From the thoughts of an Artist to being Invisible

Part I (Thoughts of an Artist)

http://img.villagephotos.com/p/2003-11/500360/brain.JPG


I'm going to open my mind the only way I know how…
Really, here I go, watch, just…

Watch…
The conflict of interest from business afflictions
to witness the bridges between the past and the living,
the condemned and forgiving, abomination of faith
sporadic hate mixed with fate projects a lifeless waste,
Make haste! The ingredients are thrown from above
As I wonder how to create what I've never heard of,
Daydreaming of darkness, and nightmares I find
To the eyes of the visionaries frozen in time, so

Gaze…
upon the fragile frame of a weathered imagination
convulsing in the breezes created by death's snicker,
The bickering of demons cast by hell's flicker
and the Devil's nation rises to the occasion,
Splattered hope dispatches constellations on white
as rats connect the dots on the falling tear drops,
You can't slap a price on the ones time forgot
as night entices fright to come out of the light, all

Because…
Life is random in tandem with fate everlasting
and the mind of a poet grips the enchanting,
The steaming of breath rising up to the sky
Gods and angels alike, breathe the same air as I,
Sever the strings attached to deception and lies
to the invisible it's critical not to be outlined,
Alas, the thoughts of this Artist are humbled at best
all pouring out at once through this hole
In my head…


http://img.villagephotos.com/p/2003-...idecartoon.jpg


Part II (Sporadic Randomness)

Let it out...
Slowly...
just breathe Ben, breathe,
count to ten,
one, two, three,
forget it,

fuck it,

my mind is a whirlwind of thought that
cascades off the peaks of desire and lust, the things
I strive for are a stride out of reach, the things I have, I
left a step behind, when the wind washed away the sand
and the waves washed away the dust, settled in the puddled
mesh they tell me is my brain...

Ring Ring!

The devil calls me a conundrum, always makes fun of me in
ways and with words I don't care to comprehend, because
alas, it's funnier to make fun of someone in two ways...
I feel as if I could burst any second, sending forth shards
of the thoughts I didn't know I knew, or maybe I knew
I knew but just didn't care to know...

Lies!!!

I think with my motions, weaving in and out of nothingness
to become something...ness? no, english never suited me
and doesn't suit anyone who doesn't want to wear it.
I would, but they say it doesn't fit me,
my shoulders are too big, too much muscle from carrying traditions
and customs I don't know how to drop, habit is in my blood,
trying to find a way into my soul, but forever failing because
I wear my soul on my sleeve, and use it to
wipe off imperfections.


Part III (Invisible)

I hate being fuckin invisible, not noticed by the one I want, just
a waste of space, there with no purpose, worthless, it hurts,
still, even though I tell myself to forget it, to not
be bothered with it, to ignore it, I hate giving up on things
I haven't truly tried, and I can't ignore feelings, no matter how
badly I want to, I lay in bed at night, with sickly chills from
the cold shoulders, imagining what might be, and what never
has been, day dreaming in a blackness that engulfs me in
its abyss, I want to put my arm around you, to hold you, to
feel the beating of that thing inside me that's been lost for
so long…
I want to tell you, to look into your eyes and see you peer
back with rejection, because then at least I can know for sure,
and if that time ever comes I will be there, possibilities in hand,
waiting for you…

From the thoughts of an artist to being invisible, my mind wanders
aimlessly, lost in itself.

Wow is all I have to say..in all honesty, this is probably the best I've read from you....this flowed perfectly as if it could actually be put on a track...emotion and imagery was excellent...rhymescheme of course was excellent...now to my favorite parts...

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Laureate

Gaze…
upon the fragile frame of a weathered imagination
convulsing in the breezes created by death's snicker,
The bickering of demons cast by hell's flicker
and the Devil's nation rises to the occasion,
Splattered hope dispatches constellations on white
as rats connect the dots on the falling tear drops,
You can't slap a price on the ones time forgot
as night entices fright to come out of the light, all

Because…
Life is random in tandem with fate everlasting
and the mind of a poet grips the enchanting,
The steaming of breath rising up to the sky

---

^Metaphors all over the place in the 2nd verse of Part 1....great story telling and understandable in more ways than one....vocabulary was nice and the approach to your topic is what made it even better...

