The Land of Living Skies (Will RTF)

Just to let yall know:
Saskatchewan is my province/state
Saskatchewan is a Indian/Native word that means fast flowing
Regina is the capital city
Saskatoon is the largest city, I live in

The Land of Living Skies

…In Saskatchewan
when the autumn hits,
the streams are "fast flowing,"
The essence is accepted
but the burden is denied knowing.
Everything is dust
except it’s swiftly fluent,
the native studies’ is eloquent
to the gifted student.
The adolescence is so eager
to be an older soul,
school isn’t an option,
so their anxious to know.
Curious screaming in anxiety,
with wonder for my province.
I scavenge for a sense,
but its formed an connotation.
The native people have elevated on this land,
cause the older it’s age; the greater it’s grand.
There’s a lot of free space
for a barn and a void,
no wonder all these people are
so darn paranoid.
There’s a lot of racism,
but the bigots are profound,
cause if you’re fat like a cow;
You’re spotted on the ground.
Laying in the mud, in the dirt;
Cause it’s your bath to release.
All the cattle is relinquished
and the wrath is a plead.
So fat like a piece of beef
with a craving for the paste,
the ghetto is absurd with hunger
but it’s ludicrous to taste.
Regina aint all curling
Towards a man that’s living lies,
Cause Saskatoon is roaring
in The Land of Living Skies.

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...sm-365353.html
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...oy-368638.html

tbh im not a poetry buff, so i wont be commenting on mechanics,
are you Native?...just wondering cos this has that element,
i noticed it cos i know it, the idea of belonging, history,wanting
to discover your own identity in the face of colonisation,
adding the options up, moving forward cullminating at a point
of understanding and overcoming the odds ending with a
sense of empowerment, almost pride...thats how interpreted
the story as i went along...i dont know how others will
interpret this, but for me i connected, and thats always dope,
good read...real talk tends to be, stay up... peace

thanks for the feed, and no im not native. i'm french canadian with a native accent because of where i was raised up with, natives. lol

This Was Decent. More Descriptive Than EMotive In My Eyes. Nice Use Of Mettaphors Tho. I Enjoyed The Sense Of Belongin' To Somethin', & Bein' Different Was Weird To The Tribe/Community/Etc. I Want Go To Deep Into The Surface As You Prolly Know Wot You Included, Plus The Other Dude Hit It On The Head I'd Say. Take Care & Keep wRitin' Dude. 7/10

Oh PS. Can U Return The Feed To On The Face Of Us All?

It seems to me that this has a personal feel for you man.
It was a good poem simplistic but effective. You got your
point across very well but i do feel that this piece lacked
some va va vum IMO.... It was emo and i guess you
didn't need to make it as tangible as steel but nonetheless
a job well done. Stay up and keep this forum active.

Hit me with some feed. Here is the link!!!!!!!!!!
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...te-368724.html

My bad it took so long Para..haven't been on in a while...but I thought this piece started off with a great feel to it...with the simple wording and a bit of rhyme scheme in the beginning..I thought you had it flowing real well together..the emotion was there but what I particularly liked about this piece..was that it kinda gave the reader a eagle eyed view so to say...with some of your imagery...so overall I felt that was a tad bit original..and basically I enjoyed this piece..so good drop..and wut Is it with you and steaks these days..??lol..

ok thanks for the feed, i dont see how scientific thinks this piece is so simplistic cause it's packed of synonyms and such. anyway thanks for the feed everyone, if you wanted me to feed your pieces please leave links ok. keep the feed coming.

Link For My poem. http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...ll-368776.html

aight i got that link right now. uppin.

not much to say about this one might of been a little better
if you just left out the info at the beginning just to get people
to think about what its about and find out for themselves that
its your town you're talking about or w/e but
yeah this is good though overall it was
nothing complex or simple
it still had a nice feel to it because it was more of a personal piece
i could see that and i could kind of see where you were coming from not bad 7.5/10
edit
hit it if you want
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...ty-369349.html

uuppin

Fuck You Bitches Feed My Shit!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...on-371606.html

Feed me feed me please

like dude above me somewhere said this poem feels majorly personal, and you had a lot of emotion with in it. I really loved the metaphors and imagery with in this piece, and I understood what you were talking about which makes this even more enjoyable for me. I probably have told you I have Family in Regina. I really loved this piece and it could be the best that I have read from you. good work para.

Quote:

---

Regina aint all curling
Towards a man that’s living lies,
Cause Saskatoon is roaring
in The Land of Living Skies.

---

I really loved the imagery in the ending .

thanks man.

Sorry it took me so long to get to this but yeah better late then never.This piece has some feel that I can feel if you know what I mean.So me personaly loved this piece.You didnt try anything to complexed you stayed pretty simple which is great some time.Your rhyme scheme was a nice usage of shit.The emotion and imagery in this piece was very well worked out so yeah heres your feed hope you enjoyed.Hit up my piece for me.

