Pride & Prejudice (IE topic)

Pride & Prejudice
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Pack. Leave a white girl
in broad daylight if you will,
neighbors call police.


Pity makes for company
but damn sure don’t make for
truth. Taking a stand for self,
makes an audience of you.


I have a key Mr. Caucasoid
Gay Man. for the last
10 months you’ve said hi
to me everyday on my way
to the mailbox. and now
you say, it is the police
on the other end of your
once extended hand? You
whom cut the tree from
in front of this house,
while she talked and I
stood in the doorway. Cause
see, I have a key. I have
permission to stay or
leave. Today I am merely
exercising the latter.
What’s the matter, Mr.
Gaucasoid Gay Man, does
my blackness now offend?


where is you priest lover?
Perhaps if he were home
and not at the church, God’s
word and Jesus’ love could
be seen, better yet, felt.



Our dance was haiku.
My girlfriend and I, season.
hibernation now.



She is not home, but
she wanted it this way.
For me to move, in the
afternoon, for my smile
was at it’s highest peak
then and she, wanted to
be in the shadows of a
work day, far away,
from tanning capabilities.


You never liked that
she called me morning,
but you once accepted
love as dawning. And
to think, you reminded
me of the North, here
in the South. Open-
minded, underground
railroad to stow safety
in. Pretence kills.


Today you stand on
the front lawn of my
relocation, with hooded
sheet accusations of
a break-in and burning
cross calls to law stations.
And all I can think is,
what would your Christian
pulpit lover think…black
man breaking up with
jewish woman? I never
claimed to be King of
the Jews, why do you
crucify me, Mr. Caucasoid
Gay Man?


These things. These
cardboard boxes
without corners or
New York Bridge decay.
these things. Clothes,
dressers, beds, living
room furniture and
computer consoles.
These things obviously
were 2 hearts beating
as one, mulatto. Are
you afraid I am stealing
her pure soul? Yes,
I have packed it up
in the suitcase marked
Uhaul and your neighbor-
hood watch tactics only
make me want to send
it to a lost that is never
found. Yes, I want her
to go unclaimed on
a conveyor belt. I want
her to travel to a short
distance over and over
again. Maybe the past will
be upfront, in my face
that I may not be doomed
to repeat it.



Yes Mr. Blue Suit White
Man with Black Partner,
I have a key to get these
things. And no I will not
thank the neighbors for
being concerned and keeping
friendly watch. Negro badge,
I know you feel like a nigga
now. So much for colbalt
codes of honor. But
honorable as a defeated
pharaoh, I am glad you let
your people go, acting as
another key, and not
a skeleton. There will
be no bones clanking in
your closet tonight. But.
Mr. Caucasoid Gay Man,
may your judgment be
grave deep. Your flesh home
of depreciation. I wish
your cold heart hell.


Forgive me massa for
I know not what I do.



Our dance was haiku.
too bad the music was low,
hummed our heat to sleep.



So baby, don’t think of
this as moving out. I’m
just on my way to Heaven,
to a familiar devil. The ghetto.

Alright...

So this is what i got....this was a piece that reaked of actually meaning. In the feedback you leave you commend me on my pieces being inspiring..so on and so forth..well you capture reality, emotiong..and real issues just as well as anybody...you took this topic n not only made it a great read but you made it powerful...you didnt direct your focus to narrow to leave anything out..you really just went with it and incorporate all you could to really move the reader....i enjoyed this piece, and felt the word choice n your depiction of race, sexual prefernce etc...were all much more moving then being blunt about it... the small little "chorus" like stanza's were nice transitions and kind of gave you a second to really grasp everything..overall, just a great piece ledg!

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by ledgenz

You never liked that
she called me morning,
but you once accepted
love as dawning. And
to think, you reminded
me of the North, here
in the South. Open-
minded, underground
railroad to stow safety
in. Pretence kills.

---

^^loved this piece...hopefully my assumptions were right that it was a large metaphore for struggle/difference between race etc...all in all i just loved the power behind it..


Keep it up...pz!

Thanks for the kind words Spekz, they mean a lot. Anyway, your are correct for assuming that this piece was a metaphor for a much larger issue, namely race relations. Thankfully for me however, the testimony I wrote here was not my own. But it still hits close enough to home that I am able to depict it in (what I think to be) a realistic manner. Hopefully, this piece, at the very least, will raise an eye brawl or two to the situation. Thanks again. Pz

Thanks for the kind words Spekz, they mean a lot. Anyway, your are correct for assuming that this piece was a metaphor for a much larger issue, namely race relations. Thankfully for me however, the testimony I wrote here was not my own. But it still hits close enough to home that I am able to depict it in (what I think to be) a realistic manner. Hopefully, this piece, at the very least, will raise an eye brawl or two to the situation. Thanks again. Pz

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by LedgenZ

Pride & Prejudice
http://afroclub.net/dating-bilder/in...ationships.jpg

K this is really long so i'll just look at a couple aspects.

