Thirty line limit.
House Rules (No biting or recycling)
Cody picks the topic.
Due 11:59 PM, Friday (Pacific)
Printable View
Thirty line limit.
House Rules (No biting or recycling)
Cody picks the topic.
Due 11:59 PM, Friday (Pacific)
@Cody Phoenix ?
Pop I apologize with diabolic eyes, I've given my all; realized and got lost to surmise,
Over the years, broken with tears we've fought time and time again and it's gone to just die,
Our relationship's been vocally erased within every spat, moment we've screamed to be right,
I can't accept the fact that I'm like you; I'm your son and you're me, my whole being inside,
you're a son of a bitch, the very thought of you has me thinking I'm the son of a bitch!
I'm done with this shit, I can't fathom our love, what it is, what it ain't, it's becoming a twitch,
my eyes glossy, glazed over like I'm nothing within, just the shell of a man who's hating his dad,
I'm pacing the fact, back and forth, up and down, a seesaw to my emotions that's playing on that,
you have me feeling like my life was a lie, like I'm rolling the wrong way or my grind isn't right,
Even after everything, still, I forgive you, what I'm writing isn't to make slights on your life,
I'm trying to right what is wrong, write what we've lost, so give me a minute of time,
if given in rhyme's all I can give you tonight, I just ask you to please just listen with eyes,
I'm ripping inside, the hearts torn down and slowly dwindling life to think this is 'why',
but you know what you did to our mom, so forgiving your wrongs is me taking the higher of roads,
Yes, I'm so very high in my hopes, I can just cope thinking that inside you were broke, needing a change..
And if being away was for the betterment of you, I can keep thinking the same, seeing your 'change',
because you never did anything but try to give us it all, even though you weren't even on walls,
this home was a home because you kept feeding us all, helping pay whatever we needed at..all..
And if I could see you again, I'd try to piece what it meant, being your friend and be in your head,
because, Dad, I've never needed a thing, but you've always made sure I had what I needed and then some.
Thanks.
@Cody Pheonix do you wanna grant ext or take the w?
what's the concept? i'll write after church.
Well, since you never posted a topic I'm assuming this is free topic... writing now...
@Cody Phoenix
2 Voting links homie and I'll Open this for votes
@Emily @Jukon why is this guy hiding replies or whatever? It says Late Bloomer replied?
Are you really that stupid? Votes are hidden in FL because it's automatic blind votes so that people can't ride other's.
@Kill Spree can you clean this shit up since the boy doesn't know what the fuck he's talking about?
Don't talk shit, I didn't know because this is my first battle on here. We can go again even if I lose, I'll just get better motherfucker.Quote:
Originally Posted by Behemoth
@Cody Phoenix we need you to provide 2 voting links or this battle will be closed.
Pop I apologize with diabolic eyes, I've given my all; realized and got lost to surmise,
Over the years, broken with tears we've fought time and time again and it's gone to just die,
so its about a relationship between yourself and your dad
Our relationship's been vocally erased within every spat, moment we've screamed to be right,
I can't accept the fact that I'm like you; I'm your son and you're me, my whole being inside,
okay i get it the fathers like the kid
you're a son of a bitch, the very thought of you has me thinking I'm the son of a bitch!
I'm done with this shit, I can't fathom our love, what it is, what it ain't, it's becoming a twitch,
right so yeah theyre relationship is confusing i get it
my eyes glossy, glazed over like I'm nothing within, just the shell of a man who's hating his dad,
I'm pacing the fact, back and forth, up and down, a seesaw to my emotions that's playing on that,
yup i get it
you have me feeling like my life was a lie, like I'm rolling the wrong way or my grind isn't right,
Even after everything, still, I forgive you, what I'm writing isn't to make slights on your life,
again i see your reitering the same thing here
I'm trying to right what is wrong, write what we've lost, so give me a minute of time,
if given in rhyme's all I can give you tonight, I just ask you to please just listen with eyes,
I'm ripping inside, the hearts torn down and slowly dwindling life to think this is 'why',
right so you the boy is confused how to repair his relationship with his pops
but you know what you did to our mom, so forgiving your wrongs is me taking the higher of roads,
Yes, I'm so very high in my hopes, I can just cope thinking that inside you were broke, needing a change..
