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ATTENTION Professor Frost,
This automated notification is a friendly reminder for you to provide (2) links to other member submissions that you left adequate feedback to.
There are a lot of levels to this piece.
Minutes turned to days, days became weeks,
Weeks turned to years, the tears had dried on his cheeks
Bent on revenge he usurped his father's crown, King of the God's now
That was my favorite, it didn't contain the most content, or the most depth, but I'm a fan of flow and this just sounded great in my head.
I do think that sometimes the rhyme was forced to fit, and I do think a couple of the synonyms used were unnecessary other than the rhyme. But even with that, this was a really powerful piece. A son being cast out. It sort of made me think (and maybe this was your intention) that "what if" Jesus was actually cast out by his father? What if he wasn't "sent here" to die for us or to cleanse our sins. But instead was cast out because God felt threatened by his benevolence. Crazy to think about. Maybe even Satan himself. What if Satan was God's child who he felt threatened by. Everyone in heaven loved Satan and God was jealous and cast him out, and fabricated lies about him which is why we all perceive him as evil.
I digress...
This was very well written. It was very thought provoking (obviously). And I thoroughly enjoyed it. I look forward to a potential collaboration, and also to reading more.
You covered 2 of the angles this piece stands for. It has about 5 more angles. One of them is personal that only me & another writer on this site can identify with.Quote:
Originally Posted by Nixon
Bumping for feed~
Wow @Professor Frost .
Craaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaazy layers of depth here, lots of inner thoughts & probably personal bars, probably to the likes that will go over most of our heads, admittedly maybe even myself included. I've read it 4 times now, and keep seeing new shit I didn't pick up on the first time. I dig pieces like that, because there's always re-read value. Lovvved the internal schemes, vocab, & multis used throughout. Must say off the bat, In a strange way I got a little - Cross Movement (if you remember them?!) meets Killah Priest meets Holy Grail meets a lil' Black Sabbath type of vibe & perspective from this piece personally, kinda hard to explain that, but if that kinda makes sense, lol.
The title at first threw me astray, and set me up for what I felt was gonna a weird Jazz-theme Bible reading piece, and while there were plenty of biblical & religious references I caught... there were some more deeper struggles going on here. The POV of an Outkast!?... The responsibility of Power?!... Extreme Confusion!?... Childly Anger & Misunderstanding!?... An Ultimate Sacrifice?!... Fear of the Unknown?!... Destiny!?... Father/Son Relationship?!... Maintaining Hierarchy!?...etc-etc. Prolly many more themes I'm missing too. Completely thought-provoking, and makes me as a reader think about my own decisions and fate I've been given. The title, and the order of Acts (3...1...and 3), presented more confusion as well, which I'd like to believe was your intention to add even more depth & mystery to this.
Criticism-wise, I don't really have much, as I think writing this piece does & means more to you, than us readers. I kinda agree with above, to fit sooooo much depth & content, you did have some rhyme stretches & forced the flow off track at parts. Because all the focus was on layering your lessons, I think the formatting (differing bar lengths, flow, word-count, etc) took a back seat a little more than I would've liked. I would've liked you to find a flow/delivery pattern, and ride it a little more consistently. I didn't necessarily understand the choice of your title. The end kinda left me with more questions than answers too, so I didn't get my big pay-off & conclusion at the end. Even for those points I'm reaching though. This was a well-written deep piece that (in the right mood) could inspire people to re-think and/or re-evaluate their responsibilities and actions their parents did onto them.
***....A friendly suggestion I would give is... something THIS deep and mysterious, at times, could feel dry and dense to the unenthusiastic reader... and could feel like a daunting task to review/give feedback on (hence is why I think heads are slow to reply). Not trying to show my age/experience here, but *many moons* ago I got started with online text on Loud Records board, and one compliment I got from a label rep moderator that has stuck with me through ALLLLL these years of my career and life is - there's a difference between [simply complex] & [complex simply]... and (from his perspective) at already a young age, I had knack for being "complex simply". This basically meant that while being completely complex is definitely an expert & talent, there's often a large level and amount that unfortunately goes over people's heads, and often times arrogance/bitterness that comes with trying to get your point across...SO - a person that could instead take a complex theme or POV and present it in a more simple way & format for the laymens to understand it, but still feel not dumbed-down and still be laced with humor, excitement, or deeper metaphors/messages/entendres/etc that could be picked up on later - is much more powerful & influential writer. Think about it, when you decide to start penning your next piece.