First off, lets talk about line breaks. Now the line break is a component unique to written poetry (as opposed to the oral tradition), and as such is a pretty important aspect that can be played with. This poem does show some good use of line breaks, but i'll point some spots where it could be revised.

Pack. Leave a white girl
in broad daylight if you will,
neighbors call police.

[B](here, you could move up "in broad" so that white girl and "broad" become, in a sense, one thought grouping. Thus the words you leave on the end of a line become supremely important because the human eye always focuses and adds more weight to this last word before it falls to the next line. Through line break craft, you can add many double meanings and expansive, sometimes sublime indications of what the poem is "really" about, without ever having to dip into unneeded abstraction. This would connotate the derogatory sense of broad, as well as leaving "/daylight if you will/" standing alone, which seems really elegant to me.
so the line would be come

Pack. Leave a white girl in broad
daylight if you will,
neighbor's call the police
[/B]



Pity makes for company
but damn sure don’t make for
truth. Taking a stand for self, Here for example we have "truth" in a sense being the subject of "taking a stand for self" and it attaches itself to those words whether you want it to or not (though, i think you did want it to), a good way to enrich this line even further, would be to give a concrete example of truth and a specific aspect of the "self" you intend to represent both those abstractions in a specific manner.
makes an audience of you.


I have a key Mr. Caucasoid
Gay Man. for the last
10 months you’ve said hi
to me everyday on my way
to the mailbox. and now
you say, it is the police
on the other end of your
once extended hand? You
whom cut the tree from
in front of this house,
while she talked and I
stood in the doorway. Cause
see, I have a key. I have
permission to stay or
leave. Today I am merely
exercising the latter.
What’s the matter, Mr.
Gaucasoid Gay Man, does
my blackness now offend?


where is you priest lover?
Perhaps if he were home
and not at the church, God’s
word and Jesus’ love could
be seen, better yet, felt.


Our dance was haiku.
My girlfriend and I, season.
hibernation now.
This was really nice, because "Season" ties directly into the tradition and focus of traditional haiku in the japanese sense that it works really well, and also that relationships tend to travel through seasons of attraction, with the first bit being spring (rebirth, growth, joy) then summer , a long hot spell, but eventually autumn and then winter.



She is not home, but
she wanted it this way.
For me to move, in the Here lets look at "the". Now since this last word of a line gets so much emphasis, it's never a good idea (or very rarely) to end on a preposition or weak aspect of language (the, but, as, etc) because it deflates the line significantly and doesn't have any punch. Thus, i would recommend bringing up afternoon (and this isnt that much better because i think the both these lines could be revised, but it still helps negate the weakness of a "the" ending a line. also take out the repetition of "for", and ill drop the "was" because its passive voice


so it would become

For me to move, in the afternoon (not sure about that comma)
with my smile at it's highest
peak, and she wanted to be
in the shadows of a work day etc (these are just some off the top suggestions)


afternoon, for my smile
was at it’s highest peak
then and she, wanted to
be in the shadows of a
work day, far away,
from tanning capabilities.


You never liked that
she called me morning,
but you once accepted
love as dawning. And
to think, you reminded
me of the North, here
in the South. Open-
minded, underground
railroad to stow safety
in. Pretence kills.


Today you stand on
the front lawn of my
relocation, with hooded
sheet accusations of
a break-in and burning
cross calls to law stations.
And all I can think is,
what would your Christian
pulpit lover think…black
man breaking up with
jewish woman? I never
claimed to be King of
the Jews, why do you
crucify me, Mr. Caucasoid
Gay Man?


These things. These
cardboard boxes
without corners or
New York Bridge decay.
these things. Clothes,
dressers, beds, living
room furniture and
computer consoles.
These things obviously
were 2 hearts beating
as one, mulatto. Are
you afraid I am stealing
her pure soul? Yes,
I have packed it up
in the suitcase marked
Uhaul and your neighbor-
hood watch tactics only
make me want to send
it to a lost that is never
found. Yes, I want her
to go unclaimed on
a conveyor belt. I want
her to travel to a short
distance over and over
again. Maybe the past will
be upfront, in my face
that I may not be doomed
to repeat it.