And if being away was for the betterment of you, I can keep thinking the same, seeing your 'change',
because you never did anything but try to give us it all, even though you weren't even on walls,
this home was a home because you kept feeding us all, helping pay whatever we needed at..all..
And if I could see you again, I'd try to piece what it meant, being your friend and be in your head,
because, Dad, I've never needed a thing, but you've always made sure I had what I needed and then some.
i guess so i think the relatinoship could have been deeper you needed a bit more of climax and suspense in this piece it was too overstated most of it anyways i think you just didnt expand the subject enough yeah i get it theres a boy thats you who has a father who he doesnt like or whatever or just wants to improve their relationship it demanded more this piece you didnt get deep enough into the material if you get me
vs.
She believed in the cause, but her dreams were lost in storm clouds,
deceived by the laws of corrupt police plots, she'd become worn out.
right so theres some girl
The wife of a sheriff until a spree of shots sent him to an early grave,
now she bottles a burning rage in her heart, unable to turn thee page.
right i liked the way this line followed
Eyes dry, not a single tear drops, spite inside creates a leer on her face,
she disappears, not into the lord's embrace, but into the fear of those who escaped.
liked that as well
Loading the pistol, bullets soaked in holy water to smite the evil ahead,
these aren't people, instead a group of demons led feeble with death.
lol i liked this as well
She crosses her chest, deep down, she knows her story is blessed,
no longer a sheep now, the lion awakens by the jest of a glorious quest.
okay i guess
She let's the beast out, heels clicking against the sands of time,
her hands are fine, perfectly calm with only this chance in mind.
again was looking for more maybe??
They dance, unwind, crooked deputies rich from a dead man's pride,
one glance, one fight, she raises her arm from a stance of might.
i liked that this girl is pretty cool she seems chill
Bodies drop to the floor, cops and gore but not even God can stop her,
with him as her witness, they must all pay for the loss endured.
ehhh didnt like this
The click of that .45 repeats as her finger massaged the trigger,
revenge binds her heartbeat but suddenly she felt a barrage of shivers.
She begins to weep and quiver, free to mourn her lost husband,
no more chain, no more pain, she'd seen the storm of God's judgement.
ehh couldve been a better ending
like what if god came into the picture and seen all the shit between the society of the character the girl in question and was like yo what the fuck are you doing instead of kind of knowing this woman was upset because she lost her father as a child and her lover ends up getting killed in the end and god is kind of looking back like damn what could have been ya feel me i liked the emotion of your piece there was loads to relate to i think you couldve made the ending more endearing if you wanted to so i wouldnt take many weaknesses from this piece just work on your finales...
vote: behemoth i dont think it needs explaining it was obviuos which one was more diverse but just to reiterate why i voted for him i think cody phoenix was a bit bland it was the same old thing mentioned or understood about his peice of a son and father... there just wasnt enough to pull from his story... maybe try not staying to close to the topic that your story has no compelling thoughts to pull from the battle... yeah thanks for letting me vote on this anyways...
so once again vote: behemoth
Pop I apologize with diabolic eyes, I've given my all; realized and got lost to surmise,
Over the years, broken with tears we've fought time and time again and it's gone to just die,
so its about a relationship between yourself and your dad
Our relationship's been vocally erased within every spat, moment we've screamed to be right,
I can't accept the fact that I'm like you; I'm your son and you're me, my whole being inside,
okay i get it the fathers like the kid
you're a son of a bitch, the very thought of you has me thinking I'm the son of a bitch!
