The World I Know

Cloudless skies recreates images of grey,
hoping the rain will wash away our sorrow and start the day anew like nature intended
Yet we broke away from nature's intentions
We are all beautiful in our own way yet we overlook this and hate, despise one another for petty and foolish things
Our crystal minds entwined with visions of this deep depression
Artificial Intelligence reign supreme over the weak-minded and ignorant
Ideals and philosophies re-written and re-shaped to benefit the ones in power
Can't spare a dollar for the homeless but can spare a million for a condo in Miami, you know, the one you will hardly be in
Blacks and Hispanics killing their own race just because they wield different colors
Pointless wars waged all in profit for the ones lurking in the shadows
A world where we are plagued by diseases that cripple our hopes and dreams of achieving our most soughted realities that now remains fantasies
A world where religion has gotten millions murdered for the faith they believe in and the word of the one who leads them who is just as evil and corrupted as the one they preach against
This is the world I know but the world I know is a living one, able to adapt to re-directed paths if we choose to change our ways so we can realize we are all one
Share the same heart beat
The same passions
The same soul
A world where I can love a woman and not mistake it for lust
A world where we can all live in harmony under skies once cloudy now parted to unveil the sun rays being hidden that now brightens our very existence
A world I want to know.....and will know.

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...524/index.html
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...371/index.html

very interesting poem, mang. I felt like there were a lot of strong parts, but some wording issues in certain parts through me off; it's like you'll write a very cool line, then follow it up with someone that could of been good if it was worded better.

A world where I can love a woman and not mistake it for lust
^ great line, probably my favorite in the poem
A world where we can all live in harmony under skies once cloudy now parted
^ but followed up by this. It's ineffective and drawn out.

Overall I really enjoyed the poem and certain aspects of it. Just do some tidying up and it will be good.

firstly

Quote:

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Artificial Intelligence reign supreme over the weak-minded and ignorant

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best line of the poem.

secondly

lmao @ spanja, very interesting poem, mang.

now..

nice little poem here. at first it started off nicely. i liked the feel and vibe of it, but it slowly started to become more cliche.. not that it's a bad thing, but it can be. you brought up a lot of nice points here.. all of which are completely true. you had nice language and word choice. the only thing that kind of threw me off was the structure, not really the shape of the piece but poems read differently based on how the piece is constructed. there weren't many line breaks, which leaves the reader in one though until it breaks. which again, ISNT a bad thing but can be. it didnt really make a difference here because you're thoughts were complete, and not left for the reader to think about. a simple piece, worded well.

nice stuff.

thanks for the feed everyone, sorry for replying so late, just been busy, thanks for all the tips, always accept higher learning

Im real new to this poem stuff so i can't really say much but i enjoyed reading it man it was a nice topic and it some awesome lines in there

"A world where religion has gotten millions murdered for the faith they believe in and the word of the one who leads them who is just as evil and corrupted as the one they preach against"

Was a really cool line man.Anyways all i gotta say is i thought this was dope (:

thanks for the feed MCdodne

I'll say first your structure is annoying as fuck and cuts up certain images. Also, some of your images are cliche, over used and overly romantic at moments.

That all aside, you have a cool style. Very classic, not flowery and feminine, just kind of old school language. Some of your images are great, others are lacking. Always work for new, organic ideas to throw in. Don't force things. With your structure, narrow it down. Don't chop up images. If you have a sentence with a thought and a comma, break at the comma and let it ride out on the next line. No need to cram dude. Also, be weary of a forced rhyme... sometimes it can screw with the piece's ability to truly speak because it sometimes gets huddled into a rhyme scheme.

Overall, not bad. Keep writing, posting, and returning favors... which I'd like you to do :)

thanks for the feed spoken, always accept info on how to approve. I do understand that this was somewhat of a cliche, as everyone has mostly pointed out. I was just thinking about how the world really is since I do much research and I was up at 3 am and had to write about it or I couldn't sleep. So ya I understand that but I wanted to post it anyway just to get feed. As for the sctructure....I'll work on it lol. Always seek higher enlightment

Reading it like a song it seems to flow fine, but everyone talkin about structure is right. The break in thoughts isn't well defined to a casual reader and so some of the statements get lost in the mix. I write a jumbled mess myself, sometime I take more time breaking down the straight paragraphs into bars then I do writing in the first place...so, to that degree I'm not sayin much...real nice piece regardless, the food is there, folks just need to get they fingers dirty!

thanks for the feed E.N.E, always accepting higher enlightment

i hate to tell people how to write their stuff but you really need to work on where you place your line breaks.

the way you structure a piece is more than to make it look a certain way, it also will create pauses for the reader and emphasize your message. you have a lot to say, and you have some thoughts that shine through in this but you have to be able to convey your message properly. i suggest you play a fucking adrenaline pumping song as loud as you can, go fucking nuts, then sit down and write. your words need to be fuel injected. you need to capture the reader from the first word and at the end you want them to be like "fuck..."

ya I know, everyone been saying I got a problem with the structure lol but I'll work on it most definite, listen to hype songs? lincoln park :).

On a side note does anyone know how to include a picture in their poem from the internet?
Im trying to include one but it is giving me problems and I need it for my poem, help anyone?

man i enjoyed this but damit the structure took so much away from this.not to say it wasnt good but u just couldnt get a continuous flow going yah know so that was that. the content i thought was on point though it was very descriptive and you did a great job painting a picture with your words...i think the one thing i can take from this is the imagery of the words and i thought you did justice to the topic..

Quote:

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Blacks and Hispanics killing their own race just because they wield different colors
Pointless wars waged all in profit for the ones lurking in the shadows

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man this is so true great job relaying this message so many people are ignorant to this fact and i love to see people write political thought provoking poetry...great post i love to read more of your stuff..

i know there's been a lot of focus on your structuring, but i understand this was a stream of conscious rant of sorts. so it was more about releasing your head as it comes, than discerning line breaks, stanza formation and punctuation. however with that being said, again, as previously stated as well, a lot of your insight lacked any truly original analytical point. so to a reader, even though it's not a very long piece, this becomes an extremely daunting piece to tackle. each line is so long winded that you lose the readers attention span and draw further attention to lack of innovative content. it more so reads like a list of complaints.

also, you should try and proof your work to make sure all of the word placement and choice is as seamless as possible. the first line for example, i thought was a pretty nice image, but because you incorrectly added an 's' to the end of almost every word, it reads very awkwardly and loses the power the image originally had. things like word placement and choice are difficult to hone because it relies on your own understanding of such to make the decision of what works best. the best way to train yourself to be able to recognize this is just by reading other authors works and discern the difference between a stanza that rolls off the tongue, and one that feels choppy or oddly broken up. with a good sense of word placement and choice you can manipulate a reader into enduring exhausting lengths of content, due to the fluency of the words. the piece seams to just run into itself perfectly to the point you almost have to read on.

in addition to above, try working in some more techniques like emotive language, metaphor, personification. all basic poetic technique will add body to your words. despite the obvious concern in the tone of your lines, it felt a bit artificial and short of any true heart. you can fix this generally by delving further into a single topic rather than tackling fifteen or so like you did. each line in this piece could have essentially been stretched into an entire piece all it's own- filled with delving language of emotion in relation to; graphic imagery that creates unique pictures that illustrate in support of your emotions.

keep writing; keep reading.

This is quite touching, I find myself thinking along the lines of what this is getting at each day. The world needs a hero I can say that much for sure. Your not the hero, but your certainly the herald in my books.

Keep writing!!