I smoke a lot.

I smoke a lot...The Mad Tobbaconist
Massive cancer risk
Smog's part of me...clogged arteries
*Cough*
Start to wheeze
*Cough*
Hard to breathe
*Cough*
Heart disease.

I drink a lot....Belligerent Bourbon Brain
A different sort of pain
Existing in a mist in the midst of the pouring rain
*Burp*
More liquor
*Burp*
Pour quicker
*Burp*
Sore liver.

I lie a lot...a multitude of excuses
What to do with the bruises?
My brain as much a noose as the booze is
It's nothing new, I'm a nuisance
*Beep*
Frig it, it's past nine
*Beep*
Shit, it's a pass-time
*Beep*
This is the LAST time
*Beep*
......flatline.

This was pretty dope. Short and sweet. I enjoyed the concept but I'm a depressing prick so of course I would. It was very fluent. Could there have been more depth to it? Of course. Does it hurt that there wasn't? Depends on the reader I suppose. For me. It was good the way it was. Short and to the point with just enough of a creative impact to make it worth reading. Good stuff.

John, I just don't think you've fucked up your body like me and Darryl have! This is a perfect description of the life of a habitually smoker and borderline alcohol haha Seriously though, genuinely masterful. You became a beast! I will give better feed tomorrow!

for those who sacrifice a man of right, not just a man of right, but a true man of right... must seek water ... or seek sea

I was JUST about to say that.

i said it though

Clever use of Tri bars and staccato lines. Definitely feel that this can be one of those don't smoke shit right now commercials with the fine ass bitch with the hole in her neck and cum streaks drying to the orange juice embers of a Kools short telling me not to partake in the ritualistic animalistic orgasm she is convulsing on taking a drag and her eyes fill up with nicotine splotches. Yeah definitely can see this....

what up witness!! its good to see you back posting my man, you know we go way back buddy, this was a great piece of writing fam, short but fucking explosive, brief words that just cant hold the impact, the progressions after each cough, burp, beep, they were precise and honed into a level of connection that gives us more than a glimpse, reading this made me really imagine scenery and see things and subliminally makes the mind fill in the blanks, particularly i loved the beeps, the ideas of how a beep can just be attributed to so many situations of life, its fucking insane, and the potential of that thought calls out to be expanded on. mechanics were great and the vibe was something in it's own, a fresh breath and pretty inspiring. thanks for the read!

people don't know how to deal with these situations, but they stay strong.
What a beautiful story.

True.

I'm also a beautiful person.

Physically.

This was dope i can relate to this piece. I wore the same shoes as the very large statistic being portrayed in this poem. Also your accuracy on the discriptive language of real life addiction and ware and tare on our health and soul..idk lol guess im trying to say is man i actually know all three scenarios so that automatically grasped my attention.
Nothing really surprising here witty...but simple and dope.

I liked this. Now I see its flaws and it bothers me.

Flaws or no flaws you floored me with the great honesty of a what a fucked up situation can do to the brain, can do to the person, can do to someones life, can do to make you feel that you alone are in a situation where no one and nothing can pull you out of the abyss.
Its not easy to write in a style thats not the norm for rb so i take my hat off to you witty for staying true to your instincts and listening to your intuition where your craft is concerned. you quite obviously dont conform to the norm or whats expected or what you think might impress and by doing just that...you impress.
you're always a pleasure to read and tbh, ive missed your work so this was a treat to read.

those pauses you had, the coughs and beeps and so on, just added to the machines i heard in my imagination and knew that in the end, the beep would just go from beep to beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep. flat line.

you make me shiver with such organic reality.
you hit home with a huge slap and it makes me want to break out of the way i usually write and dive into the deep end.


so for that Witty, I thank you.


Great work.

Yo this was cool Witty. The most concise verse I've read in a long time. Conveyed a message eloquently in a very originally poetic manner. Refreshing read. You'd make fine moccasins.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by MizzDelicious

people don't know how to deal with these situations, but they stay strong.
What a beautiful story.

---

noooooo Selena still hangs around!! damnnn hahaha

as for this, it was dope. like a really simple vibe yet effective. i liked it a lot

I didn't see any flaws.. short and to the point on every line basically.

I can relate to some parts of this which is just enough for me to feel connected.

I liked the beginning the most.. thought it was the strongest.

You're wording in each and every line was phenomenal.