I'm done with this shit, I can't fathom our love, what it is, what it ain't, it's becoming a twitch,
right so yeah theyre relationship is confusing i get it
my eyes glossy, glazed over like I'm nothing within, just the shell of a man who's hating his dad,
I'm pacing the fact, back and forth, up and down, a seesaw to my emotions that's playing on that,
yup i get it
you have me feeling like my life was a lie, like I'm rolling the wrong way or my grind isn't right,
Even after everything, still, I forgive you, what I'm writing isn't to make slights on your life,
again i see your reitering the same thing here
I'm trying to right what is wrong, write what we've lost, so give me a minute of time,
if given in rhyme's all I can give you tonight, I just ask you to please just listen with eyes,
I'm ripping inside, the hearts torn down and slowly dwindling life to think this is 'why',
right so you the boy is confused how to repair his relationship with his pops
but you know what you did to our mom, so forgiving your wrongs is me taking the higher of roads,
Yes, I'm so very high in my hopes, I can just cope thinking that inside you were broke, needing a change..
And if being away was for the betterment of you, I can keep thinking the same, seeing your 'change',
because you never did anything but try to give us it all, even though you weren't even on walls,
this home was a home because you kept feeding us all, helping pay whatever we needed at..all..
And if I could see you again, I'd try to piece what it meant, being your friend and be in your head,
because, Dad, I've never needed a thing, but you've always made sure I had what I needed and then some.
i guess so i think the relatinoship could have been deeper you needed a bit more of climax and suspense in this piece it was too overstated most of it anyways i think you just didnt expand the subject enough yeah i get it theres a boy thats you who has a father who he doesnt like or whatever or just wants to improve their relationship it demanded more this piece you didnt get deep enough into the material if you get me
vs.
She believed in the cause, but her dreams were lost in storm clouds,
deceived by the laws of corrupt police plots, she'd become worn out.
right so theres some girl
The wife of a sheriff until a spree of shots sent him to an early grave,
now she bottles a burning rage in her heart, unable to turn thee page.
right i liked the way this line followed
Eyes dry, not a single tear drops, spite inside creates a leer on her face,
she disappears, not into the lord's embrace, but into the fear of those who escaped.
liked that as well
Loading the pistol, bullets soaked in holy water to smite the evil ahead,
these aren't people, instead a group of demons led feeble with death.
lol i liked this as well
She crosses her chest, deep down, she knows her story is blessed,
no longer a sheep now, the lion awakens by the jest of a glorious quest.
okay i guess
She let's the beast out, heels clicking against the sands of time,
her hands are fine, perfectly calm with only this chance in mind.
again was looking for more maybe??
They dance, unwind, crooked deputies rich from a dead man's pride,
one glance, one fight, she raises her arm from a stance of might.
i liked that this girl is pretty cool she seems chill
Bodies drop to the floor, cops and gore but not even God can stop her,
with him as her witness, they must all pay for the loss endured.
ehhh didnt like this
The click of that .45 repeats as her finger massaged the trigger,
revenge binds her heartbeat but suddenly she felt a barrage of shivers.
She begins to weep and quiver, free to mourn her lost husband,
no more chain, no more pain, she'd seen the storm of God's judgement.
ehh couldve been a better ending
like what if god came into the picture and seen all the shit between the society of the character the girl in question and was like yo what the fuck are you doing instead of kind of knowing this woman was upset because she lost her father as a child and her lover ends up getting killed in the end and god is kind of looking back like damn what could have been ya feel me i liked the emotion of your piece there was loads to relate to i think you couldve made the ending more endearing if you wanted to so i wouldnt take many weaknesses from this piece just work on your finales...
vote: behemoth i dont think it needs explaining it was obviuos which one was more diverse but just to reiterate why i voted for him i think cody phoenix was a bit bland it was the same old thing mentioned or understood about his peice of a son and father... there just wasnt enough to pull from his story... maybe try not staying to close to the topic that your story has no compelling thoughts to pull from the battle... yeah thanks for letting me vote on this anyways...
so once again vote: behemoth
She believed in the cause, but her dreams were lost in storm clouds,
deceived by the laws of corrupt police plots, she'd become worn out.
