Untittled

I dont know what to call this one...Tell me what you think please :)...


Copywright © 2003 Samantha Jones

Ten empty beer cans sit upon the table
he wants to stand but isnt able
Nine alf-smoked roaches lying in the ashtray
This has became his life everyday
Eight hours just starring into blank space
seeing nothing before his eyes but her face
Seven unsmoked ciggerettes left in the pack
Regretting what happened, wanting to go back
Six more days will make the seperation a week
his lips tremble too bad, he cannot speak
Five more minutes before he breaks down and starts to cry again
Wondering what she is doing, and where shes been
Four times he has put the loaded gun up to his head
closing his eyes, then opening them, hes still not dead
Three times he has tried to forget the thought of her
only making it worse, turning his vision to a blur
Two lonely hearts, torn so far apart
crying alone for the other half of his heart
One lonely love-sick guy
Left alone in the world to cry


I was just bored when this was done..its not about anyone I know or anything..please critique

peAce

I was definitly feeling this peice. I sorta imagined the instrumentals to the Atmosphere song LoveLife behind it with Slug rapping it. Somehow it works in my head.

Anyway, this had a lot of creativity for a bored peice. I mean, the ten to one number system was not just inventive, but it was completly undisruptive. It worked, totally flawlessly. Doesn't get much better then that, seriously.

~Shalom~

Yeah this was a pretty good piece, it made a nice read, it flowed pretty well together, i was feeling this pretty good, the structure was good as well, overall it was a good piece i thought, keep up the good work.

Thanks for the feedback...I should be postin' some more soon...

peAce

hey that was good writing girlfriend, keep postin, will you pleez check out mine,

Rape.

i was really feeling that verse, i liked how you used numbers often to give effect...dunno if that was deliberate.

peep this
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...threadid=83624

and this
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...threadid=83290

thank you. vote honestly.no d/r crew or hate votes.

RESPECT

Alright, thanks for the feedback on my shit yo...I voted for one of your battles..and I did it honestly. I thought you were better than the other one. So I voted you...

peAce

hey thanx gurl,my battle with NeCrId has been open for like ever, didnt think it'll ever end like. Have you read 'Rape'? tell me what you think if you have. I'll be readin your rhymes in future, you write good stuff.

Thanks chica, I just got done reading 'Rape' and I posted on it. Thats a terrible thing and I know what shes going through...

peAce

he thanx...check your pms. i left you my addy so we can chat more. uppin on this peice peepz.

Alrighty.

peAce

EH HEH!!!!!!!!!!

LOL

LoL

nice piece girl. i didnt realize tha numbers till 6, smart rhyme. erm i duno wotta call it '10-1' lol i duno wot u wanna call it?
keep it up
peace ~roX~

Lol I dunno what to call it either...I was thinking about "reasons to cry" or sumthin..The number were just sumthin creative i guess..lol..Im still thinking on the name of it...Anyway thanks for the reply on it...

peAce

i dont understand this peice is active but sum itty bitty closed ya 4:20 peice. im confused, but whos Samantha Jones????


:whacky:

lol Samantha is me dawg..yeah i know they closed the 4:20 piece...

peAce