Hells Decision

When my body explodes I will dance the sacred dance
Because I’ve been reborn into hells fury and know not romance
I’m not sure of its identity but it has been uniquely disguised
Not for safety but only when the truth has finally been realized
Lies have been told from past to present, I’m considered hells defendant
Nature has burned because of me; hell is scorching to a certain degree
I have tried to overcome the negative energy with positive simplicity
The gates of hell breathe a certain breeze that often smothers
Transcending man so that we depend on the killing of eachother
Seven times out of ten betrayal enters the gloomy damned picture
Then you lose friends and lose focus on the fixture
Hell’s mentality has changed a depiction, then my hands stricken
I’m still oblivious to the transition and I’ve become sickened
My throat has tightened, I don’t have to accept my new found burden
I remember the somber voice from the first moment I heard him
He said “Your soul has been black for awhile no more laughs and smiles
Learn you deposition and take the lost soul to those very piles”
I’m stuck in the underworld trying to take my place as hells defendant
No matter how much the feeling eats at my limbs I must pretend it
I have figured out all of my thoughts beyond that mellow purgatory
But after all of the dreadful pain and disobedience god don’t ignore me

Upping for some feedback

Don't know if I've read anything of yours before. This is a nice piece of writing, but I don't know, it seemed a little contrived at times. Made quite a good read though. Metrically a little choppy, but not too bad. Keep writing.

pretty cool it kept me entertained till the end because of its internal content and story line like when u spoke to the devil or whoever u were speaking to.. matb i missed it

it seemed a bit heavy on the syllables in places thus making it a bit jumbled...to have 18 syllables in a single line takes a lot of craft in a poem


having multi syllabled words next to eachother not a good idea i'd say!

other than that you display a fine craft of the art

pz

Thanks for both of your insightful reviews. I'm not sure what a syllable even is I just write but thanks I will try to learn what a syllableis.

A syllable is like one individual sound in a word, eg. the word "fortress" has two syllables in it: "for-tress"

Or your name has 3 syllables: "Fore-sha-dow"

Thanks I understand.

this was a good piece shadow. one of the best ive seen from you in awhile. the concept wasnt too overplayed and you had a few nicely plotted twists in there. the flow, rhyme scheme and all that was on point. the imagery could have been more prevelent in my opinion but it was just enough to compliment the story line. my favorite part was the ending, which was a great twist; how you talked about hell the whole time, then in the last line switched to God. well done. seemed to be a very introspective piece.

hmm...deeper meaning in this? Like your trying to find god by doin all these bad things to get hom to notice you? Or am I digging too deep?

This was very good....emotion was well done as was imagry to me....internals were here and there....some lines were a bit long and carried a few too many syllables, but other than that this was well done...keep it up

Thanks..