The wife of a sheriff until a spree of shots sent him to an early grave,
now she bottles a burning rage in her heart, unable to turn thee page.
Eyes dry, not a single tear drops, spite inside creates a leer on her face,
she disappears, not into the lord's embrace, but into the fear of those who escaped.
Loading the pistol, bullets soaked in holy water to smite the evil ahead,
these aren't people, instead a group of demons led feeble with death.
She crosses her chest, deep down, she knows her story is blessed,
no longer a sheep now, the lion awakens by the jest of a glorious quest.
She let's the beast out, heels clicking against the sands of time,
her hands are fine, perfectly calm with only this chance in mind.
They dance, unwind, crooked deputies rich from a dead man's pride,
one glance, one fight, she raises her arm from a stance of might.
Bodies drop to the floor, cops and gore but not even God can stop her,
with him as her witness, they must all pay for the loss endured.
The click of that .45 repeats as her finger massaged the trigger,
revenge binds her heartbeat but suddenly she felt a barrage of shivers.
She begins to weep and quiver, free to mourn her lost husband,
no more chain, no more pain, she'd seen the storm of God's judgement.
Pop I apologize with diabolic eyes, I've given my all; realized and got lost to surmise,
Over the years, broken with tears we've fought time and time again and it's gone to just die,
em wording fell off towards the end....
Our relationship's been vocally erased within every spat, moment we've screamed to be right,
I can't accept the fact that I'm like you; I'm your son and you're me, my whole being inside,
wow on some pharoahs army shit
you're a son of a bitch, the very thought of you has me thinking I'm the son of a bitch!
I'm done with this shit, I can't fathom our love, what it is, what it ain't, it's becoming a twitch,
sounds something mike millz would spit not bad keep trying
my eyes glossy, glazed over like I'm nothing within, just the shell of a man who's hating his dad,
I'm pacing the fact, back and forth, up and down, a seesaw to my emotions that's playing on that,
yeah you got a point but still felt like this was a bit choppie for one reason er another
you have me feeling like my life was a lie, like I'm rolling the wrong way or my grind isn't right,
Even after everything, still, I forgive you, what I'm writing isn't to make slights on your life,
needed some editing if you feel me
I'm trying to right what is wrong, write what we've lost, so give me a minute of time,
if given in rhyme's all I can give you tonight, I just ask you to please just listen with eyes,
I'm ripping inside, the hearts torn down and slowly dwindling life to think this is 'why',
okay this was cool i liked this it made more sense
but you know what you did to our mom, so forgiving your wrongs is me taking the higher of roads,
Yes, I'm so very high in my hopes, I can just cope thinking that inside you were broke, needing a change..
i liked this bar better it felt more dont knwo though the plot was a bit too friendly
And if being away was for the betterment of you, I can keep thinking the same, seeing your 'change',
because you never did anything but try to give us it all, even though you weren't even on walls,
this home was a home because you kept feeding us all, helping pay whatever we needed at..all..
again your just trying to please everyone its like you put too much into it or something i aint even know how to break it down..... still gotta give credit where credit due nice joe bro.. overall decent at best i would say because it felt like some of it was stretching or not making sense if you get me
And if I could see you again, I'd try to piece what it meant, being your friend and be in your head,
because, Dad, I've never needed a thing, but you've always made sure I had what I needed and then some.
Thanks.
deep man i liked it it took a second to get into but for real you definitely got some game if you spitting bars and like king rah shows up ever sumn the first champion at the netcees writers league if i can pull some meaning from those texts which is cool cause im on rb right now and i got nothing to do with shit without knowing what it means i want to know if you know something let me know yeah cause i did enjoy your effort more than it appears after first read... so that is cool... the way you can keep up when something changes so well see how it goes....
vs.
