Lenox Ft. SamaJae [Lords Commandment]

Lenox Ft. SamaJae [Lords Commandment] SamaJae: born in a storm wit his ass bent, he's been fucked before the past tense
welcome to america where the good lord will leave you reaching for a pedistol
when opprotunity knocks you arent there to answer it, indulging in liquor
and cancer sticks.. waiting for the moment.. to see who's holding "death"
i've danced with the bitch, she was a slow mover i didn't mean to kill her
with the hoopla, smoke trails.. hukah im guessing that was a bad manuver
snooped ya in reference of the dog, eyes cloudy from the presence of the fog
at the end of the road cause i never seen me falling off, massuletof
taking a sip to the scripture of how i had it all mixed up in my skinny jeans
looking for a chick wit a big butt, selling dreams to get a big buck,
speaking irrelevent issues these dried eyes dont need a tissue
my born with problems are evidential kinda like a special print to
the lords comandment is what im stepping into...
"I'ze been fighting all my life" shit i should've took jujitsu
im only glad that man i never had show'd me how to pick up a pencil
and for everything stated above i forgive you.

Lenox: Economically were trashed in this Odyssey of wrath/
Abdominals getting slashed from a guy behind the mask/
Bombing atomically in the past now were asking god for the cash/
I spend my last nights stoned killing every cat in sight with the Microphone/
Stab you in the back then take behold of the righteous throne/
I'm the smoke in a crack pipe that won't leave you mind alone/
Back in 09', my mom died in my arms/
That's why I spend time putting violence in my bars/
I strive to reach beyond the stars/
Don't believe in God but I wanna be upon the option to see flying cars/

Samajae: Don't use words if you can't spell them, it's just not a good look. This wasn't really good to me, but I've noticed stretched lines seems to be the norm around here so I guess I'm the idiot (not really). Nothing "wow'd" me. Everything was much too basic, and with those hella long lines your flow was fucked up.

Lenox: I enjoyed this, more than Samajae's. You have a good grasp for rhyming, especially if you really are 15. Now all you have to do is hone that ability. The one complaint I have again is the lines are too damn thing. Cut the filler out and just say what you have to say. I'd take brutal honesty over forty word bars describing a sunset like I see on forums like these ALL the DAMN time. Cool beans though brah.

Thanks man I appreciate the feedback

why didn't you leave the one i had up called Learning? idk why you reposted this..you got get use to rb i see..and the way it's formatted we will never get feed..but thx anyway..

Alright first off... I'm new here yes Samajae you're absolutely correct.. And the track name learning is pretty wack homie.. U still have it set up as learning and nobody gave feed.. At least I got feed.. Just because I'm new doesn't mean you have to talk down to me.. I have been nothing but good to you and this is how you treat me?

LEAVE THE KID ALONE YOU BULLY

BTW I WROTE A REEEEAAAAL EMO PIECE. YOU DUDES SHOULD CHECK IT OUT.

wasn't being mean or trying to argue wit you bruh i was just saying...damn nka be cool..and zen thanks for the feed..

Zen what u mean emo?

IT'S THE LAYMAN'S TERM FOR DEPRESSING SHIT

Nice

I'm just gonna be critical here for the sake of helping you guys out.

Ntalek, I think you need to organize your rhyme scheme a little more. Your verses are hot and cold. It's like you'll add an internal rhyme or two but forget to rhyme at the end of your line. Then there's times were there almost no internal rhyming but you'll rhyme at the end. Almost reminds me of Storyteller/Method. I think if you really say down and polished your bars instead of posting rough drafts from the heart / top of ya head, you'd have some really nice material instead of average rust stuff. Not saying it's completely bad. Just your rhyme scheme is average. Wording could be better, you drop slang randomly sometimes and I feel like that kinda fucks it up. Especially for readers like me who aren't gangster lol. Overall not a bad verse, just needs polishing.

First off, don't put those / at the end of every line. That looks noob as fuck. If you're writing, be a writer. Use proper grammar and punctuation. Secondly. I see you have potential with your rhyme scheme but you're still really simple. Instead of rhyming the same word 2-3 times in a line. Try rhyming 2-3 words 2-3 times in every line. Being you're fifteen and new I'd start out rhyming two words maybe twice in each line. And that's line, not bar. Your wording is pretty clean, I'll give you that. Bit I feel like your storytelling is slacking. Try telling an actual story, beginning...middle...and end. Rather than just rhyming lines with a topic. Also. Show, don't tell. The key lesson to imagery. Describe the scene, the emotion, the everything. Don't just tell is little Molly was playing on the swings. Esplain with detail a specific element of her. Her golden locks waving with every motion. The noise the swings make. The breeze across her face . Details man.

Overall a good read, just polish it up gents.

That should all be directed towards Samajae.. I did my job.

You'll never get better with that attitude.

No I'm being serious.

But anyways thanks for the feedback

Ya actually your write.. I really do appreciate the feedback and I'll try to better myself.

QUIT BEING A BULLY LENOX.

YOU COLLAB WITH DUDE AND THEN YOU JUST THROW HIM UNDER THE BUS?

What's with the caps? Lol chill

I like using the caps because it makes you think I'm yelling at you.

LIKE RIGHT NOW BOY

But really I'm sitting in my room, drinking heavily, and laughing at this funny fella on TV. That David Letterman sure does crack me up.

NOW WHERE MY FEED AT GIRL

Lol

You're a good kid. Stay golden, Pony Boy.

Peace

Try not to quote or post repeatedly, everyone in this thread. It's disrespectful to other people who inhabit OM.
Responding once to someone is cool. Hosting a conversation, about relatively nothing at that, is a no go.
At least, I believe so.

My opinion about these verses is that...you both need to take Antihero's words into action. He's told you the mechanics side of what you need to do. Just the mechanics. That alone will take you far though. Once you get that down, I'll watch your progress and try to offer some words on what to work on afterwards.