Homeland.

Homeland

Snowballs to close calls… we've watched hope call
Another so called journey, in life's random draw…
weaving in and out of landed falls.
Forestalling coasts n mall's ive hosted mauls…
Late night brawls ended in female tear shed.
Another's blood bled… for instinct, a hundred gunshot reapers fed
The moon rises… cries out demise as northern lights cascade…
The clouds fade opening up hearts dumbfounded… but in place
a pace driven into equilibrium, crisp air it's space.
I face my past and present… resenting each present…
False given… not the reason I was ever driven
Seeing the fade'n day… as others pray to remove the jade…
Grass glades n swans calls made… seamlessly echo away.
The mate left alone to contemplate choices strung in blades…
I may be crazed… but I believe in this land
as much as this life gave me hands…

somehow my soul always reverts n' plays out this plan
I've ripped down a thousand canvases made of sand.
n' with tears shed and bloody stumps for hands.
the lumps in my glands, subside when i draw breath where i stand.
the view grand from mountain tops... these snowy rocks.
juggle peaks... eyes stuck, sick of reading chalk
this where i was grown and taught...
slowly got... my subtle grip on life.
Wilderness where some strip survival off a knife
eyes unclouded... no wrong or right..
but a voiceless law... that dissipates with the night.

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=326634

^^ theres my links... hahaha... ill only do this once.

Nice piece here man, Story line was strong and held it's own as origional... Always good to keep it unique... I especially liked the transitions between the two verses, very smooth and almost seemless... I figure this was a quick write... as at times it seemed a little rushed from line to line... like i felt at times you could have elaborated deeper on the imagery befor moving on to the next point... But that didn't ruin the verse for me atall... the wording of the pice was well placed together, once against almost seemless... And some lines stood out very vividly in my mind... such as 'I've ripped down a thousand canvases made of sand' I loved that line... it was a very poetic piece, even the flow and line structure was very poetic... so basically this could either be an OM or a poem... But which ever one, i enjoyed the read. So thanks and shizznit.

Oh and feed my first topical in like a year please dude lol... ' great fire of planet earth'

Thanks.

thanks..

ill hit your piece up in the maniana.

Topic was cool, homes sick i get that a lot
so i was really relating to the topic well , fully understanding it
the 1st part ^
your flow was cool, for most parts u had it in thel rhyme scheme
yet at times the scheme fell off, due to bad word selection
or how you chose to word the lines, or where u placed the rhyme
nothing major ,
some lil re-touch would patch up easliy.....
the imagery was basically on point, nice touch ,
nicely paced calm, poetic vibe cool overall drop ! nice read

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=325329


^. :2thumb:

^ thanks ill hit it up when im not so tired.

This was well written piece, I enjoyed the storyline very much, Form the looks of the title I didn't know what you had instored from me, the wordplay was nice through out the piece you came pretty consistant with the flow, but as far as imagery and emotion is concearned , the first half of your poem was ok/good then in the end it went to nice/loved it, thats not somthing you should pratice as a writter, but it proved to be beneficial in this piece nicely written by a well crafted artist to say the least., can you please leave quality feed on my pieces if you have time, thankyou.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Memento

This was well written piece, I enjoyed the storyline very much, Form the looks of the title I didn't know what you had instored from me, the wordplay was nice through out the piece you came pretty consistant with the flow, but as far as imagery and emotion is concearned , the first half of your poem was ok/good then in the end it went to nice/loved it, thats not somthing you should pratice as a writter, but it proved to be beneficial in this piece nicely written by a well crafted artist to say the least., can you please leave quality feed on my pieces if you have time, thankyou.

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thanks man..

will take a look...

jsut got mc donalds breakfast for the first time in ages...

prob not till later today.. i gotta take a nap haha

^Lol word.

good verse.........it was on point the structure was good image was alright .................but you worded this verse very good thats what I really liked about this the wording the topic was alright you was okay with following the topic and keeping it intersting good verse overall I give it a 8 cuz its short but still good hit up my om gone in dust

Maybe I've been away for too long because I didn't get it at all. I mean, it sounded nice, but I don't know what the fuck I read. I'll have to come back with a clear head and give it a second read. Sorry.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Chris Black

Maybe I've been away for too long because I didn't get it at all. I mean, it sounded nice, but I don't know what the fuck I read. I'll have to come back with a clear head and give it a second read. Sorry.

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hmmm... its about my homeland Yukon, i guess it was a little scattered...

i have a tendency of doing that :P

but northern lights... snowballs... snowy peak... i dunno the north.

i wa feeling this piece flow and story caught me,
lyrics were right for it and all. nice piece man.

favorite lines right here of the piece..

Late night brawls ended in female tear shed.
Another's blood bled… for instinct, a hundred gunshot reapers fed
The moon rises… cries out demise as northern lights cascade…
The clouds fade opening up hearts dumbfounded… but in place
a pace driven into equilibrium, crisp air it's space.
I face my past and present… resenting each present…
False given… not the reason I was ever driven
Seeing the fade'n day… as others pray to remove the jade…
Grass glades n swans calls made… seamlessly echo away.
The mate left alone to contemplate choices strung in blades…
I may be crazed… but I believe in this land
as much as this life gave me hands…


nice.

im gonna post bullshit about how i liked your piece now lol but actually i did enjoy this tho some sections where scattered thoughts i feel but it was a nice read easy to read i could get intoit as much as other pieces cause i don't know maybe its my mood right now but never the less its was an incredible piece and i feel alot of top writers underrate you to much ok


feed my piece wonderland

Aha this was dope.

Most people can probly relate to this, n that is what people want. Flow was nice original. The thing that made this piece good was that it was extreamly well writen, and i think thats ware most people need to improve. Your lines were very well put together. I enjoyed this. Nice read stay upp

Please Return The Favor Leave Quality Feed On This Link.

wut up twin yo you down to hit a text collab