Yup Yup
Topical= Another brick in the wall
Lines: 16-26
Time: 2 hours (Check in- whenever, but time starts from this post for both)
Yup G/L
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Yup Yup
Topical= Another brick in the wall
Lines: 16-26
Time: 2 hours (Check in- whenever, but time starts from this post for both)
Yup G/L
Ight check-in good luck
http://d.yimg.com/us.yimg.com/p/rids...r502249211.jpghttp://www.phil.uu.nl/staff/rob/texts/rania_al_baz.jpghttp://www.masters-of-photography.co...n_dead_man.jpg
Another brick in the wall
A brick was placed in an organized wall
For every sin that a person would draw
The letters VMB stood for our god of savior
A god who would cleanse the sould of a traitor...
I heard a scream walking towards my shelter
I saw a man with a woman, and i stood as he felt her
I went to help her, and was worried and panicked
As i seen my life ahead of me, then the image vanished
As he ran towards me, I tripped over a rock
As i hit the ground, i had heard a shot
I seen the man with a gun, with smoke in the barrel
My mind went sterile, as i felt a bullet hit my marrow
My back went into shock, and my body was helpless
As the man stood grinning, as to be selfish
The other woman ran and jumped, hanging on to his shoulders
The gun went towards me, as the man fell foward
He got up and began beating the woman aggressively
His grin was big, and his impressed look was testing me
I slowly moved my hand over the gun as my fingers wrapped the trigger
As i heard someone behind me, my mind painted a figure
As i seen VMB swoop and said you have committed sin
But you also risked your life, so live and let your journey begin...
My mind tired, but my feet still walking
The sun was torcherous but i kept stomping
3 Bricks i carried for the murder i hauled
As it was worth putting another brick on the wall
Another brick in the wall…
http://tbn0.google.com/images?q=tbn:..._small_dof.jpg
Rashly inhaling dust particles searching for oxygen
the lack of it, makes me queasy- uneasily efferent
enthralling the scenes as if I was a passive being
busy trying to exit the feeling of invasive freeing
from the body, I tackle back the rhapsody of death
smoke slithers in depths in my lungs with each breath
leading invitingly to end my fight for what was sacred
Acrid with dead legs, dread led me to scream out instead
of trying my best to unlock this lock on top my chest
I never wanted in, always kept away from the beginning
sinning, with women as objects- stock figures singing
me tunes of get rich scams or schemes now locked seeing
a black wall, yet one rectangle of light mangles my sight
feeling pain yet delight, could this be God believing
I should be given a chance of freeing my soul from plight
Spied me with his wife
a minister, shamed he tried
to talk sense
I took it for nonsense
Intensity cause to mock hence
was too late to show grievance
now wilting as a withered incense
Calling out aloud to signal I’m stuck in a shroud
of brickwork, I see him come closer, near about
close enough, “Help me sir! Hear my call!”
If he had said anything…
It was blocked off by another brick in the wall
Good luck and good battle, now Bumpty^
>> im lost what the hell going on here??
It's a topical battle.
werdQuote:
Originally Posted by Baron P. Mortuus
seriously lol - its like nothin yet....... but anywayz uppin this for sum votes- or atleast feedback from those who cant poll --
We both will return all the favors honestly as we stated above
i loved this honestly, it flowed wonderfully and it was so wel thought ot i just loved it i cant say more!Quote:
Originally Posted by .:~Digital~:.
This battle was meh....but basically one sided by the more experienced writer...
Digital - your drop was good but lack in areas like..imagery...emotion..and wording...grammatical and spelling errors.you had the better take on the topic of the two but Baron just worked his better...though that played a lot in my final decision you should really take your time when doing topicals because all of that matters...
Baron P. - yet another dope drop...your first line drew me in with the imagery provided...you put the storyline together well...the flow and content was consistant and never lost at any point in time..and it just seem'd like every where Digital lacked were your strong points...and therefore my vote goes to you....
v- Baron P. for above reasons.
Both Pieces had their own quality but I was feeling Baron's more, I think his verse was more imaginative and the words he used appealed to the sences, although I think at the beggining it was a lil over done, but as you moved to the end it began to balance out. Kinda reminded me of a story by edgar allen poe were a man locks another man in a wine cellar and bricks him up alive, it was a very good story. Anyway, Digital, I liked the face that you came simple and still got a very dope verse across. I think your subject matter was actually more dee but the words werent, and I need more of a visual. So for that I give it to Baron
YupUp^
Werd thanx 4 votes uppin--- plz vote - and ill get around to Returnin the favor - but i was workin on a battle track so i havnt had time today plus was busy wit a cuzins birthday
Uppin
. .
^^^Up.
.
Come on peepz give us feed. votes, somethin dont sleep .
Bumpt up the piece, i'm writing this so you see it and go hey...Lets go leave an honest one :D or maybe your going to scroll past and do nothing better than sit and stare.
hmm....I need to come short because I don't have alot of time. But Baron got this for coming alot nicer with emotion and being more creative with the topic, though Digital you came nice and had me intrested but just didnt top Barons verse.
Sorry I'll usally leave a hell of alot of feed, but I'm at my school comp lab and it's closing so I'm going to get to the point, the topic was pretty interesting although the concept for both piece's weren't that creative at all, the story line of digital was full of plot holes big ones at that you need to work on your transitions famo, baron had an better overall vocabulary and organization it's just it wasn't that appealing to me and your flow didn't do it any justice either, digital you need to work on all of the aspects of writting, but I gotta give you your props for battling such an established head, just keep battling your writting style reminds me of a friend named forum he and I started off just like you give it a month or two you'll get there famo, baron descent, but no where near one of your beter piece's.
v/baron
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=326656 - hit this link up both of you please............................................ .....................................
Digital ur pieace was too basic you shoul've put better wording ....I didn't really feel the emotion, ur structure was okay but this pieace didn't really have good a good image .......this was kinda boring to read next time you do a topical put a twist in it or something ight
Baron ur wordplay was decent structure was good it could've had better image but ur image still was better than digital's u ended it ina good way keep writing no hate v/Baron
both pl hit up my battle against kid blitz plz
Thanks man, i checked the link with honesty and appreciate the votages..all y'all leave links that will be honestly checked by either or both of us- Me and digital that is.