Sherwood Gardens

Sherwood Gardens

You shadowed me to the base of a tree
and succumbed to the presence of dew
perfectly framed in a radiant green sea
completely captivating and commanding view
I'd accommodate you if I could
but I cannot steal another woman's child
that would do us both an injustice and would
spoil a number of plans compiled

When we have children they'll live on a farm
open spaces for years on end
they'll spend their evenings with black cats aged barn
experiencing novels too fast for us to attend
growing through knowledge
mastering the craft of humility
a feat that we will eventually
fail to acknowledge

Today, we retire to a flowery quilt
and I only know you and the sky
to differentiate is difficult yet still
you carry the dreams of men that lie's
in those stars that you call eyes
it is a day composed of Kodak moments,
I hope that my last will be as lovely & fragrant

A Third Times A Charm, By Forum
A Topical About Text, Feat Baron P. Mortus

Leave Links I'll Hit Them ASAP

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Quote:

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Originally Posted by Memento

Sherwood Gardens

You shadowed me to the base of a tree
and succumbed to the presence of dew
perfectly framed in a radiant green sea
completely captivating and commanding view
I'd accommodate you if I could
but I cannot steal another woman's child
that would do us both an injustice and would
spoil a number of plans compiled

When we have children they'll live on a farm
open spaces for years on end
they'll spend their evenings with black cats aged barn
experiencing novels too fast for us to attend
growing through knowledge
mastering the craft of humility
a feat that we will eventually
fail to acknowledge

Today, we retire to a flowery quilt
and I only know you and the sky
to differentiate is difficult yet still
you carry the dreams of men that lie's
in those stars that you call eyes
it is a day composed of Kodak moments,
I hope that my last will be as lovely & fragrant

A Third Times A Charm, By Forum
A Topical About Text, Feat Baron P. Mortus

Leave Links I'll Hit Them ASAP

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i was feelin the piece as a whole most def.
the first segment was hot everything else was nice.
you keep the reader in it. yeah nice work now i see why your a tough critic.

Pretty good piece. The piece wasn't flash with wowness but had a silent charm to it which attracted me and amde me read the piece attentively to the end. I found the story to be simple..the concepts used were simplistic but good and the flow was good plus the rhymescheme was suited to this as this gave off a much more poetic vibe na mean. Another thing is, i believe the main thing this piece had going for it was it's description and stuff like the adjectives to add extra emphasis on the piecture the writer wasn't trying to creat for the reader. Not consistant in every line but overall, a very nice and breezy poetic piece to read. Good work, keep writing and Yup, Stay up^.

word thanks

hey that link ain't work

twas straight
you getting really active on here thats good
you got this good imagery thing going for you
makes the reader see the story
your definitally developing your own unique style
and your growing as a story teller
as i can rell from this piece
i see major poteniel
like you could be better than me
soon

keep it up

This was dope. It would have went over better in the poetry forum though. They're more receptive to this kind of piece. It seemed to get better as it went. I don't lnow why but I loved this line: " I only know you and the sky" Lol.

Nice work.

It was an above average drop for such a hard critic lol,
but anyway i liked it alot felt it had a good story,
lryically it was on point 90 percent of the times,
it was an enjoyable read with emotions i liked

Thanks for all the feed and black, I figured so, pfft im kind of new to this topial thing so when I do it tend to turn out like my poems pfft oh well.

good lookin on this... def some madd poetry goin on here... good emotion and it stayed consistant the whole way through... I liked that... good shit tho stay at it

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Memento

Thanks for all the feed and black, I figured so, pfft im kind of new to this topial thing so when I do it tend to turn out like my poems pfft oh well.

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yeah but thats whats scary i came here in june and i din't show any major improvment until september you gonna be a hella beast after a while

Pfft word, thanks I'm just doing me nah mean, I write for the art of it and uplifting my people and also for pure entertainment so ish like hof and mag mentionings means alot yet thats not my aim, just having someone say man that was hawt is enough for me, thats why i leave so much feed on other people ish because I know I wold like for someone todo the same for me.

This was more a poetic piece here.

Anyway this was a solid drop.I've been looking at your most recent drops and you seem to be consistant enough.Keep that up and build up a reputation for it.This pieces right here was a smooth read and relaxing in a way.It was meh at the start but yup I was really liking it towards the end and I felt that you almost put more of an effort in at the end.Some wording was very nice and showed me that you have a lot of potential.Keep up your good work and stay consistant.

word thanks for the fe fam......

you have flow issues.

"You shadowed me to the base of a tree
and succumbed to the presence of dew
perfectly framed in a radiant green sea
completely captivating and commanding view"

completely captivating and commanding view is a nice use of alliteration, but it's a forced flow. I also find that if you rhyme in an abab, it tends to throw off flow unless your diction is perfect. The best way to determine whether or not your writing flows is to actually rap it as you write it-put on some tribe called quest (or whatever) and just rap your piece over it. If you have to force it flow, then you might want to consider better word choices.

"When we have children they'll live on a farm
open spaces for years on end
they'll spend their evenings with black cats aged barn
experiencing novels too fast for us to attend"

Again, flow issues, because you cram to many words into one line. Try to make syllable counts similar between lines that rhyme-don't get me wrong, identical syllable count does not equal flow, but it can help. "They'll spend their evenings with black cats aged barn" doesn't really make sense. What does "aged barn" mean? One can infer that you mean cats that grew up in a barn, but it's still a fucking weird way to say that.

Another way you can help your flow is by integrating a more complex rhyme scheme. Internal rhyming and multies tend to generate a decent flow. Read pieces by people like Atticus and 'Nique-silky smooth flow.

Don't force rhymes-moment and fragrant don't rhyme. You also kind of cheapen your piece with the Kodak moment line-it's commonly used, and it likens the love expressed to a commercial...which is probably not what you're going for.

Lastly, while I'm being a picky asshole-subject matter. Love is so easy to write about, everyone on this site writes about love and death. Maybe a more complex topic? Give your characters some weird quirks that make the reader want to know more about them? Integrate a twist that makes the reader question the fundamental presuppositions of your piece?

Just some ideas.
This piece really wasn't that bad, but you said you wanted criticism. Ask, and you shall receive.

Peace.

word thanks for the feed fam...

vocab and structure was str8... consistant... good shit man... feelin it...

This was nice. Wordplay wasn't spectacular, but this was still dope. I was really feeling the ABAB structure of this piece. Hmm...structure was alright, like I said, wordplay could improve, and your structure was good. Keep dropping.

Overall this was a good piece..not nearly your best work...hmm...I liked the imagery side of it but a lot of it was spotty as far as the flow goes...I liked the fact that you tried different rhyme schemes...it was a good look from you..but made this seem more like a poetic drop with such styles considering the choppyness of the flow..but all in all this was a good read...nothing more...keep it up..and RTF....

ha u got banned dwag. i beem banned a few times.ha


poetic approach you took on this piece.

nicee imagery effects and word soundings here for real as well...'''some lines seemed a bit rushed and somewhat misleading

like this line-

they'll spend their evenings with black cats aged barn


aged barn?


perhaps its meant to carry over to the line , but it doesnt aooear so to Me.so?

but w/e all in all a nicee piece i like the way it ended as well

cool poetry

1

word thanks