-Haterade-

Would greatly appreciate any feedback, good or bad. lol.


A heart of gold or cold soul, we all grow old... People say I'm heartless & that I don't care... They resume their stares, so I reply with a menacing glare. You all think you know me, but you don't know my grief, when you die it'll be a relief. Then you'll suffer a fate beyond hell's gate...

Let me take some time to explain of life's cruel game... People endulge in lives that aren't their's cause they are scared, they want more for themselves so they delve... Delve into someone else's happiness, because they have none of their own, they just never stay gone... You can move away, feel forgotten... Yet these people stay rotton, just to the core, then when you come back they give you some more. How disgraceful & untasteful can you be?

All those who aim your anger at me, feel free to become my next neccessity... You think you've got me, while I'm down... You've just forgot who wears the crown... Go ahead & slander my name, it's all the same... Just as before, I'll even the score.

It'll be funny when you're thirty trying to be flirty, cause you're all dirty... Try to act fresh, when you're mess... Let me show you now bitch, I'll put you to the test to prove I'm best... Those who despise, those in disguise, even those undercover guys... They all took a shot, but you never seen me drop... Now watch as I make it back to the top... I got new games & my same ol' name. So you will know me when I march through & stomp ontop of you. With a new clique & a new crew. Keeping up with just a few...

That's right, there's new light shining down on my crown... I'm too high for you to reach you fuckin ass leech. I don't have to be on the grind to use my mind. We've left behind the past times, now watch as I grow into a success, just like I said I will be the best...

You might not have a clue as to what I say or what I do, but when I'm struttin thousand dollar suits spittin on you... You'll know that I have the money to get you knocked off, so think about that before you start poppin off.

Now I'll end it for all to hear, those who hate have all to fear, so make this a nice bidding... farewell & fuck you.

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http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthre...243/index.html

http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthre...248/index.html

sup man. .

I can tell you right off the bat, the most negative feed you are going to get is your structure

Type your stuff line by line, because it makes it easy on the readers eyes. The paragraph format, just dont work for text

other then that. . the focus was a bit out of place. Some of the ideas were good, but your still playing with building blocks as far as the multis and advanced vocab goes.

so, your not terribly bad, ive seen a whole lot worst. . just keep writing and keep elevating.

maybe browse the threads in the hall of fame to see what people look for as far as creativity and stucture

I agree with Kayge, your structure is a huge eye sore. For example, in your second paragraph I didn't see any rhyming besides game and delve. Also you mix up your rhyme schemes a lot. In the first 2 paragraphs, their long. Then in the 3rd paragraph they turn short, then in the 4th paragraph you had 3 to 4 words rhyming before you move on to the next. That messed up your flow as it created difficulty for the reader to keep a consist pace when reading your piece.

But you did come up with some witty lines. "You might not have a clue as to what I say or what I do, but when I'm struttin thousand dollar suits spittin on you" was a cool one. Your closure with Farewell and Fuck You was something interesting and funny. Also your point is clear which made meaning to the things you said. Only thing I would say to improve is to think out of the box with what you say, use comedy to engage people or go dark with details. I recommended using comedy since the farewell and fuck you was a nice close.