Third Times A Charm

Twice Is Nice....But A Third Times A Charm!

You used to shed light upon sight now darkness
Spark's when I'm apart with the heart's limps
Feelings eradicate since the sense of us
lost magic she question's where the passion went
Print's left on promiscuous doorknobs
Usually Whore jobs easing the pain
With more bob's cause this relationship
Has taken flips turned burned rolled over
Hit's! blind sided by loves forsaken twist
All because of me and my persuasiveness
Loyal to my own naked bliss emotionally
Taking trips to ease these creases
Within this thesis for your reasons
And my pleasing as pleasure's increasing
Desperate mesures ahead of my pleading
Her heart beat has took a beating suffering lesions
Thumping only in slow sporadic seasons
Bump......................Bump..................Bu mp
Fixation without treatment
Gasp...heavy breaths....dramatic breathing
past leavens perceived by what she's seeing
Adulterated situation of her only meaning
To like beings weighed down by lonely deamons
Left quite for the right reasons Hething
All he thinks about is him achieving
And the fact that you believed him
He used your love like the remote control
To rope your sole and catch you in open toes
So that you're unprepared when the storm's exposed
To gloat the soul as his nose goes ponochio
And the lies choke the throat...stressed giggles
In the voice like tide ripples...why?..simple
Answers in itself's entirety ...the sexs' boring
And so is this marrige entirely...

http://i36.photobucket.com/albums/e1...untitled-1.jpg
She say's nothing..drops the ring..shuts the door...and never returns...

Linkage

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=326371
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=325847

This Was A Dope Piece. The Vocab, And Most Of All... Im Reading The Shxt Feeling It And I Get To The End... A Picture. Your Creativity Was Good Bro Keep It Up. -One-

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Forum

Twice Is Nice....But A Third Times A Charm!

You used to shed light upon sight now darkness
Spark's when I'm apart with the heart's limps
Feelings eradicate since the sense of us
Turned grim hint you wont learn them
Print's left on premicuious doorknobs
Usually Hore jobs easing the pain
With more bobb's cause this relationship
Has taken flips turned burned rolled over
Even hacked me on some flagrent shit
All because of me and my persuasiveness
Loyal to my own naked bliss emotionally
Taking trips to ease these creases
Within this theses for your liking
And my pleasing pleasure increasing
Desperate mesures ahead of my pleading
Her heart beat has took a beating
Thumps only in slow sparatic seasons
Bump......................Bump..................Bu mp
Gasp...heavy breaths....dramatic breathing
Coming to realization of what's she's seeing
Adultrated situation of her only meaning
To lifes gleaming weighed down by life's deamons
Left quite for the right reasons Hething
All he thinks about is him achieving
And the fact that you believed him
He used your love like the remote control
To rope your sole and catch you in open toes
So that you're unprepared when the storm's exposed
To gloat the soul as his nose goes ponocioo
And the lies choke the throat...stressed giggles
In the voice like tide ripples...why?..simple
Answers in intself's entirety ...the sexs' boring
And so is this marrige entirely...

http://i36.photobucket.com/albums/e1...untitled-1.jpg
She say's nothing..drops the ring..shuts the door...and never returns...

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i love the turn it takes in the middle
your imagry is like a picture
and I felt your emotions
you took time to think about this one and it shows thru ur execution which was flawless
the story is not orginal but you make it unique
also easy to follow after the main transtion
good job keep ups !

Quote:

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Feelings eradicate since the sense of us
Turned grim hint you wont learn them
Print's left on premicuious doorknobs
Usually Hore jobs easing the pain
With more bobb's cause this relationship
Has taken flips turned burned rolled over
Even hacked me on some flagrent shit
All because of me and my persuasiveness

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This seemed a little rushed. It's the sore point in the flow of this piece, you really seemed to lose sight of what u were trying to do with this continuous flow, and kind of forgot the rhyme it a couple of times. You would succeed on an internal line, but then it wouldn't really come together right.