My fav parts included:
Quote:
"Son tried to manage the gravity of this savage
His sanity was radically sandwiched,
Between love & tragedy, ravaged-
Above seams of vanity, "bandaged..."
"...Needles of past history stroked his lobes, like it was sewing them open
No streams of thread to hang onto, he drowned without knowing the oceans..."
"...Immoral foes missed it when their leader had caste sin from this abandonment
Wrath was passing wind that the heavens would be saved by his banishment..."
As a whole, I dug this alot, and I hope others take the time to over-analyze this like I did, lol. Futhermore, I Wish you luck & success on other future rhymes bro.
I'm so happy bro, I didn't even finish reading your feed yet. I'm honored to know that somebody has recognized 9 different themes from this piece.Quote:
Originally Posted by doctorJ82
Before I delve into those themes, I just wanted to say thank you for the comparisons and your sense of genuine gratitude for my writing. That fires me up and makes me want to drop better verses.
Alright.
Father/Son Relationships - The main and easiest one to identify
POV of the Outcast - This is shared by the Father & The Son. Both were controlled and held back in life due to...
FEAR OF THE UNKNOWN! - Due to this one, the family line always would be afraid of usurpation which caused....
EXTREME CONFUSION - The fathers of each generation assumed that...
AN ULTIMATE SACRIFICE - Had to be made in order to retain their positions in...
MAINTAINING HIERARCHY - But the craziest part is that they tried to handle...
THE RESPONSIBILITY OF POWER - By attempting to alter the unknown. Also known as ...
DESTINY - And by doing such a thing this caused...
CHILD ANGER AND MISUNDERSTANDING.
And thus, my story was made off of the basis of these themes.
There's a few other themes that could be connected to these but you got it all.
And there's 1 last angle that only me and another writer could connect to
But, yeah bro.
I just had to quote this and respond before I finished reading your feed. I am impressed by your reading comprehension skills. Good grief dude.
Thank you so much for that advice.Quote:
Originally Posted by doctorJ82
I'm going to try to keep consistent flows and format my material in ways that can keep an audience appeased. Humor, excitement, deeper metaphors, entendres, formatted in laymen's & consistent flow.
My next large scale piece will try to follow this criteria bro. We'll see what happens. Thanks for reading, again. I'm determined to do better now.
No doubt bro... Lol, I have years of bitterness to people not giving feedback on my posts/rhymes at various sites until I earned my rep & status... So whenever I do have time to read & review, I at least try to go all in... So don't mention it. And I agree - the more feedback & active readers we get here - the more rhymes & verses that I wanna drop as well. Hopefully things pick up. :)
Links:
http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthre...Taking-It-Back Piece of shit, tbh. Nah jk. This is a nice brag piece by Truth. Not that long either, worth a minute to read.
http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?476587-huh Funniest thing on thee OM's current first page. Hands down.
Recent Work:
http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthre...*ProFro-Remix* [Sensual Read.]
http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthre...ntre-de-Volcan [Near a nomination with this one.]
http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthre...t-R-amp-R-quot [An old school favorite. Major potential.]
http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthre...106-Letting-Go [Storyline on a family's line of men and their struggle for peace of mind.]
Hehehe, I see you liked my "recent work" links approach. Lol
I did because I use to do the same thing back a few months, it's a nice lil reference lolQuote:
Originally Posted by doctorJ82
http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthre...Velvet-Fortune
I did it in the month I dropped this, I think that's April or something
"Genesis Blue" is Poetry at it's finest. I've never read a better flow in my life to be honest. That may be a strong statement but it should be quite flattering knowing that my words are the truth. Your multis fit perfectly with what you were writing about so that improved the flow of the piece even more. Plus my enjoyment throughout this piece was truly special. Your multis that you presented were a 9/10. Your rhyming scheme 8/10. Your flow 9.5/10. My enjoyment with this piece would probably be a 9/10. Well done.
Damn yo. That means a lot, thanks for reading. I really can't even come up with a good response but just thank you.Quote:
Originally Posted by Lenox
No doubt
Wrong thread.