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Laureate

I think with my motions, weaving in and out of nothingness
to become something...ness? no, english never suited me
and doesn't suit anyone who doesn't want to wear it.
I would, but they say it doesn't fit me,
my shoulders are too big, too much muscle from carrying traditions
and customs I don't know how to drop, habit is in my blood,
trying to find a way into my soul, but forever failing because
I wear my soul on my sleeve, and use it to
wipe off imperfections.

---

^This is quite possibly the best part of this entire poem...nothing to say but perfection in all areas honestly...

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Laureate

I hate being fuckin invisible, not noticed by the one I want, just
a waste of space, there with no purpose, worthless, it hurts,
still, even though I tell myself to forget it, to not
be bothered with it, to ignore it, I hate giving up on things
I haven't truly tried, and I can't ignore feelings, no matter how

---

^Emotion peaked right here....definately one of the more 'human' aspects of this poem...flowed great and made perfect sense once again even with the use of metaphors you used them wisely and very well



BreakDown
Vocabulary - Excellent
RhymeScheme - Excellent
Metaphors - Excellent
Emotion - Excellent
Originality - Excellent
Overall - One of the best poems I've read on RB since I've been here honestly...you hit the topic with a perfect stride and stayed hitting until you were done writing...emotion was great....once again metaphors and vocabulary were carefully chosen and perfectly used...dope story to read...easy to read and very understandable...



Dont be surprised if someone nominates this for Legends

Rating:
10/10

Beautiful, Havn't seen you write like this in a long time man, it's evident you actually tried and out thought into this piece, Your wording throughout was verrryy well placed, and talthough it was wrote to sound random it actually was a excellantly written story line bro... your metaphors were the most vivid part of this piece to me, they just jumped off the page to me.. probably because i'm a dark poet and i love that dark imagery, but regardless, it was dope... the piece was pretty origional, not so much the topic, but the way you approached it was unique, you made it your own, which for obvious reasons is a pretty important aspect of a decent piece... you got the emotion of the topic almost seemlessly, athougha t times i thought you almost over described things where you didn't really need to, but that's more of a preferance than a fault... ''upon the fragile frame of a weathered imagination
convulsing in the breezes created by death's snicker,''

^^Probably my favorite line, beautiful meta, and very well convicted.

You kept the piece consistant all the way through, and may i say, i'm very impressed with you man, if you wrote like this everytime you wrote you'd be one of the dopest members to hit rb.

Holler.

coolness. part 1 was from the crew battle? well thats the one that impressed me mostly anyway. basically because ive found out this week how difficult it is to find the line between writing in a poetic style for what is considered topical on the net and just writing straight poetry or what is considered to be poetry, and i believe thats what makes you one of the best writers around here, your versatility. i know youve put it in PS, but it was meant for a topical battle and it was pulled off so well whilst using a very poetic style. I already talked about the next part in my feed for the actuall battle against Cry, but lol that wasprobaly the weakest part because part three was pretty good also. But yeah mostly commented on what i did because i couldnt say anything in the actuall battle cos it was a crew thing andits fucking hard to write in some ways sometimes.. well atleast for some anyway.. always cool to read your work hope you understood what i meant

Genius! Ben you simply are the most passionate genius of a poet that I am so graced to know! The first thing that I noticed even in my first run through on this was that I could literally sit here and read the whole poem out loud and have a constant rhythm that was seemingly perfect. The second thing that I noticed right along side of the way that it just flows from my lips so smoothly was that the concept was so amazingly unique that it makes for amazing proof of how amazing a poet you truly are. After I read through the whole thing I was actually left in a true state of contemplation. I end up looking back on the emotion and I can clearly see and feel the emotional roller coaster that binds this whole thing and consumes me.

Part I-

One thing that was so great to me here was the way that you formatted it. A simple structure that packs quite a bit of a punch to it. It shows character beyond the norm. The way that you transition from one verse to the next catches my immediate attention that for a split second stops me and makes me realize that "Oh wow, thats a great way to feed everthing into itself, thats pretty ingenious." as I'm going through it it's something that subconciously I greatly admire but I never lose the feel of the poem as I'm going on.

