#46

Waltz in the shadows,
cloaked in darkness.
Oh how beautiful a
mysterious ensemble.
Tatooed in lacerations,
veins tango with pain.
Isn't it odd?
Your love goes in vein.

Befriend the silence,
nobody's heard her agony.
Let it whisper through wind,
her words may touch you.
Allow mother nature to sing,
to sing you a hymn.
She wants a child to grasp
and hold tight in her limbs.
Glare at the sky,
commiserate with Orion,
he'll teach you
how to put a twinkle in your eye.
Sing a song of joy,
give the locust's a rest,
for they are the music of the night.
Rejuvinate and replenish
your newly dry throat,
by dabbling amongst
the early morn' dew.

As the sun's curtain rises,
take a bow.
Oh how lovely,
was your midnight masquerade.

word, nice little freestyle. liked how everything moved together, and the emotion was deffinatly a present quality in this.

Allow mother nature to sing,
to sing you a hymn.
She wants a child to grasp
and hold tight in her limbs.
^that was nice.

Sing a song of joy,
give the locust's a rest,
for they are the music of the night.
Rejuvinate and replenish
your newly dry throat,
by dabbling amongst
the early morn' dew.
^favorite part.

everything seemed so open, and exactly what you were feeling. it's like making meaningless words have a meaning. very intricate and hard to describe, yet so easy to get. ;) if that makes sense. i liked it though, you're deffinatly in scytso for a reason kid!

- Nash

wow.

bump.

I like this.. you have the same style as Mindless and Atticus, but the way you write it is easier to tell waht youtr talking about, lol. This was a nice little sem-abstract piece... very well descriptive and the concept was pretty interesting.. it reminded me of that piece Topic wrote for SS just a week ago... the interesting thig was that this peice was simple yet complex..... the vocabulary and description was dope. However.. i think you meant vain in the fifth line.. i unno though

^ that is what my mother said too about the vain line.. but I meant for it to be word play. The love of self mutilation going into your vein. Kind of have to think it out a little.

Bump jump.

this was wack,but yea it was dope.

I liked the metaphors,hell ya the metaphors were dope as fuck, I often get stuck with metaphors, and I dunno how people come up with such dope meta's so good job on that dude. The storyline was nice I liked it,it was very original, and made for a very interesting read. I think this may be the first time I have read any of your work, and I have to sayI am fucking impressed. The imagery was dope as fuck too, I had a picture in my head of everything you wrote, it was so vivid and the detail was immensely precise, dope shit dude,real dope. I really loved this read and I hope to read more from you very soon. As Soulstice said you have the same kind of style as Atticus and Mindless, yet your peices are much easier to understand. Overall this peice was very good, I enjoyed reading it and I never got bored once, you drew me into this peice, and made me read on which is a very good job seeing as I have a very bad concentration span lol so yea dope shit dude, props.

Haha ya I definately found a similar style between this piece and much of my own works, I really liked this though. I feel like, if you are attempting to shoot for a style and approach similar to that of myself and Mindless's you definately on the right path... However you kind of faltered abit with your transitions. Some of the stanza's seemed alittle to distant from eachother. Abstract is and art, yes, but there's a point to which you can reach and the piece becomes scattered. Also, another thing you may want to work on is your diction. There was a few places where the wording could have been tightened up a bit. When you utalize the line breaks like that with extremely short lines it puts an even higher amount of pressure on each line to be perfect, since it's not like any section of the line has the time to fade into a greater section of sentance, because its really only like 8 syllables max. So, great start, a few places for you to work on but this was a cool piece; Had alot of lines I really liked, its just that you need to link up your lines alittle more fluently. Good job man.

^Thank you man.. i'm going to try and put this to use as much as I can.

Bump again I guess maybe?

As the sun's curtain rises,
take a bow.
Oh how lovely,
was your midnight masquerade.
^^
that was nice. i liked it

Waltz in the shadows,
cloaked in darkness.
Oh how beautiful a
mysterious ensemble.
Tatooed in lacerations,
veins tango with pain.
Isn't it odd?
Your love goes in vein.
^^opener was very eye catching.

i liked this overall cus it had hidden emotin othat made you read till the very last letter just to unveil the emotino and that was very interesting. this was a very interesting piece and nice read by all means. i liked your style and how you made it flow nice. i was saying it while i was reading it and it went off WELL!. very deep in metas and vocab and yes may i say like a style off atti or mindless but still very original and unique. nice man

^ thanks man.. Considering I've learned a couple lessons from atti, that would explain the similarities. Some of atti's pieces have inspired ideas for me to do my own and what not. I haven't really got the chance to do that with mindless but don't get me wrong I have read quite a few pieces from him. Especially in poetry tournies and what not.

But thanks and hope to see some of your writing.

pz.

-Whitey

really nice,,, giood drop my dude

last bump for me in here.

Just want one or two more good critiques.

Thanks... and if that is too much to ask, then leave links and i'll "rtf" if that is what you people need =D