She believed in the cause, but her dreams were lost in storm clouds,
deceived by the laws of corrupt police plots, she'd become worn out.
ehh the same old huh?
The wife of a sheriff until a spree of shots sent him to an early grave,
now she bottles a burning rage in her heart, unable to turn thee page.
that was kind of cheap saying your going to bury him quick u know what i mean
Eyes dry, not a single tear drops, spite inside creates a leer on her face,
she disappears, not into the lord's embrace, but into the fear of those who escaped.
now that was deep i enjoyed that line
Loading the pistol, bullets soaked in holy water to smite the evil ahead,
these aren't people, instead a group of demons led feeble with death.
i liked this bit here as well
She crosses her chest, deep down, she knows her story is blessed,
no longer a sheep now, the lion awakens by the jest of a glorious quest.
okay again very well written
She let's the beast out, heels clicking against the sands of time,
her hands are fine, perfectly calm with only this chance in mind.
nevermind anything was better than nothing i guess
They dance, unwind, crooked deputies rich from a dead man's pride,
one glance, one fight, she raises her arm from a stance of might.
yeah but who was going to go down there to realize it
Bodies drop to the floor, cops and gore but not even God can stop her,
with him as her witness, they must all pay for the loss endured.
i liked this bit that was cool imagery
The click of that .45 repeats as her finger massaged the trigger,
revenge binds her heartbeat but suddenly she felt a barrage of shivers.
right that had a real folktale feel to it for real tho
She begins to weep and quiver, free to mourn her lost husband,
no more chain, no more pain, she'd seen the storm of God's judgement.
i love it this was an incredible ending to a nice piece credit wheres credit due.
i wonder if hte first battler noticed why his verse wasnt as strong and which piece was more diverse....anyways its hard to figure things out when you can only hear yourself im no immortal right so that means i dont live forever because they do im going have to go out doing my thing in thsi forum.. even if it does become a difficulty to attend... that would be stupid in some ways but thats kind of how the hip hop game is... i think most people would vote for the second verse but not realize that like the kid before him was real technical with all of his votes.... this was just a link for another battle that he had the same night... he figured out what he was saying but finding others who knew parts of the story and what it meant since it is now impossible to defend either angle in this battle.... dont know it was good battle
http://overall/overall/
god i dont knwo there were a lot of played bars in each verse some of the content was good and had like deep imagery but the concepts that they were both broken down upon were not illustrated enough however the concept that most of their stories were resting upon werent the most creative but i think the second one did that better and realistically he was probably the one who won the battle... but yes both need work and finding enough information to post on eachother in the first place i mean me personally im late bloomer i would love something nice to say about both of yall but yeah i think im just going to stick with the generic kind of verse since this is the second time ive broken thsi battle down and i just htink hes going to win..... thats up to me we see how the rest of hte votes go..
vote: Behemoth
Cody Phoenix:
• Shorten your lines. You're too focused on forcing flow and multis. Those pale in comparison to the actual writing.
• The first half of your verse you're saying the same thing over and over and over again. Brevity is king.
• "listen with eyes?"
• What did he do to your mom?
• You need to answer questions at the end of verses. A line about your mom would have been a killer kicker.
• There's no story here. It's all nursey rhymes about a shitty dad.
Behemoth:
• A decent little story about a wife fighting back against corrupt cops. A good start.
• You need to find a voice. Your rhymes sound like a 14-year-old girl's poem in a math trapperkeeper. Write how you talk. This whole site needs to stop worrying about making sure every syllable rhymes and just write the language you speak. Topicals should sound like Nas songs.
• Quit using old ass words that no one uses in every day speech.
• You got a good story structure. Just cut it out forced flow and multies/old ass voice.
• Also, some of your shit isn't believeable. Just tell a dope crime story and keep it simple. No holy water. No other bullshit.
VOTE - Behemoth
He had a good little vignette about a cop's wife. He needs to write like a 2017 human, though.
