices you made.
vocab is def there so that tells me you got some skill you seem rusty or maybe you didnt put to much effort into this..
either way the imagery and vocab was onpoint..keep posting duder