Awoke from a Dream

Awoke from a Dream




I live in a state of disgust, Twisted thin cable with rust,
Painful and blood's gushin', Head concussion stainin' the rugs,
Ask for solutions, Cash and collusions,
Laughin' on shrooms and smokin' grass to mask the illusions,
Hide under the bed, climb, wonder and dread,
Hear the lightning and see the thunder instead,
Another conundrum I bled like a faucet,
Fuck medicine, tossed it in a trashcan, laughed and slept in the closet,
Shred another weapon agnostic views spread across the news,
Lose my socks and shoes plus the cost of the prostitutes,
I'm in Witness Protection to lift the suspicion,
I see my reflection and I still fit the description,
Committin' a crime's like takin' a picture of time,
It's the man who finally understands the feminine mind...
It's a stroke of genius, being awoke from my dream is
Like seeing this world for the first time like my name on a Dean's List...

My memory snaps, takes pictures of my identity's past,
I'm anxious, the pain hits and the intensity's maxed,
All the little things, the steady petty quibblings,
We're together so fuck whatever the riddle means,
I believe in God but I don't think he's aware,
Deep thinkers beware, you'll never see him, He isn't there,
He isn't fair, He isn't watching you closely,
God is nothing --- Everything He's supposed to be...
And if that's not enough, Just relax when it's tough,
When your pain hurts the worst it's actually love...
I'm shredded to pieces, broken and swept in the creases,
I'm a student of suffering and the lesson it teaches,
My question and thesis --- Why are we breathing?
Why say hello every morning to say goodbye every evening?
Why go through the motions? Why repeat the routine?
I always seem to wake up when I've found peace in a dream...

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...262/index.html
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...503/index.html

Saved for feedback, will hit you up first thing in the morning bro.

Ether. This was really well done. Kind of reminds me of some of my recent stuff style wise. Short, concise bars with melancholy/ic(?) content. Way to paint a picture.

"I'm in Witness Protection to lift the suspicion,
I see my reflection and I still fit the description"

Indeed.

Alright man,


Always a fan of your writing. Your Eminem style drunk rants. Your deep and emotional storylines. Your freestyles with the smooth flow and rhymescheme. Basically everything you've written. I've been able to enjoy. This piece was pretty damn good. You've got a wordchoice that nobody on RB can fuck with. It's just so flawless, almost professional. The flow was pretty fluent, set up a smooth vibe to it. Keep writing man, nominated.

Keep an eye out for "Once Upon a Life..." by Artificial Insanity.

best thing ive read on this site so far....

thought the first bar was dope as fuck....

I live in a state of disgust, Twisted thin cable with rust,
Painful and blood's gushin', Head concussion stainin' the rugs,

u testin my religion wit dis shit..ha

He isn't fair, He isn't watching you closely,
God is nothing --- Everything He's supposed to be...


peep dis
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...934/index.html
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...934/index.html


8/10

props man, thought this was pretty good, liked your rhyme scheme, couple of your transitions let it down a bit but overall good job, liked the closer

well first things first,ill,of course,when have you not dropped an ill piece,imagery was beautiful,flowed like water,loved your wordplay and multis,loved the vivid vocab,nothing i didnt like about this piece but theres not much i can ever find wrong with your pieces if anything..keep droppin the hottness as usual.~1~

hit up my piece its in my sig,appreciate it.

thx every1 i will RTF later

up.

I've come back to this thread a couple of times before just to read these verses... cuz for some reason I really like them.. but I haven't left feedback, and well, you know how that is. I've been procrastinating lol

Now, on to the feedback!
These are really great verses. To me, I enjoyed the first verse more than the second because it had a certain tone that the 2nd one didn't. In the first verse, it seemed as if the house that the person was living in was falling apart... and the person's mind was going down with it as well... he didn't care about anything really. Just the whole dark tone it had... I love it! It's a style of writing that I admire and also one of my favorite styles to write in.

The second verse seems to deviate from the first... not entirely, but in a way. It didn't have a setting, in contrast with the first verse, where to me I pictured him in a house, as I stated before, doing the things that he did (hiding under the bed, sleeping in the closet, watching the news... etc). Hmm.. you probably should put in a line or 2 that give some imagery, which will strengthen the mood entirely as a whole. I also noticed how you wrote about agnostics and god and what not, I strongly recommend you to look up Richard Dawkins and watch some of his documentaries upon the subject.

Favorite lines:
I live in a state of disgust, Twisted thin cable with rust,
Painful and blood's gushin', Head concussion stainin' the rugs,

Another conundrum I bled like a faucet,
Fuck medicine, tossed it in a trashcan, laughed and slept in the closet,

My memory snaps, takes pictures of my identity's past,
I'm anxious, the pain hits and the intensity's maxed,

I'm shredded to pieces, broken and swept in the creases,
I'm a student of suffering and the lesson it teaches,

That's all for the feedback, I hope I was able to aid you out in someway.
And keep doing what you do, you're a great writer!

Check out some of my pieces and see if you can give me some feedback on em too!

hey man thought this was really good, vocab an flow we're spot on. imagery was nice to. really liked
"My question and thesis --- Why are we breathing?
Why say hello every morning to say goodbye every evening?"

not much i can crit on this, keep it up dude