Quote:

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Taking trips to ease these creases
Within this thesis for your liking
And my pleasing pleasure increasing
Desperate mesures ahead of my pleading

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Again, you do a good job, but you forget that syllable sound "liking" and don't ever get back to it... it leaves the verse a little hobbled. Can be easily fixed by attention to wordchoice.

Quote:

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Gasp...heavy breaths....dramatic breathing
Coming to realization of what's she's seeing
Adultrated situation of her only meaning
To lifes gleaming weighed down by life's deamons

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It's good until, again, at the last line, you use life twice to describe life, and you really need to rethink that line... Plus, "life's gleaming" is a little vague. You also forgot to include the sound of the word "only" in your last line, which gives the flow a bit more of a choppy feel.

Quote:

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He used your love like the remote control
To rope your sole and catch you in open toes
So that you're unprepared when the storm's exposed
To gloat the soul as his nose goes ponocioo
And the lies choke the throat...stressed giggles
In the voice like tide ripples...why?..simple
Answers in intself's entirety ...the sexs' boring
And so is this marrige entirely...

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That part, I want to commend you on, it's the strongest part of the verse and you seemed to want to write that part the most. Just work on some wording problems to get your flow to that perfect point, and don't be too abstract with the metaphors, it loses the reader.

Thanks Eng...I took youre advice,,,and revised it...I think I caught what you were talking about..

i'm going to start of by saying overall this was good but you should change the font because there were some words i had to highlight with my mouse so the can be readable i prefer you use tahoma it allows your words to be readable and its looks pretty darn decent as well. Now onto your verse the vocab was really however i didnt notice were there was a word that wasn't used correctly make sure you know the complete meaning to a word because sometimes people tend to use them in the wrong manner. this flowed smoothly i really didnt see any imagery until the i saw the picture and then all the imagery you made started to make sense. there was plenty of emotion but your closer was great overall i enjoyed this verse just look into the things i told you about ;)

I'm pretty sure i have already talked about this and how much i liked it. I liked your rhyming in this and the direction you had taken but i did say you should have polished and correcte it before presenting it to open mic..i had decided that if properly polished this was a sure fire nomination from myself as i had enjoyed the piece and it was the first in a while i ahd read without feeling any drag-on system na mean. I still reckon it could have been brushed up more, no doubt though a good piece..Stay up^.

This was a simple piece, but nice. You worked the flow well, and all your vocabulary seemed to flow along with it, which was nice to see. Multies were present, and that was a great flaw also. The imagery was there, and the depth of emotion you tryed to portray, was executed wonderfully.

Congratulations on a well written piece, I'll be looking forward to seeing some work by you in the near future :)

RTF on "Cloistered, Confined, Convinced".

Peace and Cheers.

Edit in with response.

yeah this had some good imagery ideas. there were a few off putting points here and there. people already spoke some shit about that though i guess so i wont bother
the font is a bit small and fucked up for me im my half-blind state. but yrah i struggled on.....
soo all in all to be tight i say this was well formatted decent piece


peace

Overall this was a pretty nice piece. There were a few problems with flow and your sylabols being a little off... but it was still a good read none the less. Keep it up.

thanks for the feed to all...If I haven't hit you're pieces already I'll...RTF...soon..

Good piece. Vocabulary was on point and good, and your structure was pleasing to read and looked professional. Overall, i liked this :). I liked the way you flowed throughout the piece with short lines, many people try the short lines and cannot make it sound right, but you did a great job at it. The story was good, and this piece just shows why you excell in this field of writing.

*Claps*
Liked it 2 da fullest...deep imagery and very nice word usage...(know how I am w/ meaningful words)...I like the structure u had, made it flow very well...although I'm not a topical head, it's always good to see a well written piece with alot of emotion into it...u cumn up quick, joe...well, only thing negative I can say is that u had like 1 or two mispelled words...other than that...solid...