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...nd-371730.html

cool. up

This was definetly a personal piece that stood out with great emotion that no other person can relate cause ugh...they aint you. lmfao but i can understand ya know....anyways dude....this piece was structred simplistic but the meaning and way of words and meaning is definatly above par and at this level dude i think you have found your touch and nac of getting people to read...but i aint a huge fan of rhyming though poems do rhyme aswell but i just aint all that on rhyming....as i have sayed a million times it holds back from actually expressing with words how you feel....cause yo have this burden in you that you have to hyme the ending lmfao...anyways dude nice poem dude props on elevating man


hit this link
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...ia-372148.html

^i feel you, but i found rhyming helps the flow. especially the flow of the read.

I ment to say something on this awhile ago... BUt i didnt...but here I am...

This piece is filled with emotion... The power that comes from your writing literally makes you stop and reflect on life. The imagery was brilliant. It was as if you painted it and simply had a title undernieth. So good...
The structure and rhyming made it easy to read... Ders may not dig rhyming, but its a big part of my style aswell. So I really think it helps keep the reader interested and adds something beautiful to the flow when you say it out loud.
This is a great drop...People needs to read this to see what poetry is.
Loved it
hit ma sig?

thanks a lot man, sounds like it was pure enough for a nom? thats what i think people sleepin on. regardless the reason why Open Mic and Poetic Scriptures shouldn't be deivided, they should be the way forum.

Really nice read man, the emotion was really close to the chest seeing as you used REAL LIFE feelings -- inserted them into your brain cells and then typed what you wanted to. Real nice. Again, emotionally on point. Imagery was pretty dope too, a lot of vivid/visual lines that stood out quite a bit more then others. Wording was pretty straight, nothing too complex and nothing too elementary. Flowed well at that. Pretty creative drop, original read. Keep typing/writing.

Very descriptive i could feel the emotion in it and how you felt about your land homie I liked it actually imagery was good keep at it

this should be nominated regardless of what ders thinks because ders is a idiot sometimes ok ders so run away now friend because you know this deserves it.

Good piece i enjoyed it, there was a great mood about it and it really felt from the heart as i read through it. Your emotion was very nice and your imagery good aswell. Your use of language i thought was great and the wording worked with the piece very well, as i said it felt like the piece has a very special meaning to yourself which is always nice as it helps get in the zone. Great piece man thanks for the read, hit this please...

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...ft-376220.html

-Messy.

thanks yo. up feedback will be returned.

Okay, i thought this started off well. I liked how you approached it, free flowing but not all over the place like so many pieces on here can be
But then it began to get tangled up in itself. The lines became more deliberate, the meaning and feeling wasn't quite as evocative. Like writers
fatigue was kicking in. But even then you can see you have a decent pen.

Below:


the native studies’ is eloquent
to the gifted student.

^^Not sure whether this is a good or bad line. Are YOU the good student? If you are, it's too conceited and self-righteous i think. If not,
then it's a good line.


but its formed an connotation.

^^Just grammatical and it stood out. Should be '..a connotation'.

There’s a lot of racism,
but the bigots are profound,
cause if you’re fat like a cow;
You’re spotted on the ground.

^^I'm not sure why the bigots are 'profound'. Am i missing something?

and the wrath is a plead.

^^Sounds like it should be '...wrath is a plea.'.


It was good, deffo something to build on.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Floating Tramp

Below:


the native studies’ is eloquent
to the gifted student.

^^Not sure whether this is a good or bad line. Are YOU the good student? If you are, it's too conceited and self-righteous i think. If not,
then it's a good line.

you should probably relate some of that to the line coming before that or after, there's a little creative jesters to it. but from just that line there, native studies is a class you can take in school, eloquent means 'expressing yourself effectively' meaning the student is expressing his self as a smart person.


but its formed an connotation.

^^Just grammatical and it stood out. Should be '..a connotation'.

i totally shouldn't have used that, i didn't know what i was thinking. doesn't even make sense to me.

There’s a lot of racism,
but the bigots are profound,
cause if you’re fat like a cow;
You’re spotted on the ground.

^^I'm not sure why the bigots are 'profound'. Am i missing something?

i'm making statements about my province basically. racist is a bigot but a bigot is more just a dislike to another rather than hating them with passion.
the cow line was filler, i tried to go for a metaphor with the spotted shit, cause we have lots of cows in my province. I have friends that do retarded shit to them like stab them and shit haha.

and the wrath is a plead.

^^Sounds like it should be '...wrath is a plea.'.

you're right.


It was good, deffo something to build on.

---

thanks for all the feed man, if i really wanted to make this better i could, it would just take a little editing.

^Dude, i know what the words means. But i still don't get half of it.

Still, you say it was a quick write, so there's gonna be mistakes and all that. Fair play.

ok i've known you a long time and i see vast improvedment in you after coming back after so long.your poem flows smoothly almost like you can hear a music behind it.in some parts you tend to try and push the imagery too much and therefore end up cracking the picture you are creating.you bring accross a beautiful image when you do let yourself go.this is a good poem overall do to that.try to let your words flow a little bit more natural is the only advice i can give you because you seem to have the rest.