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My Historical Self....
CHECK IN BY 5/11
VERSES BY 5/16 ****NO EXTENSIONS****
VOTES BY 5/20
You must write about yourself in as the main character part of a historical event (Ex; WWI, Christ dying on the cross etc). Also include a picture that may represent you and your role in the verse.
@Enoch Light @Endeva aka DEV
checkerz
lets make it a good one dev
damn bro only just seen this, aint been online in a few days
wtf, just been working on my verse, damn laptop froze, so had to force shut down with it still open... when I turned it back on it a fuckin blank doc, 40 damn lines I had done on the 'plague of London' ...all gone
A communal cup, toxic cocktails, the fumes erupt
Just a vision that stuck, listen my children, the systems corrupt
I’ve constructed a new life, structured religion, equal rights
Where people can live free from the fascist’s evilest plights
White Nights, gathered for prayer under the star light
Where fear incites tears, fear not my child . . . were alright
Dire times predict action from enlightened signs
This empire of mine, heavenly divine is our righteous minds
Ill lead the blind. Follow me as we leave these demons behind
The screams are God entering our souls, so peaceful in time
Release and be mine, sublime is such a beautiful sleep
Accused of brainwashing the people I’ve come to set free
Let be, my Socialist paradise built to nurture the seed
In exchange for beliefs, ill help in your search or your need
To speak to God himself if you lend me your hearts
And follow this path I drew to pull us back from the dark
"Drink My Children"
Cyanide brew, they start to stumble and fall
As the walls crumble around me I stand humble and tall
Encourage them all, DRINK NOW and salvation is yours
Poison courses their veins they start shaking, vision is blurred
Vomit surged, white foam erupts from the mouth
Seizures leading to silence until they feel what im talking about
Sleep Now . . sleep forever
http://media.npr.org/programs/day/fe...f-s300-c85.jpg
As I stand over 900 corpses my eyes start to tremble
A loaded handgun resting at the flesh of my temple
A gentle wind passed as I gasped a final breath
Deliver me from this existence, but forgive me in death
Pressed the trigger as the bullet entered my brain
The last thing I remember is that final second of pain
Goodbye Jonestown
I could here the bells toll, calling ships to come home
Flowing wave swell slow pawing nips till your nose froze
Within I am free from the confines of my shaded tone
Settled among scholars and musicians living life
Boston made it seem that right was above the hatred proned
My mother smiles knowing that days are no longer give strife
It was March 4th and I was fresh from the seas
Guessing from the need I walked with a stern ease
I've been here before, the Mulatto sailor and deckhand
Dispelling tails of Moby Dick or hidden gold in the wetlands
I would spend many days fathoming my luck of the draw
Stricken in awe to southerners the jist of my positioning
Telling the captain "How a free Nigger beckon a white man call"
He responding "He beckons like any true man beyond questioning!"
But now my feet knows the soil that I walk with confidence
This city is a mix of political views blended with opulence
Heading to the tavern I could see trouble born, creating
I continue to in where the scene was macabre, inundating
Fish stories and tales of revolution was quietly passed
Then decontaminating as eyes fixed on the Red Coats cast
Fare welcome to the British wasn't high on stock
And if time flies, I would ride it to the end of the dock
So I leave, naturally knowing that trouble now is hunting
Looking for unimpeded paths to the ship to collect my funding
Not knowing that outside the door was traps that fiend for freedom
"Look, there be one of those hybrid Negroid miscreants"
My soul shook from the bass tone that was spoken from this demon
The chill on my skin was broken as flash was a token recipient
A burning smell of flesh was stout, blending with increasing pain
I was hurdling to Hell in doubt, an ending from venting vain....
The very last images shown of the burning of the land I call home
A flooding of Red Coats shedding blood crafting a brand of its own
I didn't know that I was becoming a cry that would birth a nation
Fathering more than revolution but true freedom in resuscitation....
http://www.awesomestories.com/images...2112612.56.gif
Wow, hats off to the both of you for delivering such wonderful stories. I'm so impressed with the caliber of work here.
Ok, Enoch Light, I thought your verse was very well written. Not only did it flow without me needing to do a double take anywhere,
but the story told was free flowing and easy to read along to. I thought your use of language was clean cut and didn't fluff us around with fillers and such, so that in itself made it very clear for me. You had some stunning lines, and a wonderful outro that did your piece justice. I also thought the picture went well with your written work. Good job.
143, another good piece from you here, delivering the type of depth of knowledge and emotion I'd expect from you.
Also I found your language not on the difficult side, but much easier for me off the bat to comprehend. I think the language
you picked was suited to the piece and the descriptions added to your piece by giving it a thick atmosphere that we can immerse ourselves into. The flow was clear with melody imo, maybe in a couple of spots you didn't rhyme where I expected a rhyme but when I read on, it was because you changed your flow up, so that was clever and always a pleasure for me to see. A switch in melodic tone, done in a classy way, is always a bonus. I also thought you had a wonderful outro. Both outro's were great imo.
I find myself not really having negative things to say, bar a typo in 143's work, which is 'pft' neither here nor there for me.
At this level, a slip up in lettering is not really my concern. I found both these pieces polished and at a standard that's high,
and for that reason alone, it's not always easy to pick what's considered 'the better piece'.
So in all honesty, it all falls on...which piece I enjoyed more. And I think based on the story told, and the way the melody backed it up in a streamline way, not to say that the oppositional piece was not like this, but based on the one that gave me a little more enjoyment to read, I'm going to have to vote for Enoch Light.
Beautiful job fellas.
Wonderful talent on show.
V- Enoch Light
143: I like the shit people are coming in here this week. All these different variations and moments in history, it's cool to see what people are interested in on that front and what not. Live near Boston so I love the choice of the Boston Massacre here. Looks like we're coming from the voice of the black man in that picture you chose; at least that's how I read it especially when you seemed to hint at the end of slavery there. Fathering more than just revolution, but also freedom. Might be you just meant the dawn of the American Revolution and that's cool, but I also got the idea of the USA becoming born and with that the end of slavery was going to happen inevitably. Anyway, I liked the way you went about this. Felt like a bit of a different direction from you. Nice tone, mostly smooth read though sometimes syllable counts were off. Maybe this was a bit rushed since you had to come in for Endeva. Even so, this was still real solid. Made for a good battle and solid competition for Enoch.
Enoch: What a fucked up choice of history, lol. So... obviously I loved it. You got a great grasp for flow and rhyme scheme, clearly. Very easy to read line to line, and this felt well, polished. The most polished and well done verse of this week from what I can see. Think you killed it, personally. You nailed the tone and gave us this cult sensation, and that creepy as fuck feeling with what's going on. That picture too, jesus. Idk what to do with this world sometimes. Last few lines was real solid, good way to capture what you were talking about in history too. I love simple lines. Goodbye Jonestown captures a whole lot of things with just two words. Much better than wordvomit hoping to find some fancy elegant flow and all that.
v/Enoch: Just felt like the more polished verse, topic was gold, flow was great, and the enjoyment factor was there top to bottom. Most readable verse of this week as far as I'm concerned.