quick random thoughts

Raise a fist praise theorist wearing metal bracelets, resting adjacent,
placed in circus acts To be mocked and ridiculed to the sheep’s amazement.
In this dog eat dog placement… I’m embraced with enough love to feel hatred.
This mutiny inflates this animal farm theory where pigs bake
entrées of the meat from the meak, in dinner plates,
fed to cannibals whose destitute tainted salary destroys the weak in weeks.
s'il vous plait, the scrutiny can be heard in every presidential speech.
Zoinks shaggy, my subconscious is the man behind the monster mask,
Imposters clash to avoid every breach leaked to the sappy mass.
There is no truth… the lies accumulate to destroy the lower class,
in the government made by the people feeding the meter cash, want it easy??
Just swipe a politician’s ass,
And magician fast reality makes a disappearing act to fact, while the affliction,
is concealed behind smoke and mirrors like a coke addicts habits and addiction.
Let me address the average…
1 out of 1 minority pose a threat and lives without the code of omerta,
give them genocide so not to call it murder
just population control in truth police were just filling quotas.
Now we raise soldiers even if they do not enlist,
get drafted to some of those silent wars in the same street exist.
I put slow gps lines to my wrist maybe death will realize it found me years ago,
but behind in the time thank god google maps confuses roads.
My tears make flesh erode to tattoos showing tragedy faces, faithless Savages!!!
Use bible pages to excuse primal rages, a legion of Christian atheist,
kill in his name doomsday is within the radius, of apocalyptic sampiens.


http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthre...s-If-They-Know
http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthre...-want-to-fight

m8, don't lay out your bars in paragraph form, its not the way... can you edit this so its in lines

then i'll take a proper read, leave some thoughts for you

fixed it

uppen

Your intro is awesome, you cut straight to the chase.
Theorist wearing metal bracelets, and being mocked for sheep’s amazement
in a dog eat dog placement: (That’s not word for word) is great.
And then you follow that up with another killer line…
’I’m embraced with enough love to feel hatred.’
And then you continue these amazing bars makengknowcentz.
‘…where pigs bake, entrees of the meat from the meak, in dinner plates.’
‘fed to cannibals whose destitute tainted salary destroys the weak in weeks.’
Even though I like this line, the sound of the two words ‘weak and weeks’
I don’t know, ehh, you know lol. You raise the bar so high so then I pick on little stuff like that lol.
Sorry, I’m not holding back with the good or bad. So even though I like the lines, the meaning and what not, I can do without the same (sounding) word at the end.
The lines after these lines don’t rhyme as much as the above bars, they take a slight breather,
then go back to that crazy rhyme and flow again.

‘And magician fast reality makes a disappearing act to fact, while the affliction,
is concealed behind smoke and mirrors like a coke addicts habits and addiction.’
Nice wording, rhymes and metaphor.

‘1 out of 1 minority pose a threat and lives without the code of omerta,
give them genocide so not to call it murder
just population control in truth police were just filling quotas.
Now we raise soldiers’------------You’re so good at this! Imo, all of that was awesome.

‘…even if they do not enlist,
get drafted to some of those silent wars in the same street exist.
I put slow gps lines to my wrist maybe death will realize it found me years ago,
but behind in the time thank god google maps confuses roads.
My tears make flesh erode to tattoos showing tragedy faces, faithless Savages!!!
Use bible pages to excuse primal rages, a legion of Christian atheist,
kill in his name doomsday is within the radius, of apocalyptic sampiens.’

Silent wars in the same street? …Cool.
Maybe death will realize it found me years ago…interesting thoughts.
Google maps confuse roads, my tears make flesh erode’ ---I can go on and on and on.
That’s how I feel about your writing. Every bar interests me. I find every sentence fresh
and worded in a new way. I find your rhymes spot on, even when they’re not, they still work
because you have these amazing words that actually mean something deep, stuck in a solid atmosphere,
coupled with a very cool theme, zapped by your poetic electricity.

I’m loving it.

Great read.

(I really think you did this piece an injustice by naming it ‘quick random thoughts’
It would have been so nice for it to have a proper title because it’s a great piece of
writing that isn’t scattered and has a story line.)

Quote:

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Originally Posted by DEV

m8, don't lay out your bars in paragraph form, its not the way... can you edit this so its in lines

then i'll take a proper read, leave some thoughts for you

---

Eh, nah...it doesn't matter how you lay your bars out, doesn't change what the words are and what you are saying, paragraph writing is a more natural form of writing tbh lol

This is one thing I can't get with about RB, this snobbery about how your verse HAS to look, it really doesn't matter how you format the piece, what matters is what is in the piece and what you say, and the talent displayed. In fact, if you want to work on your flow, paragraph formatting is a great way to do that.

This was a cool piece, i think you used some words just for the sake of using them or for the sake of the rhyme scheme, which is something you should try to avoid, but other than that this was a cool little read, you tried to do too much sometimes, simple can often be better than something that is super complex, but good job man.