Intro to Love; Pain is that good

Intro to Love; pain is that good


As I strayed across the atlas of your body, you spoke in a rear view tongue.
Portraying a deviant gesture; to light a world with your mystical sun
Throbbing, my painful sins, as you grind my dreams to sleep
Slowly yet surely with out knowing, you caused me pain to weep
Creaking below my shadow, tickling my nightmares to laugh
Haunting my pitiful chamber of sanctum, crushing my better half
Blowing tainted kisses I return the favor showing tongue
You smiled and then frowned as you returned the favor with a gun

I quote and I mean seriously I quote…

Now watch in amaze as I deli phrase your anatomy
Gutting your intellect as I skin scalp your brain tactically
Plot your head on a platter, serve it to the poor
Your thoughts not even worth a dime, that’s what I skinned it for
Lecture your diagram as I press on your diaphragm
Then gloat with a smile as I hide you behind the pots and pans.

She was such a sweet heart, with her sweet words of wisdom
Glorying over my thoughts with emotions caressing my heart
Sitting in the corner as I play with the walls of treason with reason
She glides with such a stride that rips my so called love apart
Tapping on my cold shoulder; she warms me with heat
Philistines; she was wrapping her nocturnal appearance with ice
Rippling across my ocean; to tsunami me up off my feet
Creating such a plasmatic blow, the wind had to cover its eyes
The trees grew a whisper to catch attention in distance
Clouds gather to boulder a bolt down a stream of cries
She stood at the doorstep to watch; no one knew her existence
Brainstormed in repentance; clashing thunder swords leaving no one alive

“Time get even harder as she grew darker”

How dare you, I say, for you to try and play
Stand not in my path and for today you may stay
See me test your intelligence and blade you wounds
Clamp down your dreams and leave you cold in a tomb
Bruise your fidelity’s and haunt you in your sleep
Creep in to leave tears that lay with you six feet deep

Calloused emotions gladly charge in a Saturn
Burgundy my grassy area to create a wicked pattern
Plateau a home base surrounded of picket fences
Follicle my love to enroot a pastured essence
Easily broken down and breeched with madness
Gladness is erased as my love dips in sadness it saddens
He who grows a heart was once loved for who he was
So he who dies with the same heart meant to stand for true love
Clabbered mythical doubts, pout in a vengeful drought
Brought out the best in me, as I cloud nine in and out
Counted one to ten then hid behind my pots and pans
Poof I disappeared…
…………….until we may meet again.

“I left in a sudden rush to leave a sudden message”

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=323941
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=323881
^^
links and im affliction just in case you didnt know

It was good for a poem, rhymes nice, nothin that hasn't been said but said in a different way, which is good.

/\ ehhh?

nice drop i liked the concept very unique you impressed me with the opening lines of the first to paragraphs... actually both paragraphs impressed me. i think that everything was fine until you ran into the third paragraph you seemed to get stuck a couple times and fall off with your flow...
neway for the most part this was excellent great imagery and enough emotion without getting all wet and shit... neway keep droppin this shit and thanks for the response

peace.

thanks man appreciate the feed bruh

bumpin this shit up ya heard!.

dont sleep

bump for feed

Very poetic, although I think you were trying to come up with a creative word for map and incorrectly used 'atlas'. Unless you were talking about the bone which supports the head but that would be weird...a bunch of grammatical and tense errors throughout, and you didn't pull off the abcb rhyme scheme in the second part...some parts were a bit too cliche (six feet deep)...also need to watch you syllable count when you try to throw in words or phrases for interal rhyming that don't fit (i.e. 'it saddens' doesnt fit in the last part of "Gladness is erased as my love dips in sadness" )

I liked the story and felt is was executed nicely minus the mistakes above.
This was a very good attempt, and you are almost there, keep writing and improving.

thanks laur appreciate the feed boss

bump.

The peice itself was nice. I liked the wordplay that you used throught it, very nuice and mature. I thought the Flow and cemestry of the peice were very nice. The Imagenation was clearly here dude. The Creativty was awsome. The Structre was nice and easy to ead. The story behind it all was Incredible. Great read dude, keep it up..Wanna collab?

yea Bell holla at me and shit ya know

give me a breakdown of a topic then send me your verse along with it when your ready and ill write up my verse ten but no chessy topics bruh send me a PM when your done not right now just send me a PM when your done with the breakdown of whats it about the topic and your verse!

This piece right here was a good read.The storyline to open up the piece was real good.The Imagry in this was real good cuz it was easy to picture what was going on in this piece.And the emotion in this piece was ral strong cuz I could feel what was going on in this piece.ANd you also had god wordplay to go with your piece.And you were real creative with the topic.Overall this was a good piece to read and you did pretty good.Keep up the good work.Hope to see more from you soon. :angelsmil

word son

will be more to come

Pretty well put together piece here...A very good read...the creativity was cleary there..the emotion was packed throughout the drop...and the imagery which stood out because of proper or (good) word choice...the flow was good until like the third paragraph...but other than that this was a aiight read...saw a few grammatical errors...but nothing that really affected the piece as a whole...overall this was pretty good..for me not to have read anything from you prior to your SS verse..I would've said "this guy has some talent.." but seeing that I know that already just keep writing and using yor creative juices to bring out the flow...