Cody Phoenix
I felt your verse. I can tell it was written with passion cuz a lot of what you were saying returned a similar tone line after line. You did tell a story about your feelings - but the imagery wasn't there. Your flow was spotty, you delivered your verse good and that I can credit to you but the storyline didn't really get put into perspective if you get me. You had some spotty lines that confused me along the way but you did recover well from that, however I didn't really see the picture you were trying to paint of this relationship.
Honorable mention
vsQuote:
Our relationship's been vocally erased within every spat, moment we've screamed to be right,
I can't accept the fact that I'm like you; I'm your son and you're me, my whole being inside,
you're a son of a bitch, the very thought of you has me thinking I'm the son of a bitch!
I'm done with this shit, I can't fathom our love, what it is, what it ain't, it's becoming a twitch,
Behemoth
Your verse depicted good into a dope story. I like the delivery - it was pretty dope adding multis to aid the flow of the story. I was able to thoroughly grasp the concept with every line as you detailed some pretty good lyricism with it. The line I bolded in the quote below was good, but I felt like the multis could've been less in the beginning line to really set off that second line in the bar. I lost the imagery there for a second but overall your verse kept me on edge and I enjoyed the read.
Quote:
She crosses her chest, deep down, she knows her story is blessed,
no longer a sheep now, the lion awakens by the jest of a glorious quest.
She let's the beast out, heels clicking against the sands of time,
her hands are fine, perfectly calm with only this chance in mind.
They dance, unwind, crooked deputies rich from a dead man's pride,
one glance, one fight, she raises her arm from a stance of might.
This battle was actually a good battle. Both had some decent topic presentations and displayed some dope penmanship on these pieces, but considering the strongest verse of imagery, flow & delivery - I'm going with Behemoth
v/ Behemoth
Cody Phoenix - Emotion filled verse about the dad. Definitely had plenty of ups and downs. Technically, I thought the schemes and figurative language was a bit simple, which is turn cause any imagery, character/story description, and emotional feelings to be a bit sub-par. Here are some of the examples of the good descriptive line (with diabolic eyes, eyes glossy, glazed over, although a bit 'cliche' the seesaw comparison) Your verse needed more of that.
The other thing, and probably the largest thing here. Is the what is your verse actually about? Or better yet, what is the meaning behind the verse? What did he do to the mom? Why is the son feeling this way? "Our relationship's been vocally erased within every spat" What were the spats about? What happened to the dad? Did he just leave up and leave and your writing to him? Was there a reason for it? The verse is so linear in the fact this just seems like a cheesy emotional letter an adolescent would write to their father that walked away on them. You really missed the depth of what you could have done with this verse and used a lot bars continually repeating lines that described the same emotion. Is the kid forgiving his dad because he's lost himself and just looking for something in his life that isn't there, when in actuality the dad shouldn't be forgiven in the first place. There was just too much that wasn't there with the story.
Behemoth Aka I fucked up and now my name sucks - Technically, flow was good. Had some decent description and imagery. ( "no longer a sheep now, the lion awakens by the jest of a glorious quest", "They dance, unwind, crooked deputies rich from a dead man's pride,", sand of time, barrage of shivers, storm of gods judgement")
Storywise, it was a pretty cool story. Definitely, not a storyline you often see. I thought you did great with the characters emotions and closing off the story. I do feel you could have utilized the other 10 lines you had to add a little bit to the bulk of it, so it doesn't feel as if the story progressed so quickly. Just for example, I'm curious as to how her husband actually died, what corrupt police plot. I get no matter what there is always going to be unanswered questions because we can't write books here or no one would ever bother to read it or vote. I do think in this case though, the verse seemed like it started and then just ended abruptly in one scene.
MVGT: Behemoth - With all that being said, I thought Behemoth had the better verse overall in all aspects of this battle. The story he chose definitely did him justice and he capitalized with some good writing.
Behemoth wins 4-0.
CLOSED.