Yes Mr. Blue Suit White
Man with Black Partner,
I have a key to get these
things. And no I will not
thank the neighbors for
being concerned and keeping
friendly watch. Negro badge,
I know you feel like a nigga
now. So much for colbalt
codes of honor. But
honorable as a defeated
pharaoh, I am glad you let
your people go, acting as
another key, and not
a skeleton. There will
be no bones clanking in
your closet tonight. But.
Mr. Caucasoid Gay Man,
may your judgment be
grave deep. Your flesh home
of depreciation. I wish
your cold heart hell.


Forgive me massa for
I know not what I do.



Our dance was haiku.
too bad the music was low,
hummed our heat to sleep.



So baby, don’t think of
this as moving out. I’m
just on my way to Heaven,
to a familiar devil. The ghetto.

---

I may do some more feedback later, but it takes a lot of time and thought to give real poetry feedback, so it may seem sparse.

but there is quite a bit of good stuff here. I still want you to excite the senses more, but the diction is good overall (if a bit abstract) and symbolism is relatively strong. Strive for clarity and stronger more immediate verbs. Remember that "-ing" participal verbs are generally weak choices because of their ringing tonality and sing-song clickity clack rhythm.

Whoa, thanks a lot for the feedback dude. I'm about to read over it again and see if I can tweak some of the areas you have suggested. Shit, it's been almost 2 years since I've taken a creative writing course, so I'm probably a little rusty. Thanks again man -- for real. Pz

Yea line breaks are good shit

I almost wish there was a place for like tips about writing craft, because i could just transpose some of the handouts my profs gave me and they'd be really helpful for any poet. Stuff about voice, verbs, point of view, details, everything really.

Yeah, I remember most of that stuff from when I minored in journalism and creative writing classes and traditional literary course were a required curriculum. But as the years have passed and my classes have become more specific to my major most of that information has either become second nature for me or just lost entirely all together. I've sort of become accustom to my own way of doing things now that I don't have a teacher looking over my shoulder and nit-picking my work. I always was a rebel when it came to writing, even in high school. Hell, I think every serious writer was at some point in time in their life, including you more than likely. For some reason I always thought I knew more than the teacher, which was never the case. *Shakes Head* I don't know, hard to explain. Anyway, thanks for the great feed all the same man.

Oh and by the way, this is just one of the many style that I like to tamper with when I'm writing, some of the breaks are much better, some are probably worse. It all just depends on what I'm saying and how I want it to come across. It doesn't always work how I envision it to, but sometimes it does. I guess I just like to experiment when I write. Does that make sense? lol

Oh i def agree with that shit. The best thing about knowing what the profs call "ruleS" is that you can break em in such a way that their just like "damn, that good shit", but still you get a grounding in effective craft/technique. I was pondering journalism, but i think I'll get my degree in Fiction (i still do lots of poetry, but think fiction is insanely complex and challenging, ie short stories) imma proly get a double major in english if possible. I'm working on a short comedy story right now, i may drop a segment on rb, but vbulletin isnt the best format for large word count peices.

Dude, fiction and mystery writers have my ut most respect. It takes a certain level of genius to be able to pull that shit off effectively. I for one would be more than interested in reading whatever you have to offer. So post that shit up!

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by LedgenZ

Dude, fiction and mystery writers have my ut most respect. It takes a certain level of genius to be able to pull that shit off effectively. I for one would be more than interested in reading whatever you have to offer. So post that shit up!

---

Have you ever read any George Saunders? Hes like the most genius short story writer in the north america, and does the craziest wierd shit, and at the end you're like, woooo , that's great


hes got a collection of short stories called "In persuasion nation" which is basically about consumerism and jesus it is funny but so fucking harsh and insanely good, i reccomend it.

been forever since ive caught a piece from you ledge. anyways, i kind of was thrown off at times but the 'preachy' nature some of the content had. it left a weird inconsistancy for me in the sense that the content went 50/50 on either shooting for real emotion or gunning for social actualization; while it could be a straight idea to try and use both in the end it just left me at a loss of the desired angle. as for the line breaks, im not really sure of their relevance, only for the fact that it seemed to be mainly aesthetic rather than an emphatic point of refference. i did like it, don't get me wrong on the subject and such.. i found tons of lines i loved and hit the heart for me. it's just a matter of contextual consistancy. hyped to see you still kicking around here writing. that collab will get put in the works man. we've got to come back.

I'ma have to read this a few more times before I can leave an elaborate feed...the rhythm of it is kinda making the topic hard to grasp for me....