Part II-

First thing, it is clearly stated that you are talking to yourself. Making the concrete statement that this is not a poem for everyone else, this one is for you, every level of your being is recognised. Again, this flows wonderfully and its in a different style. That factor alone kept me interested and made me want to rush through just so I could see what you were coming up with here. The third verse here is the one that stood out so much to me, it packed un the most raw passionate emotion seemingly. From the lack of wording to describing your way of describing how you hold your sould was just amazingly powerful on an emotional sense that it was incredible. Yet all of the verses held such an intensity that it was like a "Wow!" kind of feeling and I was just that much more glued to this.

Part III-

Emotions! Emotions! Emotions! From the very depths of your soul it shines through. It was such an intense feeling that hit so unexpectedly to me. I don't think I could have actually anticipated that feeling at all. Almost as if it were myself saying it or thinking it while I was all alone off in a daze. I love so much that you inject such a raw emotion into me like that, its almost breath taking the way that it hits. One of the other things that I love so much about this verse in particular was the way that not only I but any one can find some way to connet to this. It hit crazy deep with me which probably was a contributor to the entire breath taking experience.

Your ending phrase was definately powerful, because looking back on the poem you can actually feel that sense in it, and everything just "BOOM!" makes sense. Almost seeing it in a new light entirely I couldn't help but read it again.

Overall I loved this poem beyond measure. Your true self really showed here moreso than in your other peices. Amazing, simply amazing. I truly enjoyed reading this, infact, thank you for it.

Always,

Shawty"B"

wow, beautiful


you've taken what i thought to be a bland/somethings missing verse in our battle, and you've finished it. I now realize how well it fits into this. I dunno if you were planning this before our match up, but here, it made much more sense to me when I read it. the first stanza was the best for me, loved the multies and it's amazing to see them coming from you. you seem to have actually tried to write this time rather than just blow it off and give it a small effort. it's been a minute since I've read your work and actually read it again to appreciate it even more than I knew I did. LOVED IT MAN! storyline wasn't too original, but you made it your own and blew any other asshole with the topic out of the water ..thanks again for the read man, loved it.


- Nash


hit the america one in the siggy, biggie ..

I don't know how better to explain this aside from pure and beautiful. I read it twice. Near flawless. One of your best I loved it!

Wow...I've read alot of work and even battled you, lol but this was dope as fuck..no lie...your emotion stood out and had me feeling like I was inside of the piece it self, you had a very smooth read, not to complex but far from simple which is what I love, very steady flow...nothing seemed forced to me..you took sucha bland topic that I tried to do but it came out to boring, but you took it to a new level and you we're really creative with it, very nice man...HOF in my eyes...if this forum has one, lol..keep up.

OH MY GOD ! that is some dope stuff man....big ups to ya patna

damn this was incredible.. this is one of the best poems i ran into so far. emotion in this was off the hook. i couldnt believe in my eyes. though the piece was very long... it didnt stop me from reading it twice. really that how much i enjoyed this. id sit here and tell you more.. but i think everybody just about said it all.

Quote:

---

Sever the strings attached to deception and lies
to the invisible it's critical not to be outlined,
Alas, the thoughts of this Artist are humbled at best
all pouring out at once through this hole
In my head…

---

Quote:

---

I think with my motions, weaving in and out of nothingness
to become something...ness? no, english never suited me
and doesn't suit anyone who doesn't want to wear it.
I would, but they say it doesn't fit me,
my shoulders are too big, too much muscle from carrying traditions
and customs I don't know how to drop, habit is in my blood,
trying to find a way into my soul, but forever failing because
I wear my soul on my sleeve, and use it to
wipe off imperfections.

---

these two happened to be my favorite parts out'ta this piece. exspecially the 2nd quote. you did very great work. god this piece was consistant all the way through. the metaphors.. and the multis... im impressed. and ill be waiting for you to drop again.

well... a little legnthy for my taste, but the story kept me interested. you dug kinda deep for a poem on mind expansion, but thats always a good thing. here's my favorite part...

"my mind is a whirlwind of thought that
cascades off the peaks of desire and lust, the things
I strive for are a stride out of reach, the things I have, I
left a step behind, when the wind washed away the sand
and the waves washed away the dust, settled in the puddled
mesh they tell me is my brain..."

^liked the metaphorical value to that part,"the things
I strive for are a stride out of reach, the things I have, I
left a step behind, when the wind washed away the sand"
its genious. this whole peice had the basic poetic form but the flow set it apart and i liked how in part III you got a little gritty with the emotion. sort of a step out of the ordinary poem.. the illustrations are just an added bonus lol.. they couldve served a purpose but i was focused on the lyrical content, but skimming back over it, it helped alot. good read man.

