Quote:
Links of outer space engage conversation
Speaking widowed tongues; disguised evaluation
Repeated sins glitter on this galactic catastrophe
Animosity sits firm on the stone of death colored mahogany
Brute force is haltered through, defense ground zero
Near the pits of hates, your brain burns to see clear though
I’m here soul, moving vividly with repercussions
I stand for nothing only meaningless love in discussion
Battle trace, my heart rebuttals and stabs clean
Serene my caustic empathy and cleanse me in a stream
Down the waterfalls of mercury and splashed dead
Awake… I snap forward... tapping windows with life after death
Doctor please check once again I keep having these nightmares...
My nerves shiver with fear and dangle over pressure
A lecture towards my own scarcity and champagne compressor
I sip another drip… as I reload the clip, one last kiss
So I blow it away... BANG... my fear I forever live with
Some parts here were quite awkward... like you're saying a lot of things and not following up on them to give them any substance... "Widowed tongues", "galactic catastrophe," "brute force is haltered through," "Battle trace, my heart rebuttals and stabs clean Serene my caustic empathy and cleanse me in a stream." is just entirely strange... I get a lot if, cuz this piece is about dreams and dreams are skippy and weird, its just I think you could have made this less vague or developed some of the ideas that you just kind of kept rolling with for rhyme's sake... I will say to your credit that the flow at most times is pretty good, only once in a while is there a syllable miscount that irks it, but mostly it read fine, just a little head-scratching.
Quote:
Night caps contraptions from the breeze brings a extract frown
Side-tracked, distracted by the ease of the harp in the background
Now the visions are clear with the heart of hardcore clones
Silent fate this lustful dispute in the dimension of a war zone
Forsaken the cords playing to the retreat to covenants
Though the silhouette craving made lust more voluptuous
Silent killers dwell in the position of mind to murder me
And while I'm still awoke, preform open heart surgery
See the rebels show flaws when they kill the innocent
Living by no rules, displays what their independence is
In this dream and silent sleep never a sound so sweet
Was the alarm clock to alarm me, your almost out of the deep
Just death awaits around the corner, I can't prevent it
Romeo and Juliet fate the conclusion would be appended
Breathe and lungs suspended, for the lack of life
Was the willing to give up my brain as a sacrifice
The sorcerer was cuffing us in the spellbinding theme
So it all ended before I died, in the most vibrant dream
Doctor please give me something to make these dreams leave me...
I want to sleep easy, and have no worries any longer
Give me anything you have that might make me any stronger
The doctor proposes "Sorry to say, but I have nothing left...
I can give you an internal sleep, so you can evaluate death"
There must be some other way, or even a sick twist
So blow it away...BANG...my fear forever I live with
"Night caps contraptions from the breeze brings a extract frown" -the first line is so weird. I dunno. It's like you had just put the weed out and it sounded cool to you. How can you possibly "bring" an "extract" "frown" ? That is just ludicrous, so immediately I am like, "Fuck, this guy has no idea where he's going." Then it really gets going and I really get a good sense that this a dream, I'm not crazy about the flow, but I immediately got the sense of my own dreams, especially the bad ones, where the alarm clock is like the greatest thing cuz u know its over.. I was feeling it. This line needs fixing: "And while I'm still awoke, preform open heart surgery" It's awake... and perform is typo'd which in a collab is inexcusable, this should be read and re-read before being presented by whoever put it together, so, that's a fuck-up and I don't like the line... but overall a good verse.
Quote:
Keep moving on, the metaphysical is wishing
Without death, I am still in a critical condition
The literal rendition of blasphemy torn my eyes
Won't bring light to dark and yet I mourn at night
Born in fright and left here as a novelty animal
Wounds sting from bites of groveling cannibals
So I don't live in fear of what is known as false
I just don't think that I can live on my own at all
Droning calls with unknown cracks and splatters
But ignore my ignorance, it's no fact that matters
Demons have to scatter, but that's not good news
When you hide from an evil, that lives inside you
Doctor please exorcise me and remove the demons...
I'm stuck, my horizons broaden without expansion
Glued to the evil I allow, knowing doubt, it happens
But I can't be myself, taken over by the quick itch
Fuck being OK, Satan's the shit Christians live with
Starts off fine. Then this little ditty, "The literal rendition of blasphemy torn my eyes, Won't bring light to dark and yet I mourn at night" I wonder how it "torn" your eyes. Sounds idiotic. And if it won't bring light to dark, I don't get the conjunction "yet" for the next part, "I mourn at night." It's not a logical deduction, it's like saying "I'm hot, but I need a jacket." Just odd. The rest is nice desciriptions of a dream state and its fine, then this ending stuck out like a penguin in the sarangetti. "But I can't be myself, taken over by the quick itch, Fuck being OK, Satan's the shit Christians live with." The hell way is that to end this entire verse it never had the connotation of religion until that.
Oh-kay, everything I didn't complain about was good, so like 90%, I'm just trying to help everybody I feel like really analyzing line-by-line I hope you guys see what I mean and build from it or tell me what you meant by your wordings that maybe I missed.
Peace.