Dam nice piece Iloved your ryhme scheme you deffinently elevated since the last time I read your piece's, The story line was consistant I didn't feel as if you lacked or lost sight in some places, your vocabulary and imagery was a bit over the top at times, emotion in this was pretty on point It was diffrent from what im used to reading from you, this was a well though out piece and will love to see more from you.

I guess I was the only person who wasn't so big on this, I have seen you write much better and this just looked to simple in my eyes, the topic was pretty played and you didn't do anything to creative with it, it flowed pretty well but some parts seemed rush and just through off the vibe of the piece, not your best or even close but decent. Just honest feed here, hit the sig and keep up.

Still appreciated...

edit

props for a cool drop !
i like the way you took this, w/ the rhyme scheme ,
to flow it, and word choices, fits in well ,..
tho u can make it flawless w/ a lil sharpening up w/ the scheme..
and where u place in the rhyme to correspond w/ the following line
but that is nothing to stress about since, it did not do really any major harm
to this piece....
nice w/p , lines were witty , fun to read , ..

this was cute:
To gloat the soul as his nose goes ponocioo
all in all this was a very good read, props again :2thumb:
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=325329

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Hm.
Your choice of picture at the end was twisted. That comic is supposed to be funny-but it really just isn't. It's just pure misogyny in animation...and the fact that we're supposed to laugh at it is even more fucked. I wonder if the person who drew it knows.

The strongest point of your piece was the contrast it provided to the picture chosen-you really emphasized the non-funny side. It seemed to exemplify the way guys tend to think women over-react when in actuality we know how fucked up we act.
Engivale explained your main technical issue thoroughly-keep it in mind next time your write.
When you choose to use descriptions like Pinocchio it kind of gives a whole slew of childlike images...and if you don't explore them, sometimes is just seems like you're just kidding around. Takes away from the serious message. At the same time, if you were to explore the Pinocchio idea, it might highlight some of the childish aspects of this guy's actions.
Maybe, also, you could use the situation to deal with a larger issue-marital issues on a societal level as related to individual situations?

Good work though, I enjoyed the read. Just trying to give you things to consider for next time :2thumb:

Please Return The Favor Leave Quality Feed On This Link.

Thanks...

*Apllause*

Wow Forum, You Still have It, Vocab. Was Very Good, And Exillerating, And It Was Quite Enjoyable, Such As your Flow Was On Point, And Also, The Middle Gave Some More Energy to your piece. Overall, Dope topic, dope vocab, Dope everything. So Keep up The Good Work, And Keep Showing These cats, how to do an Open Mic. Nice Piece.

-..IllthoughtZ..

appreciated.....

This fucking piece was dope, and... I laughed my ass of when I seen the picture at the end.. Your very talented, bro. Your pieces always catch an eye, and one day you'll see bigger things in life..... I really dont have much to quote, cause the picture does it for us. This piece was just fucking amazing. I'm sorry I didnt hit this up sooner. I actually just caught on to the whole "dots on the envelopes" are ones I already posted to, so that really helps me out... Its pure dopeness (this piece), very good job. I plan on reading more from you soon, so start writing. -laughs-

Very good piece man very creative shit that picture at the end made it a bit more of a comic/morbid feel to it like mave said because it goes in very deep. The word usage was very fresh and the rhyme scheme and flow tyed it up perfectly it seemed to all fit well. Never read much of your stuff but i will really look for more of it props man

Thankx..to all...I have taken...all..in...and RTF'd to all...appreciate the feed...fore my elevation is happening...

I love tha emotion and depth which was delivered semi as multis it was mad creative keep up tha good work playa

Personally, i enjoyed this piece from the beginning to the end. I read and thought about the concept that was trying to get across. I think you executed the wordplay and usage of vocabulary. being a rookie myself i try to read pieces of yours and others to motivate me to become what i am now. This piece was right on point and conducted it self smoothly through human lips real talk. Overall great and ill check up on ya other pieces as well. -1-