You're fuckin awful, I don't know what these people are thinking! :rolleyes:

Part 1
Dude dope opening section right here, just fuckin ill. Perfect set up and pace for the rest of it. I loved the rhyme schemes you chose here, it really put emphasis on the use of both the, ABAB and ABBA formats. Really dope shit here in this part.

Part 2
Another really nice section Ben. This section really oepned up nice with the more shoirt-line poetic feel, but then you also threw in there, the "I don't give a shit about rhyming as long as it makes sense" poetry, which was almost in paragraph format and felt necessary, to fit the emotion and imagery portrayed in this section.

Part 3
Are we feeling a bit Emo now Ben? Damn son, explsion of emotions right here. Again we see the paragraph or "I don't give a shit...." method, which is actually really dope somehow, although normally it shouldn't fit so well. And the short little "moral" shit you had in the end had me like "WHOA! MOTHAFUCKA IS DOPE!" and then I knew how much I enjoyed this piece.

Overall, I fuckin loved it Ben! Great job man! This will be nom'd for HoF by me and good luck in the legends thread!

this was your best piece since being apart of RB mr. laureate.

first off your starter was just off the hook man you had nice nice scheme of like being on stage and blurting your words out with such anger yet meaning. i could just picture your white ass on a stage with a big ass crowd saying your words with tears and people be feeling it and standing up for you and shit son. really ben you had i think a superb wording faction here aswell as your own originality twisted and embroded into this piece... you put your name all over this and this is definatly a HOF nominee man for reals you had me smiling through the whole thing knowing that it was part of you that was teaching me what i know and drop today...so i know i had a great teacher along with poeta no offense.... but man this piece just....ARGH!... made me jealous cus in a way i had something in my head and on my microsoftword similiar but you got it first so now i cant dorp it cus it would just be shit compaired to yours lol. but yea man your emotion was excellent and your switch from stanza to stanza was astonishing man.. you had it form start to finish man really.

I'm going to open my mind the only way I know how…
Really, here I go, watch, just…

Watch…
The conflict of interest from business afflictions
to witness the bridges between the past and the living,
the condemned and forgiving, abomination of faith
sporadic hate mixed with fate projects a lifeless waste,
Make haste! The ingredients are thrown from above
As I wonder how to create what I've never heard of,
Daydreaming of darkness, and nightmares I find
To the eyes of the visionaries frozen in time, so

Gaze…
upon the fragile frame of a weathered imagination
convulsing in the breezes created by death's snicker,
The bickering of demons cast by hell's flicker
and the Devil's nation rises to the occasion,
Splattered hope dispatches constellations on white
as rats connect the dots on the falling tear drops,
You can't slap a price on the ones time forgot
as night entices fright to come out of the light, all

Because…
Life is random in tandem with fate everlasting
and the mind of a poet grips the enchanting,
The steaming of breath rising up to the sky
Gods and angels alike, breathe the same air as I,
Sever the strings attached to deception and lies
to the invisible it's critical not to be outlined,
Alas, the thoughts of this Artist are humbled at best
all pouring out at once through this hole
In my head…
^^
truely out right EXCELLENCE MAN>

big ups my dude... and congrats on such a great piece.. i truely enjoyed it.

fuckin' dope.. vocabulary, rhyme scheme, metaphors, emotion, imagery, etc.. everything was on point. excellent job, man. definitely the best piece ive read on RB so far. wow this is just amazing.. true fuckin' genius at work. keep writing.

[/B]Vocabulary - was very good dude even a bit better than usually this made your piece that much more inteligent from my understanding.
imagery - was nice not nothing unusuall from any other of your pieces you always seemed to do good in this area.
Metaphors - great
Emotion - Excellent dude i always loved reading your piece because the emotion it bleeds, this piece had as much emotion as a 600 pound human running a mile and started sweating out her pores and the emotion ='s the sweat lol.....
Originality - very nice man and very 0riginal dude......i mean a piece being original period draws interest and being it's dope lol how much better can it get.....


definatly original,sexy, if this poem was a bitch id definatly fuck.
legendary dude.....*votes, if not voted already*

this was sexy. i'll edit in feed here in a few hours.

Bump .