Making my colab verse and our details now homie.

bloody yankee

feed man damn i hate getting slep on yet i dont get any recognition for my writing but its koo.

bump.

ok the wordplay was good. emotion was strong. the thing that i liked for some reason was the way u went from complex rhymes to siplistic rhymes through out the peice. that i thought was great. the vocab was ok noting great. but this was quite a good poem. the syllables in ur rhyme skeme was crazy switching from 1 to 2 and over and in the second stanza u had a more complex skeme with the ab ab instead of the aabb which i thought brought a new edge to the peice. but overall i like it homie.

cant wait to see u in a battle again..

~1~

yea i wanted to switch smoothly with out wording it too much ya know so i figured make the AABB a typical base rhyme while the ABA went on into more depth of meaning and complex

thanks man. same here

Very nice piece with a poetic feel to it, The only thing I can say I didn't like was the way you ended it, it just felt to basic. But other than that I was really into this piece, It flowed real smooth reading it out loud, the creativety certainly showed and you didnt have a hard time bringing it out, the emotion was what I felt you had best in this piece, good job man, keep up.

this had mad creativity, i luv reading these deep rhymes that actually mean something... its got a poetic touch to it... good job n keep it up!

bump.

This was a nice drop. I liked the concept in this, and you impressed me throughout. Your flow was good until the third paragraph, where you slightly fell off. The imagery in this piece was very good aswell, and also the emotion was there.

can you leave some honest feed on "Ride Till We Die" please

i like this piece....i dig tha concept....you wordplay and rhymescheme were on point.....i liked tha vocab and tha way it flowed....i cant really say much about this piece that hasnt already been said...i liked tha multi and tha complexity...very ill piece....keep droppin tha hottness.~1~

Str8 Piece .... it was common piece. The flow was okay, but more to a poetic, and emotional tone. The vocabulary was nice, and i was feeling the imagry. but think it was a bit past tense. mostly it wasn't that intresting because most ppl write bout things like this. but this was well written... keep up the science

I was impressed with how you based the entire thing on the whole love turning sour scenario, & used clever words to describe certain things, aswell as your entire rhymescheme & how you constantly switched the sytle you were using with each verse. You used bitter emotion in the central verse which I really liked, switching the styles here made it stand out for me & Im a sucker for this type of writing, the whole 1/3 rhyme, 2/4 rhyme. People often think this is easier to write, but when you can continue it like you did & have it still make sense, it shows talent & how well its written. Honestly, though, I didn't care much for the terms used in the red font, they left me a little confused & I didn't know what was happening at first, they were well-written don't get me wrong, I just wasn't really feeling the way you went about wording them, I know that it fitted well with the rest of the piece, but I think if you'd of switched your use of vocab here, aswell as switching the styles, both verse would of stood out more from the rest of the piece. This was a stellar drop dude, I enhoyed the read, you are a good writer & the flaws I mentioned are basically coming from point of view, as I said it was all strong & well-written, but my preference of different things will undoubtedly vary from yours, so really take nothing bad from what I said.

Now go reply mine! :)
lol.

i will now homie thanks for the feed.

This was cool..

Really creative, but sometimes I felt that it was so creative that it took away from the actual representation of the piece. I was confused based on the variety of tenses you used throughout, so make sure your tenses are consistently on point. Also, the coloring of the different stanzas doesn't do anything for me, but left me kind of confused. On the other hand, the rhyme scheme was there, and then it wasn't, but your emotion and creativity carried the content of this piece for the most part. Your choice of words were sometimes overdone, and other times it was well-written. Pretty good stuff.

thanks.

appreciate it.

SUP MAYNE!!!! dat was tight nah mean... i couldnt get that much words in to my head right away... the vocab and the ryhme scheme is legit... your had a nice concept in mind and you broadened it to your limit and used it nicely in ways more than one.. the switch aswell is nice and it went well with it and you had me form start to finish i mean i cant say much cus most iof it has been said already so word to ya mother and nice drop! keep droppin no stoppin... "I GOTTA LEARN BIG WORDS"...

:boobies:

thanks man for the feed

and yea man welcome bruh this guy i recruited into RB he got some nice rhymes so check his shit out. woot man.

bump.

Definitely a very poetic piece. I thought your strength here was word chioce since it was on point throughout. I wouldn't say it was flawless as far as wording goes, but still pretty easy to follow. it progressed well and came together nicely toward the end. Flow was decent most of the time. Felt the emotion on this one, props on that. Peace.

Poet-ic-al lol

Nicely done. I found that thouhg the actual concept wasn't brilliant the way you put it out was good...looks like you put in quite a bit of effort to create a good atmosphere. In my personal opinion, i found that there were literary and grammar flaws at times but i also found that disregarding them allowed the piece to be that much better. The main advise i an give is too be less harsh on yourself and write more naturally instead of trying to make sure you piece is above a certain level try writing it with more self enjoyment...usually it'll end up better. In totality, this was a good piece with it's flaws, so your doing good just follow whats been advised and you should hopefully iron out some rough edges na mean, Stay up^.